My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E09 “Save Henry”

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

I really liked this episode, but, at the same time, I thought that it added a bunch of confusing elements.

a screencap of emma (played by jennifer morrison) and regina (played by lana parrilla) over an unconscious henry (played by jared s. gilmore)
Henry, always being so dramatic.

Hey, Henry isn’t dead (Boo.), but he will be soon, if they don’t retrieve his heart from Pan.

And the lesson here is never to give your heart to anyone, especially if it’s literally.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) imprisoned
There’s no toilet in there…

Back in the past Enchanted Forest, after Regina had cast the Dark Curse, she goes to Rumpelstiltskin to gloat. I’m not sure how this scene actually had time to happen, because, if I recall correctly, the curse cloud spread very quickly throughout the land and this scene is a couple of minutes long. Whatever. Regina and Rumpelstiltskin are always fun together, so let’s roll with it.

Rumpelstiltskin tells Regina that she shouldn’t be gloating, because, since she killed her own father, there is now a hole in her heart, and, one day, she’ll need to seek out his help to fill it. Regina is all like, “Nuh-uh! My revenge is absolute! I’ve got everything I could ever want!”

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) fawning over a baby henry (playe by some baby-guy)
He was cute, before he could talk.

Well, lo and behold, it turns out that being the mayor of a cruddy podunk town isn’t enough to make Regina happy. In fact, the last time she could remember being really happy, was when she was hanging out with the young Owen Flynn (too bad he grew up to be such a butt). Regina decides she wants to adopt a baby. Personally, I think that she should have just made a baby with sexy, sexy Sheriff Graham, but I guess a literally heartless man might not make a good father.

But it will take a minimum of two years to adopt a baby and Regina wants one NOW. Indeed, she does end up seeking out Rumpelstiltskin’s help, only he’s just Mr. Gold here, because the curse altered his memory. Regina plays right into his hands.

Mr. Gold finds Regina a baby, which she names “Henry” after her father. Baby Henry is defective, though. He won’t stop crying. Regina gets paranoid about the actual origin’s of the baby, so she calls up Sidney Glass (I think Giancarlo Esposito actually phoned-in his performance of being on a phone hehe) and asks him to look up Henry’s birth parents and just when Regina finally gets Henry to stop crying, Sidney sends her information that points to the Saviour being Henry’s birth mother. Regina must return Henry to the adoption agency, or risk the Saviour coming to Storybrooke to retrieve the child.

And I’ve gotten confused about the rules of Storybrooke again. No one can enter or leave, but they can telephone people outside of the town and use the internet, apparently. There’s also the whole bit about time being stopped, although the residents of Storybrooke don’t notice because their memories are all wonky, wouldn’t the people they know in the outside world get confused because of it?

a screencap of john (played by matt kane) and michael (played by james immekus)
Hipsters can’t adopt.

Regina is unable to give up Henry. She loves him too much. This is bad news for the other family that the agency had lined-up, who just so happen to be John and Michael Darling, which doesn’t make any sort of sense. Apart from them probably not being adequate adoption candidates, the picture that Peter Pan had of Henry is him as an 11-year-old, not a baby. But, really, why didn’t they try to steal the baby from Regina? They would just open a portal to Neverland right after. It’s not like they’d get caught.

Come to Boston, where they’ll give a baby to anyone, even two brothers in their twenties.

Unable to cope with her fear of the Saviour coming and being a mother at the same time, Regina drinks a potion to wipe her memories.

So, bother Regina and Rumpelstiltskin had no memories of their past lives? Doesn’t that contradict a lot of the events of season 1? I had this theory back then that neither Regina or Rumpelstiltskin actually had their old memories, but they had read Henry’s book and guessed who they were in their past lives. It couldn’t have been that, could it?

a screencap of felix (played by parker croft)
…UGH

In the present, Regina and Emma interrogate the Lost Boys about Pan’s location and Felix is being a butt, as usual. Emma decides to offer to be a mother to all 40 of the Lost Boy, you know, because she’s uber good at being a mother and stuff, but, hey, the Lost Boys take the bait and tell her that Peter Pan is hanging out at his Thinking Tree.

Felix alon remains resolute in his loyalty to Pan, though. He doesn’t need a mother, anyhow. He’s about like, what, 30?

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla), emma (played by jennifer morrison) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) trapped by vines
Their favourite superheroine is Wonder Woman.

Oh no! Think Thinking Tree was a trap! It has vines that get tighter the more regrets you have.

Neverland, the place where the malevolent fauna will force you into expository dialogue.

Snow White regrets abandoning Emma and Emma regrets continually letting Henry down, but what does Regina regret?

