My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E09 “Save Henry”

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

I really liked this episode, but, at the same time, I thought that it added a bunch of confusing elements.

a screencap of emma (played by jennifer morrison) and regina (played by lana parrilla) over an unconscious henry (played by jared s. gilmore)
Henry, always being so dramatic.

Hey, Henry isn’t dead (Boo.), but he will be soon, if they don’t retrieve his heart from Pan.

And the lesson here is never to give your heart to anyone, especially if it’s literally.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) imprisoned
There’s no toilet in there…

Back in the past Enchanted Forest, after Regina had cast the Dark Curse, she goes to Rumpelstiltskin to gloat. I’m not sure how this scene actually had time to happen, because, if I recall correctly, the curse cloud spread very quickly throughout the land and this scene is a couple of minutes long. Whatever. Regina and Rumpelstiltskin are always fun together, so let’s roll with it.

Rumpelstiltskin tells Regina that she shouldn’t be gloating, because, since she killed her own father, there is now a hole in her heart, and, one day, she’ll need to seek out his help to fill it. Regina is all like, “Nuh-uh! My revenge is absolute! I’ve got everything I could ever want!”

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) fawning over a baby henry (playe by some baby-guy)
He was cute, before he could talk.

Well, lo and behold, it turns out that being the mayor of a cruddy podunk town isn’t enough to make Regina happy. In fact, the last time she could remember being really happy, was when she was hanging out with the young Owen Flynn (too bad he grew up to be such a butt). Regina decides she wants to adopt a baby. Personally, I think that she should have just made a baby with sexy, sexy Sheriff Graham, but I guess a literally heartless man might not make a good father.

But it will take a minimum of two years to adopt a baby and Regina wants one NOW. Indeed, she does end up seeking out Rumpelstiltskin’s help, only he’s just Mr. Gold here, because the curse altered his memory. Regina plays right into his hands.

Mr. Gold finds Regina a baby, which she names “Henry” after her father. Baby Henry is defective, though. He won’t stop crying. Regina gets paranoid about the actual origin’s of the baby, so she calls up Sidney Glass (I think Giancarlo Esposito actually phoned-in his performance of being on a phone hehe) and asks him to look up Henry’s birth parents and just when Regina finally gets Henry to stop crying, Sidney sends her information that points to the Saviour being Henry’s birth mother. Regina must return Henry to the adoption agency, or risk the Saviour coming to Storybrooke to retrieve the child.

And I’ve gotten confused about the rules of Storybrooke again. No one can enter or leave, but they can telephone people outside of the town and use the internet, apparently. There’s also the whole bit about time being stopped, although the residents of Storybrooke don’t notice because their memories are all wonky, wouldn’t the people they know in the outside world get confused because of it?

a screencap of john (played by matt kane) and michael (played by james immekus)
Hipsters can’t adopt.

Regina is unable to give up Henry. She loves him too much. This is bad news for the other family that the agency had lined-up, who just so happen to be John and Michael Darling, which doesn’t make any sort of sense. Apart from them probably not being adequate adoption candidates, the picture that Peter Pan had of Henry is him as an 11-year-old, not a baby. But, really, why didn’t they try to steal the baby from Regina? They would just open a portal to Neverland right after. It’s not like they’d get caught.

Come to Boston, where they’ll give a baby to anyone, even two brothers in their twenties.

Unable to cope with her fear of the Saviour coming and being a mother at the same time, Regina drinks a potion to wipe her memories.

So, bother Regina and Rumpelstiltskin had no memories of their past lives? Doesn’t that contradict a lot of the events of season 1? I had this theory back then that neither Regina or Rumpelstiltskin actually had their old memories, but they had read Henry’s book and guessed who they were in their past lives. It couldn’t have been that, could it?

a screencap of felix (played by parker croft)
…UGH

In the present, Regina and Emma interrogate the Lost Boys about Pan’s location and Felix is being a butt, as usual. Emma decides to offer to be a mother to all 40 of the Lost Boy, you know, because she’s uber good at being a mother and stuff, but, hey, the Lost Boys take the bait and tell her that Peter Pan is hanging out at his Thinking Tree.

Felix alon remains resolute in his loyalty to Pan, though. He doesn’t need a mother, anyhow. He’s about like, what, 30?

