My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E09 “Save Henry”

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

I really liked this episode, but, at the same time, I thought that it added a bunch of confusing elements.

a screencap of emma (played by jennifer morrison) and regina (played by lana parrilla) over an unconscious henry (played by jared s. gilmore)
Henry, always being so dramatic.

Hey, Henry isn’t dead (Boo.), but he will be soon, if they don’t retrieve his heart from Pan.

And the lesson here is never to give your heart to anyone, especially if it’s literally.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) imprisoned
There’s no toilet in there…

Back in the past Enchanted Forest, after Regina had cast the Dark Curse, she goes to Rumpelstiltskin to gloat. I’m not sure how this scene actually had time to happen, because, if I recall correctly, the curse cloud spread very quickly throughout the land and this scene is a couple of minutes long. Whatever. Regina and Rumpelstiltskin are always fun together, so let’s roll with it.

Rumpelstiltskin tells Regina that she shouldn’t be gloating, because, since she killed her own father, there is now a hole in her heart, and, one day, she’ll need to seek out his help to fill it. Regina is all like, “Nuh-uh! My revenge is absolute! I’ve got everything I could ever want!”

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) fawning over a baby henry (playe by some baby-guy)
He was cute, before he could talk.

Well, lo and behold, it turns out that being the mayor of a cruddy podunk town isn’t enough to make Regina happy. In fact, the last time she could remember being really happy, was when she was hanging out with the young Owen Flynn (too bad he grew up to be such a butt). Regina decides she wants to adopt a baby. Personally, I think that she should have just made a baby with sexy, sexy Sheriff Graham, but I guess a literally heartless man might not make a good father.

But it will take a minimum of two years to adopt a baby and Regina wants one NOW. Indeed, she does end up seeking out Rumpelstiltskin’s help, only he’s just Mr. Gold here, because the curse altered his memory. Regina plays right into his hands.

Mr. Gold finds Regina a baby, which she names “Henry” after her father. Baby Henry is defective, though. He won’t stop crying. Regina gets paranoid about the actual origin’s of the baby, so she calls up Sidney Glass (I think Giancarlo Esposito actually phoned-in his performance of being on a phone hehe) and asks him to look up Henry’s birth parents and just when Regina finally gets Henry to stop crying, Sidney sends her information that points to the Saviour being Henry’s birth mother. Regina must return Henry to the adoption agency, or risk the Saviour coming to Storybrooke to retrieve the child.

And I’ve gotten confused about the rules of Storybrooke again. No one can enter or leave, but they can telephone people outside of the town and use the internet, apparently. There’s also the whole bit about time being stopped, although the residents of Storybrooke don’t notice because their memories are all wonky, wouldn’t the people they know in the outside world get confused because of it?

a screencap of john (played by matt kane) and michael (played by james immekus)
Hipsters can’t adopt.

Regina is unable to give up Henry. She loves him too much. This is bad news for the other family that the agency had lined-up, who just so happen to be John and Michael Darling, which doesn’t make any sort of sense. Apart from them probably not being adequate adoption candidates, the picture that Peter Pan had of Henry is him as an 11-year-old, not a baby. But, really, why didn’t they try to steal the baby from Regina? They would just open a portal to Neverland right after. It’s not like they’d get caught.

Come to Boston, where they’ll give a baby to anyone, even two brothers in their twenties.

Unable to cope with her fear of the Saviour coming and being a mother at the same time, Regina drinks a potion to wipe her memories.

So, bother Regina and Rumpelstiltskin had no memories of their past lives? Doesn’t that contradict a lot of the events of season 1? I had this theory back then that neither Regina or Rumpelstiltskin actually had their old memories, but they had read Henry’s book and guessed who they were in their past lives. It couldn’t have been that, could it?

a screencap of felix (played by parker croft)
…UGH

In the present, Regina and Emma interrogate the Lost Boys about Pan’s location and Felix is being a butt, as usual. Emma decides to offer to be a mother to all 40 of the Lost Boy, you know, because she’s uber good at being a mother and stuff, but, hey, the Lost Boys take the bait and tell her that Peter Pan is hanging out at his Thinking Tree.

Felix alon remains resolute in his loyalty to Pan, though. He doesn’t need a mother, anyhow. He’s about like, what, 30?

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla), emma (played by jennifer morrison) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) trapped by vines
Their favourite superheroine is Wonder Woman.

Oh no! Think Thinking Tree was a trap! It has vines that get tighter the more regrets you have.

Neverland, the place where the malevolent fauna will force you into expository dialogue.

Snow White regrets abandoning Emma and Emma regrets continually letting Henry down, but what does Regina regret?

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) retrieving henry's heart from pan while emma (played by jennifer morrison) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) look on shocked
Regina doing what she does best.

REGINA REGRETS NOTHING! All of her horrible actions just led her to her greatest happiness: her son. She’s a better mother than both those whiners. WHAM! She rips her son’s her out of Pan’s chest.

