I’m feeling a bit janky, so alls you’re getting this week is my weird, long and rambling notes on this episode.
Rumpelstiltskin removes his Shadow and gives it the Dark One’s dagger for safekeeping. The Shadows are separate, autonomous beings from their casters (people that cast shadows?) I wonder if a shadow could betray it’s caster? Greg’s shadow better not jump back inside of him and bring him back to life. Weird, up until this point, Shadows were removed from inside people, but Rumpelstiltskin casts his Shadow onto a wall and cuts it off from his feet. (Don’t tell the writers that more that one light source can cause a person to cast multiple shadows.)
Hook and Charming are having a pissing match. This is a productive use of their energy.
Neverland is evil. EVIL! Everything is cursed, poisonous or annoying. EVIL!
The magic mirror/genie is back.
A rehash, yet again, in a flashback, of the old feud between Regina and the Charmings. She gives them an ultimatum, yet again, and, yet again, they find a way to weasel out of it. This show has to remind us every few episodes that the EVIL QUEEN is evil, or else we might forget.
Peter Pan totally pulls a “I like a girl with spirit!” with Emma and it is really, really gross.
Emma needs to admit to herself that she’s fairy tale Jesus. Why has fairy tale God forsaken her?
Ugh. They’re bickering again. Didn’t that thing with the mermaids teach them about teamwork? Why have they forgotten already?
What’s up with that deer in the background? I bet that deer is an evil spy. I saw an evil look in that devilish deer’s eye. Or, it’s Bambi.
Don’t spinning wheels usually have a pedal? Why is Rumpelstiltskin always turning it with his hands? When are we going to get the flashback where Aurora pricks her finger on Rumpelstiltskin’s spindle? Rumpelstiltskin must be involved in everybody’s backstory.
Belle can astral project or something. Or, she’s an illusion. Rumpelstiltskin needs to see a therapist. Rumpelstiltskin has daddy issues. Quickly, everyone start pitching your wild theories as to who Rumpelstiltskin’s father could be! My bet is that Rumpelstiltskin’s father is Merlin, who had to leave because he was aging backwards. Eventually, when Merlin became boy-aged, he realized that only had a few more years left before he would die, so he travelled to Neverland, where he would stop aging (or youngening), and became PETER PAN!
Snow White’s wig looks like it’s been farted upon by hobos.
The Enchanted Forest is really small. You can get anywhere in less than a half day’s ride.
Captain Hook and Prince Charming are in love with each other now.
How did Felix get Rumpelstiltskin’s old doll anyhow?
Excalibur? REALLY? Heh. Remember that time that Lancelot died offscreen? Um. Snow White can wield Excalibur? She’s “The Once and Future King”? Her name isn’t Arthur! HARUMPH.
Peter Pan is wearing Henry’s clothing. Henry is naked somewhere.
There’s a fight, but none of the stupid kids die. HARUMPH.
Captain Hook alludes to having done something horrible to Rufio in the past. I’m going to bet that they deviate from the storyline of the movie Hook and actually have the bad thing be something other that killing Rufio. Rufio will probably return as yet another character looking for revenge.
Adoption is evil. EVIL!
Oh, good, it’s a fake Excalibur. She just needed to think it was Excalibur, so that she would believe in herself. Incidentally, “Mudd’s Women” is a cruddy episode of Star Trek.
Rumpelstiltskin takes Snow White’s Mother’s necklace. This will probably be an important plot point later.
It’s implied that a fairy, possibly Tinker Bell, is messing with Rumpelstiltskin. YAY! More characters!
Prince Charming is poisoned!
That deer is my new favourite character. (I hope it’s Bambi!)
SPOILER ALERT! AREN’T THESE SPOILERS ALERTS GETTING ANNOYING!? SPOILER ALERT!
Well, kiddies, here we go again for a third season…
I’d say this episode was mostly exposition, if the word “exposition” meant explaining things in the vaguest way possible, presumably, so that they can stretch out the revelation of important plot points over as many episodes as possible. The ole soap opera style long con, is what we’ve got on our hands here.
A the beginning of the show, we get a flashback to Emma giving birth to Henry and then giving him up. During the birth, her magic cause an electrical disturbance and makes the lights flash, and nobody notices or cares. Don’t ever send me to that hospital. They don’t care if a power surge knock the life-sustaining equipment out.
Emma finally calls attention to the fact that her mother, Mary Margaret, is the same age as her and doesn’t really have that much wisdom to impart. Also, that her whole “Happily Ever After” shtick is useless and annoying.