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla), emma (played by jennifer morrison) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) trapped by vines
Their favourite superheroine is Wonder Woman.

Oh no! Think Thinking Tree was a trap! It has vines that get tighter the more regrets you have.

Neverland, the place where the malevolent fauna will force you into expository dialogue.

Snow White regrets abandoning Emma and Emma regrets continually letting Henry down, but what does Regina regret?

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) retrieving henry's heart from pan while emma (played by jennifer morrison) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) look on shocked
Regina doing what she does best.

REGINA REGRETS NOTHING! All of her horrible actions just led her to her greatest happiness: her son. She’s a better mother than both those whiners. WHAM! She rips her son’s her out of Pan’s chest.

Everyone returns to the ship, Regina returns Henry’s heart to his chest and casts a spell on him to prevent his heart from being taken ever again, which, really, she should have done years ago, what with heart removal being everyone’s favourite pastime in this universe.

And then something happens that made no sense to me. Peter Pan switches his Shadow with Henry’s right he gets sucked into Pandora’s box. Apparently, this was like switching souls, because Pan is in control of Henry’s body now, but, up until this point, we’ve seen Shadows act like autonomous entities and we’ve seen people talk to them like they were actual people themselves. We still don’t even know where Rumpelstiltskin’s Shadow went and he doesn’t seem like an empty shell without it.

I hope this doesn’t mean that Pan, as Henry, is going to convince them to turn around and go back to Neverland. We really need to get out of there.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E08 “Think Lovely Thoughts”

SPOILER ALERT! I’M REALLY BAD AT SELF-EDITING!

This episode is a lot more fun, if you keep in mind that “box” is a slang term for “vagina”.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) and a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff)
Meet Rumpelstiltskin’s Deadbeat Dad

So, we finally meet Rumpelstiltskin’s dad, who is a grifter by trade.

All this time, we’ve been told by this show that Rumpelstiltskin’s father’s main trait was that he was a coward, but we don’t really see that demonstrated in this episode. All we are shown is that Rumpelstiltskin’s father is dishonest and extremely self-serving. He seems to be a great deal braver than Rumpelstiltskin, in fact.

a screencap of some spinsters (played by lindsay collins and glynis davies)
Same-Sex Middle-Aged Co-Habitation

So, to continue to engage in a life of crime and drunkenness, Rumpelstiltskin foists his whiny son on a couple of weird spinster ladies who dress the same.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) giving a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff) a creepy doll
Here, have a creepy doll, son-guy.

He gives Rumpelstiltskin a creep doll to keep the poor kid company. There ya go. That’s the origin story for the creepy doll that Rumpelstiltskin has been carrying around while going nuts in the jungle, this season. There really isn’t anything special about it, other than it coming from his father.

a screencap of the spinsters (played by lindsay collins and glynis davies) teaching a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff) to use a spinning wheel
One of us! One of us!

The weird sisters, or lesbian life partners, or whatever they are, teach Rumpelstiltskin how to spin wool. So, that’s the origin of that thing too. Wait, Rumpelstiltskin told his wife, Milah, that his mom taught him to spin, not his moms. They’re not even his moms, though, they’re just some ladies his dad knew.

Who are these spinster ladies, really? I’d say that they’re secretly the Spinners of Fate from Greek myth, but there are only two of them. If I recall correctly, there should be the spinner, the measurer and the cutter, if they really are the Greek Fates. Maybe, they need Rumpelstiltskin to fill-in as the third role? They really seem to want to keep Rumpelstiltskin.

Another possible reference to Greek mythology? Seriously, when is Hercules going to show up and kick everyone’s ass?

a screencap of the spinsters (played by lindsay collins and glynis davies) offering a magic bean
Always take magic beans from strangers!

Anyway, there’s definitely something off about these spinsters. They give Rumpelstiltskin a magic bean, so that he and his father can escape to a land where no one knows that Rumpelstiltskin’s father is a grifter.

Why haven’t they used the bean themselves? They live in a dirty hovel and their lives don’t really seem that great.

Where did they get the bean in the first place? The giants would still be alive at this point and it would be hard to steal one.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) and a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff) jumping into a portal
Weeeeeee!