Everyone returns to the ship, Regina returns Henry’s heart to his chest and casts a spell on him to prevent his heart from being taken ever again, which, really, she should have done years ago, what with heart removal being everyone’s favourite pastime in this universe.

And then something happens that made no sense to me. Peter Pan switches his Shadow with Henry’s right he gets sucked into Pandora’s box. Apparently, this was like switching souls, because Pan is in control of Henry’s body now, but, up until this point, we’ve seen Shadows act like autonomous entities and we’ve seen people talk to them like they were actual people themselves. We still don’t even know where Rumpelstiltskin’s Shadow went and he doesn’t seem like an empty shell without it.

I hope this doesn’t mean that Pan, as Henry, is going to convince them to turn around and go back to Neverland. We really need to get out of there.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E08 “Think Lovely Thoughts”

SPOILER ALERT! I’M REALLY BAD AT SELF-EDITING!

This episode is a lot more fun, if you keep in mind that “box” is a slang term for “vagina”.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) and a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff)
Meet Rumpelstiltskin’s Deadbeat Dad

So, we finally meet Rumpelstiltskin’s dad, who is a grifter by trade.

All this time, we’ve been told by this show that Rumpelstiltskin’s father’s main trait was that he was a coward, but we don’t really see that demonstrated in this episode. All we are shown is that Rumpelstiltskin’s father is dishonest and extremely self-serving. He seems to be a great deal braver than Rumpelstiltskin, in fact.

a screencap of some spinsters (played by lindsay collins and glynis davies)
Same-Sex Middle-Aged Co-Habitation

So, to continue to engage in a life of crime and drunkenness, Rumpelstiltskin foists his whiny son on a couple of weird spinster ladies who dress the same.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) giving a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff) a creepy doll
Here, have a creepy doll, son-guy.

He gives Rumpelstiltskin a creep doll to keep the poor kid company. There ya go. That’s the origin story for the creepy doll that Rumpelstiltskin has been carrying around while going nuts in the jungle, this season. There really isn’t anything special about it, other than it coming from his father.

a screencap of the spinsters (played by lindsay collins and glynis davies) teaching a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff) to use a spinning wheel
One of us! One of us!

The weird sisters, or lesbian life partners, or whatever they are, teach Rumpelstiltskin how to spin wool. So, that’s the origin of that thing too. Wait, Rumpelstiltskin told his wife, Milah, that his mom taught him to spin, not his moms. They’re not even his moms, though, they’re just some ladies his dad knew.

Who are these spinster ladies, really? I’d say that they’re secretly the Spinners of Fate from Greek myth, but there are only two of them. If I recall correctly, there should be the spinner, the measurer and the cutter, if they really are the Greek Fates. Maybe, they need Rumpelstiltskin to fill-in as the third role? They really seem to want to keep Rumpelstiltskin.

Another possible reference to Greek mythology? Seriously, when is Hercules going to show up and kick everyone’s ass?

a screencap of the spinsters (played by lindsay collins and glynis davies) offering a magic bean
Always take magic beans from strangers!

Anyway, there’s definitely something off about these spinsters. They give Rumpelstiltskin a magic bean, so that he and his father can escape to a land where no one knows that Rumpelstiltskin’s father is a grifter.

Why haven’t they used the bean themselves? They live in a dirty hovel and their lives don’t really seem that great.

Where did they get the bean in the first place? The giants would still be alive at this point and it would be hard to steal one.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) and a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff) jumping into a portal
Weeeeeee!

And here is an example of how Rumpelstiltskin’s father is braver than Rumpelstiltskin. They decide to use the magic bean to go to Neverland and Rumpelstiltskin dives right into the portal, quite unlike how Rumpelstiltskin was unwilling to go through the portal years later with Baelfire.

a screencap of everyone pointing their weapons at rumpelstiltskin
Brandishing weapons is fun!

The villains and heroes are reunited, and everyone turns on Rumpelstiltskin, because Neal tells them all about the prophecy and how Rumpelstiltskin would have to kill Henry to prevent his own death.

This doesn’t last long. They need Rumpelstiltskin, because he is the most powerful magic-user.

The plan is to sneak-up on Peter Pan and trap him forever inside Pandora’s Box.

a screencap of neal (played by michael raymond-james) and rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) facing-off as emma (played by jennifer morrison) looks on
Hey, dad-guy. Sup, son-guy?

Neal doesn’t like the idea of Rumpelstiltskin having his hands on Pandora’s Box, though. Neal takes Pandora’s Box, so that if Rumpelstiltskin turns on them, Neal can trap him inside the box to stop him.

a screencap of wendy (played by freya tingley) reunited with an adult baelfire (played by michael raymond-james)
This is a bit awkward…

They invade Pan’s camp, but Henry and Pan aren’t there anymore. Wendy is there, though, and she and Baelfire are finally reunited after many years.