Rumpelstiltskin changes into his old Enchanted Forest clothes. Where did Rumpelstiltskin get his old clothes from? Were they on the boat? Why did Captain Hook have Rumpelstiltskin’s clothing on his boat? I bet Captain Hook kept the Rumpelstiltskin’s clothes in his bunk and sniffed them during his alone time. Or… Rumpelstiltskin just magiced the clothing to the boat… Whatever.
Anyway, everybody on the boat is bickering and not working well together already and it’s a bit annoying how quickly the alliance of good and evil has started breaking down.
Soooo… Captain Hook was Baelfire surrogate father for awhile and now he’s crushing on Emma, Baelfire’s girlfriend. This is going to get awkward fast.
Greg and Tamara take Henry on a sweet camping trip, the kind his mom and dad never had the time for.
It turns out that Greg and Tamara don’t know who they’re working for and they don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing what they’re doing. They just know that they needed to kidnap Henry and bring him to Neverland and then, like, magic, which they HATE, will… er… stop or something. They know this because of FAITH. WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY ELSE HAVE FAITH LIKE THEY DO?
Greg and Tamara are big fat dummies.
Hey, it’s Felix and the Lost Boys, here to ruin everybody’s good time. They want Henry.
Felix calls the scary Neverland shadow creature to pull Greg’s soul out of his body. Greg looks like he’s dead. I hope he is. He was annoying.
I’m not sure anymore whether or not the scary flying shadow is Peter Pan. It may be a completely separate character. Remember, in the original Peter Pan, Peter’s shadow kept running off, until Wendy sewed the shadow to Peter Pan. I think something like that may be happening here. Peter not being in control of his malevolent, soul-stealing shadow is a little scary.
And, Tamara get’s shot in the back with and arrow and there is much rejoicing. She doesn’t die though. Rumpelstiltskin comes by later and crushes her heart into dust, so that was good.
Free of Greg and Tamara, Henry runs into the woods to escape The Lost Boys.
So, Jojen Reed finally meets Bran Stark in the forest and explains how their fathers were great allies during Robert’s Rebellion. Er… I mean… Some blond kid saves Henry from the mean upperclassmen that were chasing him.
Mulan, Aura and Prince Philip treat Neal’s wounds and, for some strange reason, put him on Aurora’s sleeping curse bed. Why would they do that? It’s just weird. Put the poor guy on a proper bed, jeez.
Hey, Prince Philip’s soul is back in his body! They never showed us how Prince Philip’s soul was returned to his body. I SMELL A FLASHBACK EPISODE COMING UP!
They keep asking Neal about Earth and technology and stuff, and being all like “Your world frightens and confuses me”. Weird that they didn’t really do that when they were hanging out with Emma.
Anyhoo, I predict many, many episodes of wandering around the forest and not really doing much for these brave adventurers.
So, back to the boat, which is taking forever to reach the shores of Neverland, and evil mermaids start hitting the boat with their tails. Apparently, they’re really strong, because they actually start causing damage.
David straight-up starts firing a canon at the mermaids and it is ridiculous. He’s trying to murder sentient creatures without talking to them first. Maybe attacking the boat was all a big misunderstanding! We’ll never know, because attempting to explode them was his first choice of action.
They capture one of the mermaids for some reason and she is pissed. She uses a magic conch shell to conjure a typhoon. I think Link from The Legend of Zelda had one of those.
Regina tells David to “Flay the bitch!”
FLAY THE BITCH? Holy Hell! I thought this was a family program!
Anyway, it turns out that the typhoon is fuelled by interpersonal discord and it just gets worse and worse as the people on the boat keep bickering and punching eachother in the face. Emma figures out that they need to start working together to stop the typhoon. She trows herself of the boat, so that they have to work together to save her. Emma is an idiot.
I think that the mermaid was really a magical angel, sent to our heroes to teach them the value of friendship and teamwork.
*SPOILERS* I already know from previews that Ariel is going to show up this season and this isn’t here. I wonder if this is actually Ursula? She can use a bit of magic like Ursula at least.
Back to the Enchanted Forest. Remember all the junk last season about nothing being left of the Enchanted Forest after the curse but a void? Complete bunk! Even Rumpelstiltskin’s castle is still there! So, Neal goes to his father’s castle to try and find a magic trinket or dealy that would open up a portal to return to Emma.
Robin Hood, played by a new actor, is there, because he likes touching other people’s stuff. Maid Marion is nowhere to be found.