And here is an example of how Rumpelstiltskin’s father is braver than Rumpelstiltskin. They decide to use the magic bean to go to Neverland and Rumpelstiltskin dives right into the portal, quite unlike how Rumpelstiltskin was unwilling to go through the portal years later with Baelfire.

a screencap of everyone pointing their weapons at rumpelstiltskin
Brandishing weapons is fun!

The villains and heroes are reunited, and everyone turns on Rumpelstiltskin, because Neal tells them all about the prophecy and how Rumpelstiltskin would have to kill Henry to prevent his own death.

This doesn’t last long. They need Rumpelstiltskin, because he is the most powerful magic-user.

The plan is to sneak-up on Peter Pan and trap him forever inside Pandora’s Box.

a screencap of neal (played by michael raymond-james) and rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) facing-off as emma (played by jennifer morrison) looks on
Hey, dad-guy. Sup, son-guy?

Neal doesn’t like the idea of Rumpelstiltskin having his hands on Pandora’s Box, though. Neal takes Pandora’s Box, so that if Rumpelstiltskin turns on them, Neal can trap him inside the box to stop him.

a screencap of wendy (played by freya tingley) reunited with an adult baelfire (played by michael raymond-james)
This is a bit awkward…

They invade Pan’s camp, but Henry and Pan aren’t there anymore. Wendy is there, though, and she and Baelfire are finally reunited after many years.

I still confused about the timeline here. How did Baelfire not meet-up with Wendy during his first stay in Neverland? When he did get back to Earth, why didn’t he look up Wendy to see what happened to her? They were like family, after all.

Anyway, Wendy tells the group that Pan has taken Henry to Skull Rock and they have to hurry because Pan is going to remove Henry’s heart so that he can gain all its power.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) and emma (played by jennifer morrison) doing magic together
JAZZ HANDS!

When they get to Skull Rock, they’re blocked by a magic barrier that only lets people without shadows through. Rumpelstiltskin can get past, because he cut of his shadow ages ago and now Neal finally believes him about it.

Wouldn’t it be really easy for Neal to check if his father had a shadow, though? He could have just had Rumpelstiltskin stand by the fire and looked. Whatever.

How does everyone else cross the barrier? The light from the moon is causing them all to have shadows! Regina decides to join with Emma, so that their combined magics will cause an eclipse.

a screencap of a lunar eclipse
Impressive Special Effects

Yes, moving an entire planet so that it blocks the path of the light from the sun from reaching the moon is much easier than conjuring up an opaque blanket or something to block the light.

a screencap of peter pan (played by robbie kay) and henry (played by jared s. gilmore) in front of a giant hourglass
Peter Pan’s Den

Whuh-Oh! Our heroes are running out of time! We can tell this, because there is a giant hourglass covered in skulls to show us.

Yo, Henry, when there are a bunch of skulls all over the place, it’s usually a huge red flag that something bad is about to go down.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) meeting the shadow
So, whose shadow is it?

Back in the past Neverland, Rumpelstiltskin’s father wants to fly, but can’t. A shadow shows up to tell him it’s because he’s an adult.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) giving a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff) to the shadow
Take my son, please!

There’s an easy fix though! On Neverland, your beliefs become real! All he has to do is believe really, really hard that he is a child and he will become one. The only problem is that Rumpelstiltskin is a constant reminder that he is, in fact, an adult.

Easy peasy! Just give your son to the creepy evil shadow!

And then, Rumpelstiltskin’s father starts turning into a child, even before Rumpelstiltskin is out of eyesight. Wouldn’t the kid have to away for a while before he could believe he was a kid himself?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father changing into peter pan (played by robbie kay)
Always pixie dust, but never any pixies?

IT TURN’S OUT THAT PETER PAN WAS RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S FATHER THIS WHOLE TIME! Why did his accent change as well? At least we now know why Peter Pan says creepy sex stuff once in a while.

So, Peter Pan is Rumpelstiltskin’s father? In a weird way, I already sort of guessed this by the second episode this season, only I thought the reason that he was younger than Rumpelstiltskin was because he was Merlin and was aging backwards.

And now I’m confused again as to the exact nature of the Shadows. Who does the first Shadow belong to? It’s not Peter Pan’s. It predates him.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) holding his doll and pandora's box
You can only take one toy with you.

Rumpelstiltskin holding his doll and Pandora’s box is to illustrate to the viewer the difficult choice that Rumpelstiltskin has to make. Does he reconcile with his father, or destroy him?

a screencap of peter pan (played by robbie kay) trapping rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) in pandora's box
It’s the fog that turns people inside-out!