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) retrieving henry's heart from pan while emma (played by jennifer morrison) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) look on shocked
Regina doing what she does best.

REGINA REGRETS NOTHING! All of her horrible actions just led her to her greatest happiness: her son. She’s a better mother than both those whiners. WHAM! She rips her son’s her out of Pan’s chest.

Everyone returns to the ship, Regina returns Henry’s heart to his chest and casts a spell on him to prevent his heart from being taken ever again, which, really, she should have done years ago, what with heart removal being everyone’s favourite pastime in this universe.

And then something happens that made no sense to me. Peter Pan switches his Shadow with Henry’s right he gets sucked into Pandora’s box. Apparently, this was like switching souls, because Pan is in control of Henry’s body now, but, up until this point, we’ve seen Shadows act like autonomous entities and we’ve seen people talk to them like they were actual people themselves. We still don’t even know where Rumpelstiltskin’s Shadow went and he doesn’t seem like an empty shell without it.

I hope this doesn’t mean that Pan, as Henry, is going to convince them to turn around and go back to Neverland. We really need to get out of there.

Recap: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland S01E05 “Heart of Stone”

SPOILER ALERT! I KNOW ALL YOUR SECRETS!

In this episode, we throw our whole lives away for a guy we just met.

a screencap of will scarlet (played by michael socha) and anastasia (played by emma rigby) about to jump into the looking glass
Hwuh?

Anastasia and Will Scarlet are all happy and about to head off to Wonderland when…

a screencap of anastasia's mother (played by sarah-jane redmond) being angry
THEY’RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU!

Anastasia’s mom shows up to ruin their good time.

It turns out that Anastasia is quite the disappointment to her mother, because she’s not a queen or even a noblewoman and she can’t stand the fact that her daughter has fallen in love with the commoner, Will Scarlet. This is basically rehash of the relationship that Regina had with her mother, Cora, on Once Upon a Time.

Anastasia’s mother mentions that Anastasia has sister’s. If this is the Anastasia from the Cinderella story, then her sisters will be Cinderella and Drizella. Cinderella, as you may remember, is also Ashley Boyd in Storybrooke. We haven’t seen Ashley for a long time. She had just given birth, if I recall correctly. I wonder if they’d actually consider bringing Cinderella back for Once Upon a Time in Wonderland? I hope that mentioning the sisters isn’t just another allusion that doesn’t pay off.

a screencap of alice (played by sophie lowe) covering the stone knave with a blanket
Yes. That is very helpful, Alice.

Alice feels really bad about the Knave getting turned to stone.

What happened Elizabeth the Lizard? She was right there with them wasn’t she? Lizard seemed really interested in helping the Knave, but she’s just up and disappeared.

a scrreencap of the old prisoner (played by brian george) in a cage
I’ve been here since aught-diggity, laddie.

So, Cyrus escapes, but the old prisoner decides not to go with him.

I actually have a new theory as to just who the old prisoner is. I think it may actually be an older Jafar from another universe or timeline. Young Jafar wants Old Jafar to tell him about his future, but Old Jafar knows exactly what a horrible person he was when he was younger, so he’s keeping his mouth shut. He doesn’t want Young Jafar to have any more power.

a screencap of anastasia (played by emma rigby) flirting with the king (played by garwin sanford)
What boyfriend?

Back in the past, Will Scarlet and Anastasia sneak into a royal ball to steal bread, because breaking into a bakery would be riskier, duh.

While Will is off doing the dirty work stealing roll, Anastasia flirts with the king. It all goes so well until one of the ladies notices that Anastasia is wearing a dress stolen from her carriage and they get kicked out. Who steals a dress from a carriage right outside the place they are sneaking into? And who keeps extra clothing just lying around in their carriage?

Hey remember that time that Cinderella snuck into a ball, and that time that Cora snuck into a ball, and that that time Ariel and Snow White into a ball, like, only two weeks ago? They need to find another activity for the upper class of the fairy tale world to engage in.

a screencap of alice (played by sophie lowe) crossing the great divide while the red queen (played by emma rigby) looks on
Should’ve leapt from the lion’s head.

Remember that scene from Indian Jones and the Last Crusade, where Indy has to take a leap of faith? This episode totally rips that scene off, but they take twenty minutes doing it.