I still confused about the timeline here. How did Baelfire not meet-up with Wendy during his first stay in Neverland? When he did get back to Earth, why didn’t he look up Wendy to see what happened to her? They were like family, after all.

Anyway, Wendy tells the group that Pan has taken Henry to Skull Rock and they have to hurry because Pan is going to remove Henry’s heart so that he can gain all its power.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) and emma (played by jennifer morrison) doing magic together
JAZZ HANDS!

When they get to Skull Rock, they’re blocked by a magic barrier that only lets people without shadows through. Rumpelstiltskin can get past, because he cut of his shadow ages ago and now Neal finally believes him about it.

Wouldn’t it be really easy for Neal to check if his father had a shadow, though? He could have just had Rumpelstiltskin stand by the fire and looked. Whatever.

How does everyone else cross the barrier? The light from the moon is causing them all to have shadows! Regina decides to join with Emma, so that their combined magics will cause an eclipse.

a screencap of a lunar eclipse
Impressive Special Effects

Yes, moving an entire planet so that it blocks the path of the light from the sun from reaching the moon is much easier than conjuring up an opaque blanket or something to block the light.

a screencap of peter pan (played by robbie kay) and henry (played by jared s. gilmore) in front of a giant hourglass
Peter Pan’s Den

Whuh-Oh! Our heroes are running out of time! We can tell this, because there is a giant hourglass covered in skulls to show us.

Yo, Henry, when there are a bunch of skulls all over the place, it’s usually a huge red flag that something bad is about to go down.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) meeting the shadow
So, whose shadow is it?

Back in the past Neverland, Rumpelstiltskin’s father wants to fly, but can’t. A shadow shows up to tell him it’s because he’s an adult.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father (played by stephen lord) giving a young rumpelstiltskin (played by wyatt oleff) to the shadow
Take my son, please!

There’s an easy fix though! On Neverland, your beliefs become real! All he has to do is believe really, really hard that he is a child and he will become one. The only problem is that Rumpelstiltskin is a constant reminder that he is, in fact, an adult.

Easy peasy! Just give your son to the creepy evil shadow!

And then, Rumpelstiltskin’s father starts turning into a child, even before Rumpelstiltskin is out of eyesight. Wouldn’t the kid have to away for a while before he could believe he was a kid himself?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin's father changing into peter pan (played by robbie kay)
Always pixie dust, but never any pixies?

IT TURN’S OUT THAT PETER PAN WAS RUMPELSTILTSKIN’S FATHER THIS WHOLE TIME! Why did his accent change as well? At least we now know why Peter Pan says creepy sex stuff once in a while.

So, Peter Pan is Rumpelstiltskin’s father? In a weird way, I already sort of guessed this by the second episode this season, only I thought the reason that he was younger than Rumpelstiltskin was because he was Merlin and was aging backwards.

And now I’m confused again as to the exact nature of the Shadows. Who does the first Shadow belong to? It’s not Peter Pan’s. It predates him.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) holding his doll and pandora's box
You can only take one toy with you.

Rumpelstiltskin holding his doll and Pandora’s box is to illustrate to the viewer the difficult choice that Rumpelstiltskin has to make. Does he reconcile with his father, or destroy him?

a screencap of peter pan (played by robbie kay) trapping rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) in pandora's box
It’s the fog that turns people inside-out!

But, really, it’s Peter Pan that has Pandora’s Box, because Pan believes that he has the box. Doesn’t Rumpelstiltskin believe that he has the box, too? It’s confusing this belief magic stuff.

Whatever. Peter Pan traps Rumpelstiltskin in Pandora’s Box.

a screencap of henry (played  by jared s. gilmore) taking his heart out while peter pan (played by robbie kay) looks on
Kali ma! Kali ma!

Without Rumpelstiltskin to stop Peter Pan, he convinces stupid Henry to tear out his own heart.

What was the stupid lie that Pan told Henry to get him to do this? Something stupid about “saving magic”? Bleh. Henry is dumb.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) shoving his heart in the chest of peter pan (plyaed by robbie kay)
UNF!

Henry puts his heart into Pan’s chest. Peter Pan has two hearts now and has become an all-powerful time lord or something.

I bet this was really all about the Shadow becoming all-powerful. After all, it’s been the Shadow telling Peter Pan what to do this whole time.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) being dead
YAY!

And Henry is dead. AGAIN. He won’t stay dead for long. For one thing, Rumpelstiltskin’s Shadow is still flying free and stupid Peter Pan didn’t put Pandora’s Box in his pocket. Pan just left the box lying on a ledge, where anyone can get at it.

Also, I bet it wasn’t even Henry’s real heart. He could have conjured up a decoy heart with the power of his belief.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E07 “Dark Hollow”

SPOILER ALERT! IRONIC EYEWEAR CONTAINED HEREIN!