But, really, it’s Peter Pan that has Pandora’s Box, because Pan believes that he has the box. Doesn’t Rumpelstiltskin believe that he has the box, too? It’s confusing this belief magic stuff.

Whatever. Peter Pan traps Rumpelstiltskin in Pandora’s Box.

a screencap of henry (played  by jared s. gilmore) taking his heart out while peter pan (played by robbie kay) looks on
Kali ma! Kali ma!

Without Rumpelstiltskin to stop Peter Pan, he convinces stupid Henry to tear out his own heart.

What was the stupid lie that Pan told Henry to get him to do this? Something stupid about “saving magic”? Bleh. Henry is dumb.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) shoving his heart in the chest of peter pan (plyaed by robbie kay)
UNF!

Henry puts his heart into Pan’s chest. Peter Pan has two hearts now and has become an all-powerful time lord or something.

I bet this was really all about the Shadow becoming all-powerful. After all, it’s been the Shadow telling Peter Pan what to do this whole time.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) being dead
YAY!

And Henry is dead. AGAIN. He won’t stay dead for long. For one thing, Rumpelstiltskin’s Shadow is still flying free and stupid Peter Pan didn’t put Pandora’s Box in his pocket. Pan just left the box lying on a ledge, where anyone can get at it.

Also, I bet it wasn’t even Henry’s real heart. He could have conjured up a decoy heart with the power of his belief.

Recap: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland S01E04 “The Serpent”

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

In his episode, we learn about Jafar and how his daddy issues turned him evil.

a screencap of a young jafar (played by anthony keyvan)
Don’t worry, he’ll be evil soon.

You see, Jafar is the bastard child of the Sultan of Agrabah, who rejects him and forces him to live like and orphan on the streets of Agrabah. He should feel lucky that the Sultan merely cast him out, instead of having him killed. Royal types tend not to like leaving loose heirs lying around.

a screencap of amara (played by zuliekha robinson)
She’s pretty, but she’s evil.

One day, Jafar sees a chance to get revenge against the Sultan. He’ll get an evil sorceress, Amara, to teach him magic that he will use against the Sultan.

Too bad there’s no fairy tale land version of Maury to sort out this whole paternity mess.

a screencap of jafar (played by naveen andrews) kissing amara (played by zuliekha robinson)
Icky.

Amara’s training of Jafar goes a bit like Rumpelstiltskin’s training of Regina. Eventually Jafar must commit and evil deed, not giving an antidote to a poisoned man, to prove he’s willing to go all the way in this evil magic business. It’s pretty much exactly like how Regina had to tear out and crush a heart to prove herself to Rumpelstiltskin.

Once he’s proven himself, Amara reveals her final magical secret to Jafar: if they obtain the world’s three genies, then they can change the very laws of magic.

Capturing three genies, killing countless people and changing the laws of magic seems like overkill just to show your father how angry you are at him., but, whatever, Jafar is really, really angry at the guy. Just zapping the Sultan in the ace with a lightning bolt of something apparently wouldn’t be enough to get the point across.

Ooooor… Does Jafar really want to change the laws of magic, so that he can change the past and have a good childhood with a loving father?

I found the romantic relationship between Amara and Jafar to be a bit icky, because she had trained him since he was a kid. I bet that’s exactly how the writers wanted the audience to feel about it though.

a screencap of some genie containment units
Poor Sidney

So, who’s the third genie? We’ve already met Cyrus the genie and Sidney Glass the genie from Once Upon a Time. Will the third genie be a new character or someone we’ve met before?

This also messes up the timelines in Once Upon a Time and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. It shows that Jafar was in possession of Sidney’s lamp before Sidney met Regina, but we first meet the Knave of Hearts in present-day Storybrooke where Sidney is now a magic mirror and not a genie. TIME PRETZEL.

a screencap of jafar's old prisoner (played by brian george)
Is this the Sultan of Agrabah?

I’m going to bet right now that the mystery prisoner in the dungeon with Cyrus is really the Sultan of Agrabah, but why is Jafar just keeping him prisoner, instead of killing him and getting his revenge?

a screencap of a tweedle in ziggy stardust makeup and the red queen (played by emma rigby)
Throwing shade like professionals!

Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. The Red Queen captures the Knave of Hearts and they have a bunch of angry feelings together over their shared past and betrayal, after which the Red Queen decides she’ll have the Knave beheaded.

One of the Ziggy Stardust Tweedles is really a double agent and sharing the Red Queen’s secrets with Jafar, but I’m not sure whether it’s Dee or Dum. I wonder if this will drive a wedge between the twin brothers?

a screencap of elizabeth the lizard (played by lauren mcknight)
This lizard needs to be greener.

Hey, we make a new friend! Meet Elizabeth, or Lizard as everyone calls her. The Knave of Hearts helped her out in the past and taught her how to be a thief. Lizard is totally in love with the Knave of hearts now, so she would be really sad if the Knave of Hearts lost his head.

Lizard and Alice disguise themselves as executioners to stop the Knaves execution, just like Socrates and Billy the Kid did for Bill and Ted in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

a screencap of the knave of hearts (played by cgi) turned to stone with a tweedle behind him
The Knave is so stoned right now.

It’s all in vain though, because Jafar and the Red Queen just show up right after the rescue to spoil everyone’s fun. Jafar is about to kill the Knave, until Alice uses one of her wishes to stop him. She wishes that she ill die if the Knave dies. For some reason, if you kill a genie’s master, you can’t get any wishes from the genie. Does this mean that if a genie’s master die accidentally, that the genie can never grant any wishes again, or does it only happen if the master is murdered? Anyway, Jafar can’t kill Alice or the Knave, if wants to get Cyrus transferred to him.

Angered, Jafar turns the Knave into stone, hoping that Alice will have to use one of her wishes to turn him back into flesh.

a screencap of jafar's staff
*HISS*

In the past, Jafar had also turned Amara into a magical staff. Jafar likes turning people into inanimate objects. At least she gets to be at the side of the man she love forever now.

a screencap of burp guard (played by christian bower)
*BRAP*

Meet Burp Guard. Burp Guard is my new hero. Burp Guard provides Cyrus with a wishbone that Cyrus can magically use to escape from his cage. Genies have magic over any object with the word “wish” in it, don’t you know?

So, yeah, this episode ends with Cyrus starting to escape from his cage, but I bet it will still be a few episode before he and Alice are reunited. Heck, at the start of next week’s episode, I bet Jafar shows up just before Cyrus is about to break free and stops him while cackling or something.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E06 “Ariel”

SPOILER ALERT! THIS EPISODE CONTAINS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CGI!

This week on Once Upon a Time, Snow White goes to the prom with a freaky fish lady.

a screencap of snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) and the mermaid ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) hanging out on some rocks
Surf & Turf

So, Snow White jumps into the sea to escape Regina’s men and then Ariel the mermaid saves her from drowning. They become fast friends.

It turns out that Ariel fell in love at first sight with the human Prince Eric, but she’s afraid that they can never be together on account of the whole being a mermaid that must live in water thing.

Why is it that every female character on this has to have a backstory that’s all about true love and trying to have a “happily ever after”? Are they not allowed to deviate from the Disney movie formula?

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin)
Legs prominently featured

In this universe Ursula is a goddess, instead of a witch, and once a year at the highest possible tide, she grants mermaids the ability to transform their fins into legs. It just so happens that the highest tide coincides with Prince Eric’s Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, so Ariel takes this opportunity to go to the dance and meet with Eric.

a screecap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and prince eric (played by gill mckinney)
Is that Princess Jasmine on the right?

It turns out that Eric is madly in love with Ariel as well. Eric is leaving the next day to explore the world and he invites Ariel to join him, but, OH NO! Ariel’s legs with have reverted to fins by then.

It’s interesting to not that Eric says that one of the places he is going to visit is Agrabah and at that exact moment there is a woman in blue with her midriff showing, just like Princess Jasmine. I also wonder if they are just namedropping Agrabah, or is this is going to connect to Jafar and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland eventually?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) talking to an imposter belled (played by emilie de ravin)
Stop talking to your hallucinations!