So, yeah, this week’s magical macguffin is magical dust that can only be found by taking a leap of faith into the Great Divide. The Red Queen needs the dust to protect herself fro Jafar, but the catch is that one needs a pure heart to take the leap and the Red Queen’s heart has been tainted by her evil deeds. Apparently, Alice has a pure heart, which I don’t really buy. Remember how Alice just stabbed the Mock Turtle for no reason? In fact, Alice is always threatening people with her sword. That’s not the type of thing someone with a pure heart would do, I shouldn’t think. Alice falls into the chasm anyway, maybe because her heart isn’t entirely pure?

a screencap of jafar (played by naveen andrews) holding aloft the white rabbit's severed foot
Something’s afoot…

Meanwhile, Jafar has his turncoat Tweedle bring him the White Rabbit. Jafar wants the White Rabbit to tell him who Alice’s loved ones are, so that he can hold them hostage and force Alice to use her remaining wishes to save them. The White Rabbit Refuses to, that is, until Jafar chops off one of his feet in a scene that’s sure to he traumatized many of the younger viewer.

The White Rabbit tells Jafar who the loved on is off-screen. I find that type of thing annoying. They interrupt the narrative flow just so they can stretch a reveal out over several episodes and usually the payoff is a letdown.

They want us to think that this loved one is really Alice’s father, but I bet that it’s her mother. Or her kitten. Didn’t Alice have a kitten in the story?

a screencap of alice (played by sophie lowe) meeting her younger self doppelganger (played by millie brown)
Creepy…

In the chasm of dust or whatever, Alice is confronted with a creepy doppelganger moppet of her younger self. The doppelganger tries to goad Alice into killing the Red Queen, but Alice has too much of a pure heart to kill her. The doppelganger then crumples into the magic dust. Is the dust actually the remains of the doppelganger? Are they carrying around the ashes of a dead ghost girl? This sequence was just weird.

a screencap of anastasia (played by emma rigby) waving with the king (played by garwin sanford)
You don’t even know this man’s name…

Anastasia later breaks back into the palace to try and steal the crown jewels. The king catches her, but instead of having her beheaded he’s all like, “Hey, kid, I like your gumption! Why don’t you marry me and junk?”

And so, Anastasia abandons her love and Anastasia marries a man she just met 10 minutes ago for the power and riches. Didn’t Cora do this exact same thing? Is betraying the person you love to marry into royalty how all the ladies become queens in wonderland?

The king isn’t around anymore, so the Red Queen probably ends up killing him or something? Or does she really fall in love with him, but he dies and that’s why she wants to change the laws of magic, so she can bring the king back from the dead?

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E07 “Dark Hollow”

SPOILER ALERT! IRONIC EYEWEAR CONTAINED HEREIN!

In tonight’s episode, Belle protects Storybrooke from two misguided hipsters.

a screencap of the words "five days ago"
Five days ago

Really? Everyone has only been on Neverland for five days? It seems like they’ve been wandering around in the wilderness for an eternity…

a screencap of belle (played by emilie de ravin) talking to dr hopper (played by raphael sbarge), mother superior (played by keegan connor tracy), leroy (played by lee arenberg)
Hey, remember these guys?

So, we’re back to Storybrooke and a bunch of the side characters – the ones whose actors that haven’t yet moved on to other shows-  show up to remind us that they still exist and to help Belle cast the cloaking spell that Rumpelstiltskin left her around Storybrooke.

a screencap of john darling (played by matt kane) and michael darling (played by james immekus)
They only buy albums on vinyl.

However, they don’t cast the cloaking spell in time and a pair of nefarious hipsters affiliated with Peter Pan manage to sneak in. What are they up to with their thick-rimmed glasses and their scarves?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle)  in a magic message to belle
Help me, Belle Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

Ariel shows up with Rumpelstiltskin’s message to Belle. He tells Belle that she can find a special magical object in his store with the power of their love.

That should be easy. All Belle ever talks about is Rumpelstiltskin and their wonderful love and how magical it is. She really doesn’t seem to have a life outside of her relationship with Rumpelstiltskin at all.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) entranced by a thingamabob or corkscrew
A thingamabob! Ariel just needs 19 more and her collection will be complete!

Ariel continues to be fascinated by the world of Man, so she’s too busy being entranced by random object in Rumpelstiltskin’s shop to help Belle find the magical trinket. At least she seems to have gotten over her kleptomania.

a screencap of belle (played by emilie de ravin) holding up chip
Poor chip has been separated from his mom for so long…

It turns out that Rumpelstiltskin and Belle’s love is represented by the cup that Belle chipped oh so many years ago.

I’m still waiting for this stupid cup to come to life and blame Belle for maiming him.

a screencap of belle (played by emilie de ravin) hold pandora's box
WHAT’S IN THE BOX!?

It turns out that the hidden magical object is Pandora’s Box. Belle says that in contains great evil inside, but, if I recall correctly, Pandora already let all the evil out of the box and the only thing left inside was Hope.