In tonight’s episode, Belle protects Storybrooke from two misguided hipsters.

a screencap of the words "five days ago"
Five days ago

Really? Everyone has only been on Neverland for five days? It seems like they’ve been wandering around in the wilderness for an eternity…

a screencap of belle (played by emilie de ravin) talking to dr hopper (played by raphael sbarge), mother superior (played by keegan connor tracy), leroy (played by lee arenberg)
Hey, remember these guys?

So, we’re back to Storybrooke and a bunch of the side characters – the ones whose actors that haven’t yet moved on to other shows-  show up to remind us that they still exist and to help Belle cast the cloaking spell that Rumpelstiltskin left her around Storybrooke.

a screencap of john darling (played by matt kane) and michael darling (played by james immekus)
They only buy albums on vinyl.

However, they don’t cast the cloaking spell in time and a pair of nefarious hipsters affiliated with Peter Pan manage to sneak in. What are they up to with their thick-rimmed glasses and their scarves?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle)  in a magic message to belle
Help me, Belle Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

Ariel shows up with Rumpelstiltskin’s message to Belle. He tells Belle that she can find a special magical object in his store with the power of their love.

That should be easy. All Belle ever talks about is Rumpelstiltskin and their wonderful love and how magical it is. She really doesn’t seem to have a life outside of her relationship with Rumpelstiltskin at all.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) entranced by a thingamabob or corkscrew
A thingamabob! Ariel just needs 19 more and her collection will be complete!

Ariel continues to be fascinated by the world of Man, so she’s too busy being entranced by random object in Rumpelstiltskin’s shop to help Belle find the magical trinket. At least she seems to have gotten over her kleptomania.

a screencap of belle (played by emilie de ravin) holding up chip
Poor chip has been separated from his mom for so long…

It turns out that Rumpelstiltskin and Belle’s love is represented by the cup that Belle chipped oh so many years ago.

I’m still waiting for this stupid cup to come to life and blame Belle for maiming him.

a screencap of belle (played by emilie de ravin) hold pandora's box
WHAT’S IN THE BOX!?

It turns out that the hidden magical object is Pandora’s Box. Belle says that in contains great evil inside, but, if I recall correctly, Pandora already let all the evil out of the box and the only thing left inside was Hope.

I always wonder why Pandora left Hope inside the box. You’d figure that it should be let out in order to combat all the evil.

Hey, this, along with Pegasus, is the second reference this season to an ancient Greek legend. Does this mean that Hercules is going to show up soon? I bet someone calls him “Jerkules”.

a screencap of john darling (played by matt kane) and michael darling (played by james immekus) pointing guns
My worst nightmare: hipsters with guns

Oh no! The hipsters arrive just as Belle finds Pandora’s Box and they point their guns at Belle and Ariel all ironic-like.

The hipsters aren’t really bad guys, though. They’re really John and Michael Darling. Peter Pan has kidnapped their sister, Wendy, and has holding her hostage for a hundred years. They have to get Pandora’s Box or Pan will kill her.

Eventually, Belle explains to the Darling brothers that giving Pandora’s Box to Rumpelstiltskin will allow Rumps to stop Pan, so they let Ariel have the box back and everybody is friends now.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) untying herself and belle (played by emilie de ravin)
The scene that launched a thousand Rule 34 drawings

A pair of beautiful gals in short skirts and tied up? The internet is going to have a field day with this.

a screencap of david (played by josh dallas) trying to explain himself to an angry snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin)
She’s had enough of your crap, Charming.

Meanwhile, in Neverland, Snow White is seriously peeved-off with Charming or lying to her. As it turns out, Snow would gladly stay on Neverland with Charming because he’s all she really needs.

What about Emma? Shouldn’t Snow be upset that staying on Neverland probably means being separated from her daughter? Is she really just giving up on Emma and starting over with a new baby, like Emma never happened in the first place? That won’t be good for Emma’s feelings of abandonment.

a screencap of wendy darling (played by freya tingley) in a cage
100 years old and she hasn’t aged a bit!

Wendy and her brothers tried to rescue Baelfire from Neverland many years ago, but they failed and Wendy was thrown into a cage for 100 years.

It’s going to be one weird family reunion when the Darlings and Neal are together again. Everyone is the wrong age now. Then again, Neal was in a cage right next to Wendy’s for a little bit. I wonder if they’ve spoken to each other already? If Wendy came to Neverland so many years ago to save Neal, why did he leave without her? Did he not know she was there?

Anyway, Pan forces Wendy to use her mad acting skills to convince Henry that magic is leaving Neverland and that it’s causing the island and its inhabitants to die. Henry must use his “heart of the truest believer” to bring the magic back to Neverland.

Peter Pan is still being really vague about what his true intentions with Henry are. Pan says that what he really needs is for Henry to believe in him. We aren’t given the slightest hint at why Pan wants this or what it will do. I’m getting tired of all the vagueness. Not everything has to be some big mystery that spans several episodes. Sometimes is fun when people plainly state what their intentions are.

a screencap of captain hook (played by colin o'donoghue) and neal (played by michael raymond-james) and a coconut
Just give up on her, you two.