Back in the present-day Neverland, Rumpelstiltskin is still just kind of hanging around and being a nutbar by himself, that is, until Peter Pan shows up again to try and demoralize him. Peter Pan tells Rumpelstiltskin that he should give up on trying to save Henry, because Rumpelstiltskin will die in the process and that he should go home to Belle and start a new family with her, because she “looks fertile”. Ick. Ick. Ick. No, Lost Boys should never comment on a woman’s fetility. It grosses me out. How does Peter Pan know anything about Belle or Rumpelstiltskin’s life in Storybrooke, anyway?

And then the hallucination Belle shows up and is all like, “Yeah, Rumple, you should listen to Pan. I’m hella fertile. Your current family sucks anyway.”

a screencap of peter pan's shadow (played by CGI)
I hate this thing.

Regina interrupts and reveals that the hallucination Belle was really Peter Pan’s shadow the whole time. That’s a bit gross. Didn’t Rumpelstiltskin and hallucination Belle kiss at some point? This means that Pan’s shadows has probably been relaying everything that Rumpelstilskin has been saying, you know, via charades or something, and that ain’t good.

I also wonder what Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow has been up to. We haven’t seen it since he cut it off. Can Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow shapeshift like Peter Pans? What happened to the shadow that we saw Pan tear out of Greg Mendell?

Anyway, Regina convinces Rumpelstiltskin that they should join forces, because wandering around in circles in the jungle with the Charmings has gotten really, really annoying. They need to rescue Henry and go do something more interesting.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) transformed into ursula the sea goddess
Girl, you are looking fabulous!

Back to the fishy mermaid story of lovey dovey. Regina has been spying on Snow White and Ariel and she devises yet another plan to kill Snow White that will of course not work. We already know that Snow White survives to the present, so there is never any tension in these stories about her and Regina’s past.

Anyway, Regina disguises herself as Ursula so that she can trick Ariel into joining her in her evil plan, also because it’s just too fun to look that fabulous and ham it up.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher), regina (played by lana parrilla) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) transformed into a mermaid
A Poor Unfortunate Soul

Regina gives Ariel a magical bracelet to put on Snow White that gives Ariel legs and changes Snow White’s legs into fins, unfortunately, since Snow White has no idea how use fins, this leaves her helpless. Snow White is completely at Regina’s mercy now, but instead of killing Snow White right away, which would be the smart thing to do, Regina drags it out and gives Ariel enough time to grab a fork to stab her with.

Ariel takes the bracelet off Snow White, which means that she loses her legs and won’t be able to go on the journey with Eric. Snow White convinces Ariel to tell Eric about her fishiness, because, who knows? Maybe Eric is into that kind of thing. Regina steals Ariel’s voice at the last second though, so she will never be able to tell Eric the truth.

Fast forward to present day, Regina returns Ariel’s voice to her and says that will give Ariel legs and reunite her with Eric, if she does a favour for her. You see mermaids can travel between realms (the Hell?) and they need a magical doohickey from Mr. Gold’s store in Storybrooke. Yay! We’re going back to Storybrooke!

So, mermaids can just spontaneously open portals between worlds or something? That’s really dang useful. You’d figure that Regina or Rumpelstiltskin would have captured one and be keeping it in a tank in their basement for emergencies.

a screencap of neal (played by  michael raymond-james) hugging emma (played by jennifer morrison)
And then the “Captain Swan” fans grabbed their torches and pitchforks.

So, what have the Charmings and Captain Hook been doing this whole time?

Well, it turns out that Captain Hook really is a good guy and he tells them right away that Neal is alive and in Neverland, even though this means that he’ll have to stop macking on Emma. Emma says that the only reason she kissed Hook was because she was bored or something and she likes messing with people’s emotions.

Neal is in the middle of a magical pit that can only be crossed if everyone reveals a dark secret they’ve been hiding. That evil, evil Peter Pan, making everyone tell the truth. Who does he think he is?

So, everyone’s deep dark secret:

  • Hook kissed Emma and he’s was afraid to admit that this means he’s moved on from his dead love, Milah.
  • Mary Margaret is upset because she isn’t really getting that mother-daughter experience that she wanted with Emma and when they get home to Storybrooke, she want’s to start over again with a new baby.
  • We already know David’s secret. He can’t leave Neverland because he had his dreamshade poisoning cured by the magic spring, so he can’t have a baby with Margaret in Storybrooke.
  • And Emma’s secret is that she was hoping that Neal really was dead, because she was afraid of facing all the hurt that Neal caused her. Emma is just in general really bad at dealing with emotions

So, after Neal and Emma are back together, he tells her that he’ll never stop fighting for her, except he totally did already. Doesn’t he remember how he fell in love with Tamara and got engaged to her?