I hope we have a situation where it’s The Merry Men VS The Lost Boys. I hope there isn’t anything, like, through weird time travel shenanigans, that The Lost Boys become The Merry Men. That would be silly.
So, blondy has some magic fairy dust, but it only works if you truly believe it will work. Henry will believe anything that you tell hi, so of course Henry can use the dust to fly.
It turns out that the blond kid is Peter Pan and he was being all tricksy and stuff with Henry to test his belief. It turn out that Henry has “The Heart of the Truest Believer”. What does The Heart of the Truest Believer do? I bet that we’ll have to wait many, many episodes to find out. Also, how did Peter Pan find out about Henry and the he may have The Heart of the Truest Believer? There better not be a prophecy involved here. (There probably is.)
Also, it turns out that Peter Pan was the one giving Greg and Tamara their orders this whole time, in order to trick them into bringing Henry to him. But how? Neither he or his lost boys could contact them directly because they hate magic. Also, Peter Pan would have had to have a way to contact people on other worlds. If he could do that, why didn’t he just contact Henry directly, trick him into coming to Neverland and cut out the middleman? Greg and Tamara are so fanatical about their hate for magic, what if they just decided to deviate from Pan’s plan and kill all the magical creatures, Henry included? How did Peter Pan know that the citizen of Storybrooke were growing magic beans and that Greg and Tamara would be able to obtain one of the beans to get to Neverland? We see that he can send his shadow to Earth to steal child. Why didn’t he just have the shadow steal Henry? None of it makes any sense.
SPOILER ALERT! Well, you really should know all of this by now, but I’m warning you anyway.
Well, it’s almost time for season 3 of Once Upon a Time. Now would be a really good time for you to catch up on any episodes you missed from season 2. Luckily I have made you with handy list with be plot points!
All episode titles link to posts that I wrote about that episode and character names link to the tag archive for that character.
In the past Enchanted Forest, Rumpelstiltskin stages an elaborate ruse wherein Regina is made to think that Dr. Frankenstein could possibly bring Daniel back to life with one of Regina’s stolen hearts, but Frankenstein secretly doesn’t even try and keeps the magical heart for his own purposes. Regina, her heart broken and darkened, is then open to learning dark magic from Rumpelstiltskin.
In Storybrooke, Dr. Frankenstein steals one of the hearts from Regina’s vault and uses to resurrect Daniel for real this time, but Daniel comes back as a monster.
In the past, Emma is a thief and she falls in love with a fellow thief named “Neal Cassidy“.
August Booth meets alone with Neal and convinces him that Emma, in order to fulfill her special destiny, must be rehabilitated from her life of crime and he convinces Neal to rat Emma out for a crime that she didn’t commit so that she will be thrown in jail, because jail will straighten her out or something.
In the past Enchanted Forest, Regina disguises herself as a peasant so that she can find out what people really think about her.
In the present Storybrooke, Regina ventures into the catacombs with Hook to retrieve a trigger that will annihilate Storybrooke. Regina plans to escape the annihilation with Henry by using a magic bean she stole.
BAELFIRE HAS THREE DADS NOW! RUMPELSTILTSKIN, MR. DARLING AND CAPTAIN HOOK! WHAT A LUCKY BOY!
HOW IS CAPTAIN HOOK EVEN A PIRATE? WE NEVER SEE HIM PILLAGING EVER. DOES THE EYELINER MAKE HIM A PIRATE?
THEY MENTION CURSED MERMAIDS A WHOLE BUNCH AND WE NEVER SEE THEM. I FEEL CHEATED.
THE SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON FOR STORYBROOKE IS UNSTOPPABLE… NOT! IT ONLY NEEDS TWO MAGIC USERS TO STOP IT. EMMA HAS BARELY HAD ANY PRACTICE AT USING MAGIC AND THEY STILL STOPPED IT. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE DIED AND THE DESTRUCTION WAS MINIMAL. WEREN’T THEY ADVERTISING THAT THE SEASON FINALE WAS GOING TO BE DEVASTATING?
SOMEHOW GREG AND TAMARA MANAGE TO BE COMPLETELY SILENT AND INVISIBLE TO KIDNAP HENRY WHEN HE WAS RIGHT BESIDE HIS MOMS AND HIS GRANDPARENTS. THEY ALSO GAIN A LARGE LEAD ON THEM DESPITE ONLY JOG-WALKING AWAY.