I always wonder why Pandora left Hope inside the box. You’d figure that it should be let out in order to combat all the evil.

Hey, this, along with Pegasus, is the second reference this season to an ancient Greek legend. Does this mean that Hercules is going to show up soon? I bet someone calls him “Jerkules”.

a screencap of john darling (played by matt kane) and michael darling (played by james immekus) pointing guns
My worst nightmare: hipsters with guns

Oh no! The hipsters arrive just as Belle finds Pandora’s Box and they point their guns at Belle and Ariel all ironic-like.

The hipsters aren’t really bad guys, though. They’re really John and Michael Darling. Peter Pan has kidnapped their sister, Wendy, and has holding her hostage for a hundred years. They have to get Pandora’s Box or Pan will kill her.

Eventually, Belle explains to the Darling brothers that giving Pandora’s Box to Rumpelstiltskin will allow Rumps to stop Pan, so they let Ariel have the box back and everybody is friends now.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) untying herself and belle (played by emilie de ravin)
The scene that launched a thousand Rule 34 drawings

A pair of beautiful gals in short skirts and tied up? The internet is going to have a field day with this.

a screencap of david (played by josh dallas) trying to explain himself to an angry snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin)
She’s had enough of your crap, Charming.

Meanwhile, in Neverland, Snow White is seriously peeved-off with Charming or lying to her. As it turns out, Snow would gladly stay on Neverland with Charming because he’s all she really needs.

What about Emma? Shouldn’t Snow be upset that staying on Neverland probably means being separated from her daughter? Is she really just giving up on Emma and starting over with a new baby, like Emma never happened in the first place? That won’t be good for Emma’s feelings of abandonment.

a screencap of wendy darling (played by freya tingley) in a cage
100 years old and she hasn’t aged a bit!

Wendy and her brothers tried to rescue Baelfire from Neverland many years ago, but they failed and Wendy was thrown into a cage for 100 years.

It’s going to be one weird family reunion when the Darlings and Neal are together again. Everyone is the wrong age now. Then again, Neal was in a cage right next to Wendy’s for a little bit. I wonder if they’ve spoken to each other already? If Wendy came to Neverland so many years ago to save Neal, why did he leave without her? Did he not know she was there?

Anyway, Pan forces Wendy to use her mad acting skills to convince Henry that magic is leaving Neverland and that it’s causing the island and its inhabitants to die. Henry must use his “heart of the truest believer” to bring the magic back to Neverland.

Peter Pan is still being really vague about what his true intentions with Henry are. Pan says that what he really needs is for Henry to believe in him. We aren’t given the slightest hint at why Pan wants this or what it will do. I’m getting tired of all the vagueness. Not everything has to be some big mystery that spans several episodes. Sometimes is fun when people plainly state what their intentions are.

a screencap of captain hook (played by colin o'donoghue) and neal (played by michael raymond-james) and a coconut
Just give up on her, you two.

Neal had used Pan’s Shadow to escape Neverland the first time. It turns out that the coconut starmap doubles as a Shadow trap, because they didn’t feel like building another prop. Wait, if the coconut was the starmap and shadow trap that Neal used to escape Neverland, what was it still doing in Neverland? Wouldn’t it have had to have come with Neal to New York?

So, Neal, Captain Hook and Emma journey to the lair of the Shadows AKA Dark Hollow. It is a very dangerous place, but Neal and Hook waste time fighting eachother for the love of Emma, because apparently Neverland is just like high school and hormones always take precedent over the task at hand.

Emma refuses to choose between the two of them, because, really, they’re supposed to be saving Henry. I bet in the end she meets a third person to fall in love with and breaks both of these guy’s poor hearts.

Emma uses magic to trapped Peter Pan’s Shadow. I felt that Neal should have seemed more upset by that. Magic ruined his relationship with his father, after all.

Oh, and what happened to Rumpestiltskin’s Shadow, anyway? Couldn’t they have just used that Shadow?

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) looking out on skull rock
Skull Island? I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island!

Next week, Henry has to travel to the mysterious Skull Rock and believe really hard for mysterious reasons. MYSTERIES!

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E06 “Ariel”

SPOILER ALERT! THIS EPISODE CONTAINS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CGI!

This week on Once Upon a Time, Snow White goes to the prom with a freaky fish lady.

a screencap of snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) and the mermaid ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) hanging out on some rocks
Surf & Turf

So, Snow White jumps into the sea to escape Regina’s men and then Ariel the mermaid saves her from drowning. They become fast friends.