Neal had used Pan’s Shadow to escape Neverland the first time. It turns out that the coconut starmap doubles as a Shadow trap, because they didn’t feel like building another prop. Wait, if the coconut was the starmap and shadow trap that Neal used to escape Neverland, what was it still doing in Neverland? Wouldn’t it have had to have come with Neal to New York?

So, Neal, Captain Hook and Emma journey to the lair of the Shadows AKA Dark Hollow. It is a very dangerous place, but Neal and Hook waste time fighting eachother for the love of Emma, because apparently Neverland is just like high school and hormones always take precedent over the task at hand.

Emma refuses to choose between the two of them, because, really, they’re supposed to be saving Henry. I bet in the end she meets a third person to fall in love with and breaks both of these guy’s poor hearts.

Emma uses magic to trapped Peter Pan’s Shadow. I felt that Neal should have seemed more upset by that. Magic ruined his relationship with his father, after all.

Oh, and what happened to Rumpestiltskin’s Shadow, anyway? Couldn’t they have just used that Shadow?

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) looking out on skull rock
Skull Island? I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island!

Next week, Henry has to travel to the mysterious Skull Rock and believe really hard for mysterious reasons. MYSTERIES!

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E06 “Ariel”

SPOILER ALERT! THIS EPISODE CONTAINS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CGI!

This week on Once Upon a Time, Snow White goes to the prom with a freaky fish lady.

a screencap of snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) and the mermaid ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) hanging out on some rocks
Surf & Turf

So, Snow White jumps into the sea to escape Regina’s men and then Ariel the mermaid saves her from drowning. They become fast friends.

It turns out that Ariel fell in love at first sight with the human Prince Eric, but she’s afraid that they can never be together on account of the whole being a mermaid that must live in water thing.

Why is it that every female character on this has to have a backstory that’s all about true love and trying to have a “happily ever after”? Are they not allowed to deviate from the Disney movie formula?

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin)
Legs prominently featured

In this universe Ursula is a goddess, instead of a witch, and once a year at the highest possible tide, she grants mermaids the ability to transform their fins into legs. It just so happens that the highest tide coincides with Prince Eric’s Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, so Ariel takes this opportunity to go to the dance and meet with Eric.

a screecap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and prince eric (played by gill mckinney)
Is that Princess Jasmine on the right?

It turns out that Eric is madly in love with Ariel as well. Eric is leaving the next day to explore the world and he invites Ariel to join him, but, OH NO! Ariel’s legs with have reverted to fins by then.

It’s interesting to not that Eric says that one of the places he is going to visit is Agrabah and at that exact moment there is a woman in blue with her midriff showing, just like Princess Jasmine. I also wonder if they are just namedropping Agrabah, or is this is going to connect to Jafar and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland eventually?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) talking to an imposter belled (played by emilie de ravin)
Stop talking to your hallucinations!

Back in the present-day Neverland, Rumpelstiltskin is still just kind of hanging around and being a nutbar by himself, that is, until Peter Pan shows up again to try and demoralize him. Peter Pan tells Rumpelstiltskin that he should give up on trying to save Henry, because Rumpelstiltskin will die in the process and that he should go home to Belle and start a new family with her, because she “looks fertile”. Ick. Ick. Ick. No, Lost Boys should never comment on a woman’s fetility. It grosses me out. How does Peter Pan know anything about Belle or Rumpelstiltskin’s life in Storybrooke, anyway?

And then the hallucination Belle shows up and is all like, “Yeah, Rumple, you should listen to Pan. I’m hella fertile. Your current family sucks anyway.”

a screencap of peter pan's shadow (played by CGI)
I hate this thing.

Regina interrupts and reveals that the hallucination Belle was really Peter Pan’s shadow the whole time. That’s a bit gross. Didn’t Rumpelstiltskin and hallucination Belle kiss at some point? This means that Pan’s shadows has probably been relaying everything that Rumpelstilskin has been saying, you know, via charades or something, and that ain’t good.

I also wonder what Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow has been up to. We haven’t seen it since he cut it off. Can Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow shapeshift like Peter Pans? What happened to the shadow that we saw Pan tear out of Greg Mendell?

Anyway, Regina convinces Rumpelstiltskin that they should join forces, because wandering around in circles in the jungle with the Charmings has gotten really, really annoying. They need to rescue Henry and go do something more interesting.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) transformed into ursula the sea goddess
Girl, you are looking fabulous!

Back to the fishy mermaid story of lovey dovey. Regina has been spying on Snow White and Ariel and she devises yet another plan to kill Snow White that will of course not work. We already know that Snow White survives to the present, so there is never any tension in these stories about her and Regina’s past.