Hey, we never found out who was in that other cage from last week. Bleh. I hate waiting.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E03 “Quite a Common Fairy”

SPOILER ALERT! I’M HIGH ON ENERGY DRINKS! SPOILER ALERT!

In this episode, we learn the power of using toddlers as bait.

a screencap of robin hood (play be sean maguire) holding his son, roland (played by raphael alejandro)
Wholesome!

In the enchanted forest, Neal meets Robin Hood’s little son, Roland and hatches a plan to get to Neverland. It turns out that all you have to do is have a child say, “I believe” by a window and Peter Pan’s Shadow will come to take them away. Neal grabs the Shadow’s foot and away he goes to Neverland.

Incidentally, when discussing options to open portals to Neverland, Neal mentions ruby slippers, like the kind Dorothy had in MGM‘s version of The Wizard of Oz. It’s important to not tha tin the original L. Frank Baum story, that the shoes were actually silver, and that’s what they’d probably have to go with is they told any of The Wizard of Oz story because of rights issues.

a screencap of felix (played by parker croft) with an apple on his head
Miss the apple on purpose! SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE!

In the camp of the Lost Boys, Peter Pan crows like a rooster to wake Henry up. Well, he tried to crow like a rooster. I don’t think that it sounded anything like a rooster. It was more like some sort of weird cough.

Anyway, Peter Pan wants to turn our little Henry into a little bastard, so he orders Henry to try and shoot an apple off of Felix’s head with a poison arrow. You know, because just accidentally shooting Felix in the face wouldn’t enough. He’d have to accidentally poison Felix in the face as well. Well, Henry just turned right around and shot the arrow at Peter Pan, who used his mad ninja skills to catch it in midair.

Henry, a young child, tried to murder another child in cold blood. Looks like Henry is taking after Regina.

a screencap of tinke bell (played by rose mciver) flying surrounded by green pixie dust
I don’t believe in fairies!

Meanwhile, the bickering alliance of Heroes and Villains is having trouble finding Peter Pan’s camp, so they decide try and find Tinker Bell, because she might have magic pixie dust, which is, like, way better than fairy dust.

Yes, in this universe, pixie dust and fairy dust are two different things, but they’re both made by the fairies. That’s not confusing at all.

Regina doesn’t like the idea of finding Tinker Bell, though. She and Tinker Bell have a past.

a screencap of regina's mysterious soulmate
WHO COULD THIS BE!?

It turns out that in the past, Tinker Bell put her ass on the line to steal some pixie dust from the Blue Fairy that could be used to find Regina a new soul mate. Unfortunately, after the pixie dust was used, Regina was too afraid to go after her new true love, a man with a lion tattoo, and the Blue Fairy stripped Tinker Bell of her wings for stealing the dust. Tinker Bell is quite rightly miffed that her sacrifice was for nothing.

I really don’t like the way that the Blue Fairy behaves in this episode. These events take place before Regina becomes the Evil Queen and yet the Blue Fairy refuses to give the pixie dust to her because her mother, Cora, was evil. How good is a fairy, if her heart is full of prejudice?

I hope there’s an upcoming episode where everyone claps and Tinker Bell regains her wings. Also, since Tinker Bell doesn’t have magic anymore, it couldn’t have been her that was messing with Rumpelstiltskin with his old doll, so who was it? Curious.

a screencap of the lion tatton on robin hood's arm
I assure you, this is Robin Hood’s arm.

In this episode, we almost find out f it’s Aurora or Philip that Mulan is in love with. Presumably, it’s Aurora, because that was who she was about to confess too, but, unfortunately, before Mulan can say anything, Aurora tells her that she’s pregnant with Philip’s baby. Mulan decides to do the honourable thing and keep her mouth shut and also run away with Robin Hood’s band of Merry Men, as one does when their heart is broken.

Anyway, big surprise! It’s Robin Hood that has the lion tattoo and is, therefore, Regina’s soulmate. I find it interesting that it’s a lion. Does this mean that Robin Hood is secretly King Richard the Lionheart?