It turns out that Ariel fell in love at first sight with the human Prince Eric, but she’s afraid that they can never be together on account of the whole being a mermaid that must live in water thing.

Why is it that every female character on this has to have a backstory that’s all about true love and trying to have a “happily ever after”? Are they not allowed to deviate from the Disney movie formula?

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin)
Legs prominently featured

In this universe Ursula is a goddess, instead of a witch, and once a year at the highest possible tide, she grants mermaids the ability to transform their fins into legs. It just so happens that the highest tide coincides with Prince Eric’s Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, so Ariel takes this opportunity to go to the dance and meet with Eric.

a screecap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and prince eric (played by gill mckinney)
Is that Princess Jasmine on the right?

It turns out that Eric is madly in love with Ariel as well. Eric is leaving the next day to explore the world and he invites Ariel to join him, but, OH NO! Ariel’s legs with have reverted to fins by then.

It’s interesting to not that Eric says that one of the places he is going to visit is Agrabah and at that exact moment there is a woman in blue with her midriff showing, just like Princess Jasmine. I also wonder if they are just namedropping Agrabah, or is this is going to connect to Jafar and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland eventually?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) talking to an imposter belled (played by emilie de ravin)
Stop talking to your hallucinations!

Back in the present-day Neverland, Rumpelstiltskin is still just kind of hanging around and being a nutbar by himself, that is, until Peter Pan shows up again to try and demoralize him. Peter Pan tells Rumpelstiltskin that he should give up on trying to save Henry, because Rumpelstiltskin will die in the process and that he should go home to Belle and start a new family with her, because she “looks fertile”. Ick. Ick. Ick. No, Lost Boys should never comment on a woman’s fetility. It grosses me out. How does Peter Pan know anything about Belle or Rumpelstiltskin’s life in Storybrooke, anyway?

And then the hallucination Belle shows up and is all like, “Yeah, Rumple, you should listen to Pan. I’m hella fertile. Your current family sucks anyway.”

a screencap of peter pan's shadow (played by CGI)
I hate this thing.

Regina interrupts and reveals that the hallucination Belle was really Peter Pan’s shadow the whole time. That’s a bit gross. Didn’t Rumpelstiltskin and hallucination Belle kiss at some point? This means that Pan’s shadows has probably been relaying everything that Rumpelstilskin has been saying, you know, via charades or something, and that ain’t good.

I also wonder what Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow has been up to. We haven’t seen it since he cut it off. Can Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow shapeshift like Peter Pans? What happened to the shadow that we saw Pan tear out of Greg Mendell?

Anyway, Regina convinces Rumpelstiltskin that they should join forces, because wandering around in circles in the jungle with the Charmings has gotten really, really annoying. They need to rescue Henry and go do something more interesting.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) transformed into ursula the sea goddess
Girl, you are looking fabulous!

Back to the fishy mermaid story of lovey dovey. Regina has been spying on Snow White and Ariel and she devises yet another plan to kill Snow White that will of course not work. We already know that Snow White survives to the present, so there is never any tension in these stories about her and Regina’s past.

Anyway, Regina disguises herself as Ursula so that she can trick Ariel into joining her in her evil plan, also because it’s just too fun to look that fabulous and ham it up.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher), regina (played by lana parrilla) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) transformed into a mermaid
A Poor Unfortunate Soul

Regina gives Ariel a magical bracelet to put on Snow White that gives Ariel legs and changes Snow White’s legs into fins, unfortunately, since Snow White has no idea how use fins, this leaves her helpless. Snow White is completely at Regina’s mercy now, but instead of killing Snow White right away, which would be the smart thing to do, Regina drags it out and gives Ariel enough time to grab a fork to stab her with.

Ariel takes the bracelet off Snow White, which means that she loses her legs and won’t be able to go on the journey with Eric. Snow White convinces Ariel to tell Eric about her fishiness, because, who knows? Maybe Eric is into that kind of thing. Regina steals Ariel’s voice at the last second though, so she will never be able to tell Eric the truth.

Fast forward to present day, Regina returns Ariel’s voice to her and says that will give Ariel legs and reunite her with Eric, if she does a favour for her. You see mermaids can travel between realms (the Hell?) and they need a magical doohickey from Mr. Gold’s store in Storybrooke. Yay! We’re going back to Storybrooke!

So, mermaids can just spontaneously open portals between worlds or something? That’s really dang useful. You’d figure that Regina or Rumpelstiltskin would have captured one and be keeping it in a tank in their basement for emergencies.

a screencap of neal (played by  michael raymond-james) hugging emma (played by jennifer morrison)
And then the “Captain Swan” fans grabbed their torches and pitchforks.