Anyway, Regina disguises herself as Ursula so that she can trick Ariel into joining her in her evil plan, also because it’s just too fun to look that fabulous and ham it up.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher), regina (played by lana parrilla) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) transformed into a mermaid
A Poor Unfortunate Soul

Regina gives Ariel a magical bracelet to put on Snow White that gives Ariel legs and changes Snow White’s legs into fins, unfortunately, since Snow White has no idea how use fins, this leaves her helpless. Snow White is completely at Regina’s mercy now, but instead of killing Snow White right away, which would be the smart thing to do, Regina drags it out and gives Ariel enough time to grab a fork to stab her with.

Ariel takes the bracelet off Snow White, which means that she loses her legs and won’t be able to go on the journey with Eric. Snow White convinces Ariel to tell Eric about her fishiness, because, who knows? Maybe Eric is into that kind of thing. Regina steals Ariel’s voice at the last second though, so she will never be able to tell Eric the truth.

Fast forward to present day, Regina returns Ariel’s voice to her and says that will give Ariel legs and reunite her with Eric, if she does a favour for her. You see mermaids can travel between realms (the Hell?) and they need a magical doohickey from Mr. Gold’s store in Storybrooke. Yay! We’re going back to Storybrooke!

So, mermaids can just spontaneously open portals between worlds or something? That’s really dang useful. You’d figure that Regina or Rumpelstiltskin would have captured one and be keeping it in a tank in their basement for emergencies.

a screencap of neal (played by  michael raymond-james) hugging emma (played by jennifer morrison)
And then the “Captain Swan” fans grabbed their torches and pitchforks.

So, what have the Charmings and Captain Hook been doing this whole time?

Well, it turns out that Captain Hook really is a good guy and he tells them right away that Neal is alive and in Neverland, even though this means that he’ll have to stop macking on Emma. Emma says that the only reason she kissed Hook was because she was bored or something and she likes messing with people’s emotions.

Neal is in the middle of a magical pit that can only be crossed if everyone reveals a dark secret they’ve been hiding. That evil, evil Peter Pan, making everyone tell the truth. Who does he think he is?

So, everyone’s deep dark secret:

  • Hook kissed Emma and he’s was afraid to admit that this means he’s moved on from his dead love, Milah.
  • Mary Margaret is upset because she isn’t really getting that mother-daughter experience that she wanted with Emma and when they get home to Storybrooke, she want’s to start over again with a new baby.
  • We already know David’s secret. He can’t leave Neverland because he had his dreamshade poisoning cured by the magic spring, so he can’t have a baby with Margaret in Storybrooke.
  • And Emma’s secret is that she was hoping that Neal really was dead, because she was afraid of facing all the hurt that Neal caused her. Emma is just in general really bad at dealing with emotions

So, after Neal and Emma are back together, he tells her that he’ll never stop fighting for her, except he totally did already. Doesn’t he remember how he fell in love with Tamara and got engaged to her?

Hey, we never found out who was in that other cage from last week. Bleh. I hate waiting.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E05 “Good Form”

SPOILER ALERT! THIS POST IS IMAGE  HEAVY! RUN!

So, in this episode, we learn that child abuse is A-OK, well, as long as you believe that you have a good reason to be doing it, that is.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) swordfighting with lost boy devin (played by skyler gisondo)
KILL! KILL! KILL!

Peter Pan is trying to turn Henry into a little bastard and it seems to be working out pretty okay. He orders Henry to swordfight another child and Henry launches into it with enthusiastic vigor and such.

a screencap of devin (played by skyler gisondo) with a cut on his cheek
You’ve just made an enemy for life, kid.

And then he “accidentally” cuts the kid’s cheek and suddenly the swordfighting game isn’t fun anymore.

Well, you know how it is with these kids, once they’ve gotten a taste for blood, they’re no good anymore. I’m afraid that we’re going to have to put Henry down, for everyone’s safety.

a screencap of captain liam jones (played by bernard curry) and his brother lieutenant killian jones (played by colin o'donoghue)
Brohams

So, back in the past, Captain Hook, or Killian Jones, as he was known in those days, was a fine, upstanding citizen, a lieutenant in the King’s Nazy in fact. Which king, you ask? Errr… You know the king-guy with the crown and stuff, whose name and the country he runs aren’t important.

Also, his captain is his brother, Liam Jones. Don’t get too attached to him.

Anyway, nameless king-guy sends the Jones brothers on a mission to retrieve some dreamshade from Neverland. The king says that dreamshade is a panacea, but we already know that it is in fact the opposite, on account of that Charming dude being poisoned by it 5 years ago and taking his sweet time dying from it.

Poor little flying horsey...
Poor little flying horsey…

To make it possible for their ship to get to Neverland they murdered Hercules’ winged horse, Pegasus, and used the feathers from its wings to make a special sail. Hercules is going to be pissed when he finds out about that.