GREG AND TAMARA ARE, YET AGAIN, EXTREMELY VAGUE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE WORKING FOR AND WHAT EXACTLY THEIR CAUSE IS. I SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT THE WRITERS THEMSELVES DON’T KNOW AND THEY’RE USING VAGUENESS TO BUY THEMSELVES SOME TIME. THEY KEEP USING WORDS LIKE “HOLY” AND “SACRED”, SO I’M JUST GOING TO PRETEND THAT THEY’RE WORKING FOR THE POPE, UNTIL I’M TOLD OTHERWISE.
EVERYBODY IS FRIENDS NOW! EMMA, REGINA, CAPTAIN HOOK, MARY MARGARET AND DAVID PUT ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES IN ORDER TO FORM AN ELITE TEAM AND GET HENRY BACK. THEY HATED EACHOTHER JUST FIVE MINUTES AGO, BUT WHO CARES? SHUT YOUR BUTT!
AAAAAANNNNDDDDDDD…IT LOOKS LIKE THE BIG BAD FOR NEXT SEASON IS GOING TO BE PETER PAN. THEY BETTER GET A MICHAEL JACKSON LOOKALIKE TO PLAY PETER PAN.
I am angry at this show. This show makes me angry.
Young Baelfire emerges from the portal created by the magic bean a half-foot taller and with a deeper voice. He is in 19th century London, England. He promptly decides to become a moppet, or a ragamuffin, or a 19th century cockney bootblack… or something. Anyway, it’s a job that doesn’t pay the bills. He takes to breaking into people’s houses and stealing food to survive.
Anyhoo… One of the houses he decides to rob happens to be the home of Wendy Moira Angela Darling (of Peter Pan fame) and she decides to take pity on Baelfire, the poor street urchin, and keep him in her crawlspace and feed him table scraps. This is the first instance of a person being kept in a crawlspace while not also being tortured and/or murdered that I have ever seen. Wendy’s parents discover this strange arrangement and, instead of being angry, decide that the best course of action is for this peripubescent boy to move out of the crawlspace and stay in their peripubescent daughter’s bedroom instead. Incidentally, in the olden days, when you found a parentless child, instead of having to report them to the authorities, you could just decide to keep them.
It turns out that Bae’s would-be girlfriend, Wendy, has been being visited in the middle of the night by a magic shadow. The shadow looks evil and acts ominous but Wendy thinks it’s wonderful. That is, until the shadow takes her to Neverland, which turns out to be a horrible place where children miss their parents for eternity and the shadow wants to take one of her brothers there. Bae ends up sacrificing himself and going to Neverland instead and that’s the reason why Baelfire isn’t 130 years old in present day on the show.
One thing I noticed is that although they say “Neverland” a lot in this episode, they never actually mention Peter Pan. I wonder if they are trying to weasel their way out of having to pay royalties to the Great Ormand Street Hospital who own the rights to Peter Pan?
Some other stuff that happened:
Lacey and Mr. Gold beat up Dr. Whale, because it is fun and also to remind the audience that Dr. Whale exists. I assume Dr. Whale will play some sort of important part in this season’s finale because of this.
Lacey is still an alcoholic.
Greg and Tamara are trying to murder magic because it’s unholy or something.
Greg and Tamara keep alluding to some worldwide anti-magic organization that they belong to without ever naming it. I bet the writers haven’t actually come up with what the organization is yet.
David gives his gun to Emma, but then in the next scene he points his gun at Greg. CONTINUITY ERROR!
Tamara shoots Neal and throws a magic bean at him. He falls through a portal AGAIN.
Things that I think aren’t going to happen in the finale:
Sneezy getting his memory back
The big reveal of the secret organization that Tamara and Greg belong to
Dr. Frankentstein finding his brother
Finding out where Neal went when he fell through the portal this time around
This episode is about -THERE’S GOOD INSIDE OF YOU, I CAN FEEL IT! THERE’S GOOD INSIDE OF EVERYONE! YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE GOOD INSIDE OF EVERYONE!
Remember how in the last episode how Mother Superior had her wand back mysteriously? Well, obviously, she took it back from Mr. Gold’s store when he wasn’t looking, so shut up.
Didn’t he have a magical force field that would’ve prevented that kind of thing? No. Shut up.
Seriously, though, why are they letting Mr. Gold sit on this giant arsenal of dangerous, magical trinkets? If I were Emma, I would have confiscated it all by now. Isn’t she still the sheriff? Or, like, David was the sheriff now, or something? I don’t know…
They show us a wonderful sequence where Mr. Gold turns Henry into a porcelain figurine and smashes him into powder, but it turns out that it was just a wonderful, wonderful dream. Dang it! Why won’t the annoying kid die for real?