So, what have the Charmings and Captain Hook been doing this whole time?

Well, it turns out that Captain Hook really is a good guy and he tells them right away that Neal is alive and in Neverland, even though this means that he’ll have to stop macking on Emma. Emma says that the only reason she kissed Hook was because she was bored or something and she likes messing with people’s emotions.

Neal is in the middle of a magical pit that can only be crossed if everyone reveals a dark secret they’ve been hiding. That evil, evil Peter Pan, making everyone tell the truth. Who does he think he is?

So, everyone’s deep dark secret:

  • Hook kissed Emma and he’s was afraid to admit that this means he’s moved on from his dead love, Milah.
  • Mary Margaret is upset because she isn’t really getting that mother-daughter experience that she wanted with Emma and when they get home to Storybrooke, she want’s to start over again with a new baby.
  • We already know David’s secret. He can’t leave Neverland because he had his dreamshade poisoning cured by the magic spring, so he can’t have a baby with Margaret in Storybrooke.
  • And Emma’s secret is that she was hoping that Neal really was dead, because she was afraid of facing all the hurt that Neal caused her. Emma is just in general really bad at dealing with emotions

So, after Neal and Emma are back together, he tells her that he’ll never stop fighting for her, except he totally did already. Doesn’t he remember how he fell in love with Tamara and got engaged to her?

Hey, we never found out who was in that other cage from last week. Bleh. I hate waiting.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E02 “Lost Girl”

SPOILER DERP! SPOILER DERP!

I’m feeling a bit janky, so alls you’re getting this week is my weird, long and rambling notes on this episode.

a screencap of captain hook (played by Colin O'Donoghue), emma (played by Jennifer Morrison), regina (played by Lana Parrilla), mary margaret (played by Ginnifer Goodwin) and David (played by Josh Dallas) standing around looking all determined and junk
TEAMWORK!

Rumpelstiltskin removes his Shadow and gives it the Dark One’s dagger for safekeeping. The Shadows are separate, autonomous beings from their casters (people that cast shadows?) I wonder if a shadow could betray it’s caster? Greg’s shadow better not jump back inside of him and bring him back to life. Weird, up until this point, Shadows were removed from inside people, but Rumpelstiltskin casts his Shadow onto a wall and cuts it off from his feet. (Don’t tell the writers that more that one light source can cause a person to cast multiple shadows.)

Hook and Charming are having a pissing match. This is a productive use of their energy.

Neverland is evil. EVIL! Everything is cursed, poisonous or annoying. EVIL!

The magic mirror/genie is back.

A rehash, yet again, in a flashback, of the old feud between Regina and the Charmings. She gives them an ultimatum, yet again, and, yet again, they find a way to weasel out of it. This show has to remind us every few episodes that the EVIL QUEEN is evil, or else we might forget.

Peter Pan totally pulls a “I like a girl with spirit!” with Emma and it is really, really gross.

Emma needs to admit to herself that she’s fairy tale Jesus. Why has fairy tale God forsaken her?

Ugh. They’re bickering again. Didn’t that thing with the mermaids teach them about teamwork? Why have they forgotten already?

a screencap of Snow White (played by Ginnifer Goodwin) with a deer behind her in the background
DEER SIGHTING!

What’s up with that deer in the background? I bet that deer is an evil spy. I saw an evil look in that devilish deer’s eye. Or, it’s Bambi.

Don’t spinning wheels usually have a pedal? Why is Rumpelstiltskin always turning it with his hands? When are we going to get the flashback where Aurora pricks her finger on Rumpelstiltskin’s spindle? Rumpelstiltskin must be involved in everybody’s backstory.

Belle can astral project or something. Or, she’s an illusion. Rumpelstiltskin needs to see a therapist. Rumpelstiltskin has daddy issues. Quickly, everyone start pitching your wild theories as to who Rumpelstiltskin’s father could be! My bet is that Rumpelstiltskin’s father is Merlin, who had to leave because he was aging backwards. Eventually, when Merlin became boy-aged, he realized that only had a few more years left before he would die, so he travelled to Neverland, where he would stop aging (or youngening), and became PETER PAN!

Snow White’s wig looks like it’s been farted upon by hobos.

The Enchanted Forest is really small. You can get anywhere in less than a half day’s ride.

Captain Hook and Prince Charming are in love with each other now.

How did Felix get Rumpelstiltskin’s old doll anyhow?

Excalibur? REALLY? Heh. Remember that time that Lancelot died offscreen? Um. Snow White can wield Excalibur? She’s “The Once and Future King”? Her name isn’t Arthur! HARUMPH.