I hope Hercules shows up and he’s played by Kevin Sorbo. Also, he kills everyone and this show just becomes Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. I liked that show.

a screencap of a flying ship
Weeeeeeeee!

The Pegasus feather sail makes the ship fly through the air, but how does that make sense? The feathers made Pegasus fly because, well, they were attached to its freaking wings. I guess in the magic world you can just staple feathers to anything and it will start floating, because to Hell with the laws of aerodynamics. MAGIC!

a screencap of a magical golden sextant with an image of a pegasus on it
Pretty!

Mystery king-guy gave the Joneses a magical sextant to find Neverland. Now, sextants are used to navigate by looking through them at the constellations, you know, at nightthe they use this one during broad daylight. I guess that’s it magical power, that you can see the stay through it, even during the day. Also, sextants are really just measuring tools. You measure between a known star and the horizon to get your location. You still need an actual map and coordinates when you’re using a sextant, but, hey, whatever, IT’S MAGIC.

No “second star to the right” is not a coordinate. To the right of what, I ask you? To the right of what!?

a screencap of captain liam jones (played by bernard curry) and lieutenant killain jones (played by colin o'donoghue) pointing their swords at peter pan (played by robbie kay)
Aaah! It’s a threatening child! Be on your guard!

When they get to Neverland, Peter Pan shows up and is all like, “Hey, stupids, dreamshade is really a poison.”, but Liam is all like, “Nuh-uh, king-guy wouldn’t lie to us. I hate you, you stupid kid. Stop bad-mouthing king-guy.”

Liam then tries to prove that dreamshade isn’t really a poison by stabbing himself with its thorns, because, apparently, he was too lazy and stupid to find a squirrel or some other critter to test it on and he promptly dies.

Peter Pan shows up again and leads Killian to a magical spring that can heal anything, but fails to tell Killian that one must stay on Neverland or the effects of the springs will wear off and the person will die, so, after Killian resurrects Liam and they head home to wherever, Liam just ends up dying again. And that is why Captain Hook hates Peter Pan, apparently, because Peter Pan tried to warn them about the dreamshade and then gave Killian a few extra moments with his brother, when he could have just rubbed his nose in it for not listening to him about the dreamshade.

Everyone keeps saying that Peter Pan is a monster, but the only people we’ve seen him kill were very annoying and other than that, he just seems to want to teach people important life lessons.

a screencap of the dreamshade poison spreading on the chest of david (played by josh dallas)
That ain’t good…

Back in present day, Prince Charming is still dying very slowly from the dreamshade poisoning and he still won’t tell his family about it, because he is a gigantic, crazy dummy.

Captain Hook lies to Charming that the magical sextant, which could be used to find their way home, is still on the island, when he really just chucked it into the sea. He’s really leading Charming to the magical healing spring, not the sextant. Anyway, Charming is healed now, but he can’t leave the island without dying.

Charming tells his family that Hook saved his life, but he lies about the circumstances. He says that Hook save him from Lost Boys. He doesn’t tell them that he can’t leave the island now. It’s alright when Charming lies, because he’s one of the good guys and good guy tell good lies.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) offering a chocolate bar to devin (played by skyler gisondo)
Always take candy from strangers.

Speaking of Lost Boys, Regina and Emma capture the Lost Boy who Henry had injured earlier. Regina offers him candy, if he leads them to Henry, but the lost boy isn’t having any of that, so Emma wraps her hands around the child’s throat and threatens him. It’s a really awful and uncomfortable scene.

I think it was a really bad idea for the writers to make the Lost Boys evil. Having the Lost Boys fight and defeat adult pirates is fun because it’s a subversion of the power imbalance between children and adults that we have in the real world. Having adults fight children and win isn’t fun at all, because that’s how things always work out in the real world. Really, what are we going to be saying to ourselves at the end of all of this? “Yay! Our heroes defeated the small, orphaned and lost children! Huzzah!”

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) controlling a child's heart
Should have taken the candy, kid.

When Emma’s threatening and menacing of the 4-foot-tall child don’t work, Regina rips out the child’s heart and uses it to control the kid. They send the Lost Boy back to Pan’s camp with a magic mirror so they can tell Henry, “Hey, son-guy, we’re here to save you and junk, so don’t despair.”

a screencap of emma (played by jennifer morrison) kissing captain hook (played by colin o'donoghue)
And the fangirls went wild!

And then Emma kisses Hook, because he saved her father’s life or something. She didn’t really seam to be that into it, which was weird.

Peter Pan, of course, has to show up and ruin Captain Hook’s fun. He tells Hook  and only Hook, that Neal is still alive and is in Neverland at that very moment. Will Hook keep this information to himself so he can keep macking on Emma with impunity? Neal was his surrogate son for a while, you’d think Hook would rush right to save Neal. I bet he’s going to keep it a secret. Hook likes making out more than he likes Neal.

a screencap of two cages,one of which holds neal and the other holds a mystery person
WHAT’S IN THE BOX!?