All that Regina knows about her soulmate is that he has a lion tattoo. Want to bet that some evildoer gets a lion tattoo to trick her?

a screencap of tinker bell's underwear (played by rose mciver's stunt butt?)
I see London! I see France!

Well, that’s all for this week. Here, have a picture of Tinker Bell’s underpants.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E02 “Lost Girl”

SPOILER DERP! SPOILER DERP!

I’m feeling a bit janky, so alls you’re getting this week is my weird, long and rambling notes on this episode.

a screencap of captain hook (played by Colin O'Donoghue), emma (played by Jennifer Morrison), regina (played by Lana Parrilla), mary margaret (played by Ginnifer Goodwin) and David (played by Josh Dallas) standing around looking all determined and junk
TEAMWORK!

Rumpelstiltskin removes his Shadow and gives it the Dark One’s dagger for safekeeping. The Shadows are separate, autonomous beings from their casters (people that cast shadows?) I wonder if a shadow could betray it’s caster? Greg’s shadow better not jump back inside of him and bring him back to life. Weird, up until this point, Shadows were removed from inside people, but Rumpelstiltskin casts his Shadow onto a wall and cuts it off from his feet. (Don’t tell the writers that more that one light source can cause a person to cast multiple shadows.)

Hook and Charming are having a pissing match. This is a productive use of their energy.

Neverland is evil. EVIL! Everything is cursed, poisonous or annoying. EVIL!

The magic mirror/genie is back.

A rehash, yet again, in a flashback, of the old feud between Regina and the Charmings. She gives them an ultimatum, yet again, and, yet again, they find a way to weasel out of it. This show has to remind us every few episodes that the EVIL QUEEN is evil, or else we might forget.

Peter Pan totally pulls a “I like a girl with spirit!” with Emma and it is really, really gross.

Emma needs to admit to herself that she’s fairy tale Jesus. Why has fairy tale God forsaken her?

Ugh. They’re bickering again. Didn’t that thing with the mermaids teach them about teamwork? Why have they forgotten already?

a screencap of Snow White (played by Ginnifer Goodwin) with a deer behind her in the background
DEER SIGHTING!

What’s up with that deer in the background? I bet that deer is an evil spy. I saw an evil look in that devilish deer’s eye. Or, it’s Bambi.

Don’t spinning wheels usually have a pedal? Why is Rumpelstiltskin always turning it with his hands? When are we going to get the flashback where Aurora pricks her finger on Rumpelstiltskin’s spindle? Rumpelstiltskin must be involved in everybody’s backstory.

Belle can astral project or something. Or, she’s an illusion. Rumpelstiltskin needs to see a therapist. Rumpelstiltskin has daddy issues. Quickly, everyone start pitching your wild theories as to who Rumpelstiltskin’s father could be! My bet is that Rumpelstiltskin’s father is Merlin, who had to leave because he was aging backwards. Eventually, when Merlin became boy-aged, he realized that only had a few more years left before he would die, so he travelled to Neverland, where he would stop aging (or youngening), and became PETER PAN!

Snow White’s wig looks like it’s been farted upon by hobos.

The Enchanted Forest is really small. You can get anywhere in less than a half day’s ride.

Captain Hook and Prince Charming are in love with each other now.

How did Felix get Rumpelstiltskin’s old doll anyhow?

Excalibur? REALLY? Heh. Remember that time that Lancelot died offscreen? Um. Snow White can wield Excalibur? She’s “The Once and Future King”? Her name isn’t Arthur! HARUMPH.

Peter Pan is wearing Henry’s clothing. Henry is naked somewhere.

There’s a fight, but none of the stupid kids die. HARUMPH.

Captain Hook alludes to having done something horrible to Rufio in the past. I’m going to bet that they deviate from the storyline of the movie Hook and actually have the bad thing be something other that killing Rufio. Rufio will probably return as yet another character looking for revenge.

Adoption is evil. EVIL!

Oh, good, it’s a fake Excalibur. She just needed to think it was Excalibur, so that she would believe in herself. Incidentally, “Mudd’s Women” is a cruddy episode of Star Trek.

Rumpelstiltskin takes Snow White’s Mother’s necklace. This will probably be an important plot point later.

It’s implied that a fairy, possibly Tinker Bell, is messing with Rumpelstiltskin. YAY! More characters!

Prince Charming is poisoned!

That deer is my new favourite character. (I hope it’s Bambi!)

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