Peter Pan is wearing Henry’s clothing. Henry is naked somewhere.

There’s a fight, but none of the stupid kids die. HARUMPH.

Captain Hook alludes to having done something horrible to Rufio in the past. I’m going to bet that they deviate from the storyline of the movie Hook and actually have the bad thing be something other that killing Rufio. Rufio will probably return as yet another character looking for revenge.

Adoption is evil. EVIL!

Oh, good, it’s a fake Excalibur. She just needed to think it was Excalibur, so that she would believe in herself. Incidentally, “Mudd’s Women” is a cruddy episode of Star Trek.

Rumpelstiltskin takes Snow White’s Mother’s necklace. This will probably be an important plot point later.

It’s implied that a fairy, possibly Tinker Bell, is messing with Rumpelstiltskin. YAY! More characters!

Prince Charming is poisoned!

That deer is my new favourite character. (I hope it’s Bambi!)

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E01 “The Heart of the Truest Believer”

SPOILER ALERT! AREN’T THESE SPOILERS ALERTS GETTING ANNOYING!? SPOILER ALERT!

Well, kiddies, here we go again for a third season…

I’d say this episode was mostly exposition, if the word “exposition” meant explaining things in the vaguest way possible, presumably, so that they can stretch out the revelation of important plot points over as many episodes as possible. The ole soap opera style long con, is what we’ve got on our hands here.

a screencap of a doctor holding newborn henry mills
Now, be a good Spartan and leave him to die of exposure in the wilderness.

A the beginning of the show, we get a flashback to Emma giving birth to Henry and then giving him up. During the birth, her magic cause an electrical disturbance and makes the lights flash, and nobody notices or cares. Don’t ever send me to that hospital. They don’t care if a power surge knock the life-sustaining equipment out.

Emma finally calls attention to the fact that her mother, Mary Margaret,  is the same age as her and doesn’t really have that much wisdom to impart. Also, that her whole “Happily Ever After” shtick is useless and annoying.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) wearing his old enchanted forest clothes
The clothes make the man.

Rumpelstiltskin changes into his old Enchanted Forest clothes. Where did Rumpelstiltskin get his old clothes from? Were they on the boat? Why did Captain Hook have Rumpelstiltskin’s clothing on his boat? I bet Captain Hook kept the Rumpelstiltskin’s clothes in his bunk and sniffed them during his alone time. Or… Rumpelstiltskin just magiced the clothing to the boat… Whatever.

Anyway, everybody on the boat is bickering and not working well together already and it’s a bit annoying how quickly the alliance of good and evil has started breaking down.

Soooo… Captain Hook was Baelfire surrogate father for awhile and now he’s crushing on Emma, Baelfire’s girlfriend. This is going to get awkward fast.

a screencap of greg mendell (played by ethan embry) starting a fire while tamara (played by sonequa martin-green) and henry (played by jared s. gilmore) look on
Marshmallows anyone?

Greg and Tamara take Henry on a sweet camping trip, the kind his mom and dad never had the time for.

It turns out that Greg and Tamara don’t know who they’re working for and they don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing what they’re doing. They just know that they needed to kidnap Henry and bring him to Neverland and then, like, magic, which they HATE, will… er… stop or something. They know this because of FAITH. WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY ELSE HAVE FAITH LIKE THEY DO?

Greg and Tamara are big fat dummies.

a screen cap of lost boy felix (played by paker croft)
This is Felix. I hate Felix.

Hey, it’s Felix and the Lost Boys, here to ruin everybody’s good time. They want Henry.

a screencap of greg mendell (played by ethan emby) having his shadow removed by the evil shadow peter pan
YOUR SOUL IS MINE!

Felix calls the scary Neverland shadow creature to pull Greg’s soul out of his body. Greg looks like he’s dead. I hope he is. He was annoying.

I’m not sure anymore whether or not the scary flying shadow is Peter Pan. It may be a completely separate character. Remember, in the original Peter Pan, Peter’s shadow kept running off, until Wendy sewed the shadow to Peter Pan. I think something like that may be happening here. Peter not being in control of his malevolent, soul-stealing shadow is a little scary.

a screencap of tamara (played by sonequa martin-green) getting hit in the back by an arrow
YAY!

And, Tamara get’s shot in the back with and arrow and there is much rejoicing. She doesn’t die though. Rumpelstiltskin comes by later and crushes her heart into dust, so that was good.

Free of Greg and Tamara, Henry runs into the woods to escape The Lost Boys.

a screencap of henry mills (played by jared s. gilmore) meeting a blond boy (played by robbie kay)
Just what we needed, another KID!