I also noticed that there is a canoe hanging in Mr. Gold’s shop. Mr. Gold killed Pocahontas and stole her canoe because it is made out of magical wood. This is my theory.
This episode introduces Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham. The show needed more characters, so they added more characters. There was no way around it.
Anyhoo, in the past Enchanted Forest, Robin Hood steals a wand from Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin needs to kill Robin Hood now, because he has to maintain his evil persona or else people won’t be scared of him anymore. Belle doesn’t think that Rumpelstiltskin will kill Robin Hood, because Rumpelstiltskin still has some goods inside. Rumpelstiltskin doesn’t kill Robin Hood. The End.
Also, Rumpelstiltskin gives Belle a library, you know, just cause.
This episode is supposed to expand on why Belle fell in love with Rumpelstiltskin, but it ends up just making the audience hating them both a little bit, because they are both just so annoying.
Belle: “THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! GRAAAAAAHHHH!”
Rumpelstiltskin: “LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! GRAAAAAAHHHH!”
How does Robin Hood even fit in on this show? I mean, Robin Hood may be a fictional person, but other characters from his story, like Richard the Lionheart or the Sheriff of Nottingham, are real-life historical figures. Also, The Crusades, which are an important part of the Robin Hood story, are not very child-friendly or fairytale-like at all.
Mary Margaret and David take Emma to see the bean patch. The beans might be mature enough to make a portal to the Enchanted Forest soon. Emma has to choose if she wants to go with them. Choices are hard.
Why did they plant an entire field of beans? You only need one bean to make a portal! There must be thousands of beans in that field. That’s thousands of beans that could fall into the wrong hands.
Aaannnnddd, Regina ends up finding the bean patch and stealing some beans. Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
Mr. Gold goes looking for Belle, and he finds her in The Rabbit Hole, the world’s tamest sleazy bar.
Seriously, The Rabbit Hole is well-lit and clean. The patrons are well-dressed and nice. There’s even a nice, homey fireplace. There’s nothing about the place that is actually sleazy, but the audience is supposed to believe that it’s a “vile place” anyway.
But, wait, oh no! Belle isn’t Belle anymore! She’s playing pool, the most evil sport there is, and you can see her bra, the most evil article of clothing there is. She’s evil. EVIL!
Belle is Lacey now and Lacey like two things: getting frisky and getting drunk.
Seriously, Lacey is an alcoholic. Every time we see her, she is drinking. It’s to the audience that she is a bit of a bad person.
Hey, shouldn’t Lacey be traumatized from 28 years in the hospital’s basement? No. Shut up. She doesn’t even remember any of that.
Anyhoo, Mr. Gold needs to get Lacey to fall in love with him, so he can give her True Love’s Kiss™ and have Belle’s memories to her. The only problem is that Mr. Gold is reformed now, so that his son will like him again and Lacey doesn’t like Nice Guys™.
Hey, everyone, chill out! The writers totally remember that Sneezy lost his memory too and they included a shot of Mr. Clark to prove it. I think he’s better and more hygienic as Mr. Clark though. Maybe they shouldn’t give him his memories back.
Well, I hope that none of you became too attached to the Sheriff of Nottingham. It looks like he’s among the many characters that are introduced and then killed-off in the same episode.
Mr. Gold goes on a date with Lacey, but he acts too sweet and kind and lame, so she ditches him and goes to the alleyway to make-out with the Sheriff of Nottingham’s Storybrooke alterego, Keith. Mr. Gold catches them and it causes him to have a sadness. Lacey is just too different from Belle.
Later, Keith meets up with Mr. Gold to apologize. Mr. Gold is in a really foul mood though, so he starts to beat the crud out of Keith with his cane. Lacey catches him and tells him not to stop because she like it. Lacey is turned-on by violence. Lacey likes Bad Boys ™.
Keith is probably dead now.
If the fandom doesn’t start calling the Rumpelstiltskin/Lacey pairing “Racey”, I’m going to be very upset.
In this episode, Tamara and Greg refer mysteriously to “the package” without revealing what “the package” is. You know, because when people are all alone and they aren’t worried that someone is listening in, they’ll still speak in code because it is fun. Jeeze, can’t people just have some fun once in a while. Gah.
Well, at the end of the episode it’s revealed that “the package” is actually Captain Hook, because the writers needed to find a way to get him from New York to Maine and the answer was inside Greg Mendell’s trailer.
Captain Hook’s new nickname is now “The Package”. (Because “package” is a euphemism for penis and Captain Hook has a penis.)