The Lost Boys shoved Neal into a box next to another box with a mystery person in it. Who it this mystery person? Is is someone we have already met? I bet it’s Rumpestiltskin’s father.

So, kids, how are they going to get Charming off of Neverland without him dying? I bet it’s something like, because Peter Pan created Neverland with his mind, he basically is Neverland and then Charming will become his father figure and since Peter will always be in his heart, Charming will take a piece of Neverland with him wherever he goes, or something cheesy like that.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E04 “Nasty Habits”

SPOILER ALERT! THIS POST IS ABOUT THE FOURTH EPISODE OF THE THIRD SEASON OF ONCE UPON A TIME, “NASTY HABITS”.

IN THIS EPISODE: IT’S A DADDY ISSUES FIRE SALE! ALL DADDY ISSUES MUST GO! FREE ANGST WITH EVERY PURCHASE!

a screencap of felix (played by parker croft) and neal (played by michael raymond james) walking through the woods
Felix is the worst!

In the beginning of the episode, Felix is leading Neal through the woods, while being a smarmy weirdo and  I was all like, “Crud, this is going to be a Felix-heavy episode, isn’t it?”

Incidentally, that wooden club that Felix carries looks to be an Irish weapon called a “shillelagh”. I’m now going to assume that Felix is the world’s tallest leprechaun, because EVERYBODY ON THIS SHOW MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS.

a screenacap of neal (played by michael raymond-james) punching felix (played by parker croft)
YAY!

Anyway, then Neal punched Felix in his stupid face and all was well.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) applying warpaint
The hunt is on.

Meanwhile, Rumpelstiltskin was tripping balls in the woods and painting his face like he was a war veteran, with post-traumatic stress disorder, having flashbacks.

He’s still having hallucinations of Belle, which is weird. Is there an external cause for his visions, or is he just nuts?

HalluciBelle is the most emotionally-needy, annoying hallucination ever. I hope we get back to Storybrooke soon to hang out with the real Belle and she does something other than talk about Rumpelstiltskin all the time. Belle isn’t a real character anymore. She’s just a prop in Rumpelstiltskin’s story, but, then again, isn’t that everyone on this show now?

As it turns out, even Peter Pan is connected to Rumpelstiltskin’s story. Peter Pan and Rumpelstiltskin were friends as children, but they had a falling-out. Peter betrayed Rumpelstiltskin. Years later, Peter Pan, as the Pied Piper of Hamlin (EVERYBODY ON THIS SHOW MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS!), used a magically flute that can only be heard boys with daddy issues, to draw away Baelfire away from Rumpelstiltskin in an attempt to kidnap him. Baelfire’s daddy issues, of course, centre around the fact that his dad is an evil, murderous and cowardly control freak.

So, Peter Pan is also the Pied Piper of Hamlin? That means that his pan flute also summons rats, right? Is Neverland full of rats, then? Can Peter Pan make the rats do his bidding? Is Peter Pan the cause of the Black Death?

What is the reason that Peter Pan only wants boys, anyway? Is his one weakness cooties?

Anyone want to bet that Peter Pan used to have the Heart of the Truest Believer, but his evil deeds blackened his heart? Pan says that he built Neverland out of his dreams, but he doesn’t seem to have that power anymore and he says that Henry does. Can you use magic to switch hearts between two people?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) and baelfire (played by michael raymond-james) fighting a giant squid
Ursula?

Neal and Rumpelstiltskin are reunited once again. Neal blows into the wrong end of a conch shell to summon a giant squid. Squid ink can be used to paralyze magic-users. The use it to freeze Pan and steal back Henry, who thankfully spent most of this episode asleep and not talking.

Neal learns of the prophecy that the a boy will be the undoing of the Dark One. Both Neal and Rumpelstiltskin believe that this “boy” is Henry, so Neal uses the squid ink on Rumpelstiltskin, because he trust him not to hurt Henry, what with Rumpelstiltskin’s evil past an all.

Why is everyone assuming that the “boy” is Henry and that “undoing” means death? There’s a whole island of Lost Boys and any one of them could be the “boy”. And “undoing” could mean anything really. Maybe it just means that the Dark One will be turned back into a regular man.

The Last Alliance of Heroes and Villains did some stuff too. Prince Charming is still very slowly dying of dreamshade poison and they found a star chart that leads back to Earth that Neal built out of a coconut shell, which, unfortunately, is in a code that only Neal can read.

How did Neal make that star chart, anyway? Was he some sort of geometry-wizard-astrophysicist-wunderkind as a child? Wouldn’t the stars on Neverland be completely different from the ones on Earth? Is Neverland  in the same galaxy as Earth? Is Neverland on Earth? Did Neal use a spaceship to escape Neverland? Did Neal use to own the Millennium Falcon and then he sold it to Lando Calrissian to buy an apartment in New York?

Is Rumpelstiltskin a Sith Lord?

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