So, Jojen Reed finally meets Bran Stark in the forest and explains how their fathers were great allies during Robert’s Rebellion. Er… I mean… Some blond kid saves Henry from the mean upperclassmen that were chasing him.

a screencap of mulan (played by jamie chung), aurora (played by sarah bolger) and prince philip (played by julia morris) rushing to the side of baelfire (played by michael raymond-james)
Remember these guys?

Mulan, Aura and Prince Philip treat Neal’s wounds and, for some strange reason, put him on Aurora’s sleeping curse bed. Why would they do that? It’s just weird. Put the poor guy on a proper bed, jeez.

Hey, Prince Philip’s soul is back in his body! They never showed us how Prince Philip’s soul was returned to his body. I SMELL A FLASHBACK EPISODE COMING UP!

They keep asking Neal about Earth and technology and stuff, and being all like “Your world frightens and confuses me”. Weird that they didn’t really do that when they were hanging out with Emma.

Anyhoo, I predict many, many episodes of wandering around the forest and not really doing much for these brave adventurers.

a screencap of some evil mermaids
SPARKLY!

So, back to the boat, which is taking forever to reach the shores of Neverland, and evil mermaids start hitting the boat with their tails. Apparently, they’re really strong, because they actually start causing damage.

David straight-up starts firing a canon at the mermaids and it is ridiculous. He’s trying to murder sentient creatures without talking to them first. Maybe attacking the boat was all a big misunderstanding! We’ll never know, because attempting to explode them was his first choice of action.

a screencap of an evil mermaid (played by natasha wilson)
Grrrrrrrr…

They capture one of the mermaids for some reason and she is pissed. She uses a magic conch shell to conjure a  typhoon. I think Link from The Legend of Zelda had one of those.

Regina tells David to “Flay the bitch!”

FLAY THE BITCH? Holy Hell! I thought this was a family program!

Anyway, it turns out that the typhoon is fuelled by interpersonal discord and it just gets worse and worse as the people on the boat keep bickering and punching eachother in the face. Emma figures out that they need to start working together to stop the typhoon. She trows herself of the boat, so that they have to work together to save her. Emma is an idiot.

I think that the mermaid was really a magical angel, sent to our heroes to teach them the value of friendship and teamwork.

*SPOILERS* I already know from previews that Ariel is going to show up this season and this isn’t here. I wonder if this is actually Ursula? She can use a bit of magic like Ursula at least.

a screencap of robin hood (played by sean maguire)
THIS ROBIN HOOD IS AN IMPOSTER

Back to the Enchanted Forest. Remember all the junk last season about nothing being left of the Enchanted Forest after the curse but a void? Complete bunk! Even Rumpelstiltskin’s castle is still there! So, Neal goes to his father’s castle to try and find a magic trinket or dealy that would open up a portal to return to Emma.

Robin Hood, played by a new actor, is there, because he likes touching other people’s stuff. Maid Marion is nowhere to be found.

I hope we have a situation where it’s The Merry Men VS The Lost Boys. I hope there isn’t anything, like, through weird time travel shenanigans, that The Lost Boys become The Merry Men. That would be silly.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) and peter pan (played by robbie kay) flying through the air trailing pixie dust
THUNDERPANTS!

So, blondy has some magic fairy dust, but it only works if you truly believe it will work. Henry will believe anything that you tell hi, so of course Henry can use the dust to fly.

It turns out that the blond kid is Peter Pan and he was being all tricksy and stuff with Henry to test his belief. It turn out that Henry has “The Heart of the Truest Believer”. What does The Heart of the Truest Believer do? I bet that we’ll have to wait many, many episodes to find out. Also, how did Peter Pan find out about Henry and the he may have The Heart of the Truest Believer? There better not be a prophecy involved here. (There probably is.)

Also, it turns out that Peter Pan was the one giving Greg and Tamara their orders this whole time, in order to trick them into bringing Henry to him. But how? Neither he or his lost boys could contact them directly because they hate magic. Also, Peter Pan would have had to have a way to contact people on other worlds. If he could do that, why didn’t he just contact Henry directly, trick him into coming to Neverland and cut out the middleman? Greg and Tamara are so fanatical about their hate for magic, what if they just decided to deviate from Pan’s plan and kill all the magical creatures, Henry included? How did Peter Pan know that the citizen of Storybrooke were growing magic beans and that Greg and Tamara would be able to obtain one of the beans to get to Neverland? We see that he can send his shadow to Earth to steal child. Why didn’t he just have the shadow steal Henry? None of it makes any sense.

Bah. Whatever. See you next week.

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