Recap: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland S01E03 “Forget Me Not”

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YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY, THIS POST IS FULL OF SPOILERS!

This episode is all about how important it is to let go o the past and move forward, unless, you’re Alice, in which case you never let go of your past love and you talk about how wonderful and perfect it was all the time to make your lovelorn best friend, the Knave of Hearts, feel terrible.

a screencap of robin hood (played by sean maguire) and will scarlet (played by michael socha)
Everybody is connected to everybody!

So, it turns out that the Knave of Hearts was originally Will Scarlet, one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men, because EVERYBODY MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS! Well… He was one of the Merry Men for about two days, just enough time for them to help him break into Maleficent’s castle so that he could steal a magic looking glass. Maleficent’s castle didn’t have any guards and seemed pretty deserted, but he need them anyhow.

I was pretty bummed that it seemed like Kristin Bauer van Straten literally phoned in her performance in this episode, because all we get of her is her voice. If they couldn’t actually get Kristin to show up for this episode, then why did it even have to be Maleficent’s castle at all, they could have used a new witch. Hopefully, they’re just reminding us that Maleficent exist because she has a bigger role in an upcoming episode.

I dislike that the are relying so heavily on characters from their parent show, Once Upon a Time, I would like for Once Upon a Time in Wonderland to stand more on its own.

a screencap of the caterpillar (voiced by iggy pop)
Who are you?

In the present, the Knave of Heart and Alice are still searching for the genies bottle. They need to know who stole it, if they are find it, but there weren’t any clues left behind. If only they could look into the past! Well, they can! Yay! All they need is the Forget-Me-Knot, a magical rope that lets you see the last thing that happened at any spot. So, it should just show them themselves looking into the empty hole and looking disappointed since that is the last thing that happened there, or, you know, a butterfly that flew near the hole or any number of random things that could have happened near the hole subsequently, but, whatever, stop questioning to overly convenient magical dealies, Laurel.

Alice and the Knave travel to Underland, which is like Wonderland, only underground and rife with hashish abuse, to get the Forget-Me-Knot from the evil Caterpillar. Well, it turns out that he doesn’t have it. He wants it, though, and he’s willing to consider the Knave’s debts to him erased, if they let him have the Forget-Me-Knot, after they are done using it.

a creencap of a screaming severed head (played by bob phipps)
Aaaaaaaaah!

If they fail to retrieve the Forget-Me-Knot for the Caterpillar, however, then it’s off with the Knave’s head.

Why is everyone in Wonderland so obsessed with taking other people’s heads? Are they like Princess Langwidere from Ozma of Oz and they put different heads on their shoulders like fashion accessories?

a screencap of grendel (played by steve bacic)
Woof.

The Forget-Me-Knot is at Grendel’s house. Is it the “Grendel” from the Old English poem, Beowulf? Um, I sure hope not? Although, if he is, that means that his brother is a dragon and that might be fun.

Meanwhile, Jafar and the Red Queen take time out of their busy day of looking fabulous and flirting to send a monster after Alice, so that she’ll be forced to use one of her wishes. One of the monsters they consider using is the Sarlacc from Return of the Jedi. They need to stop dropping shout-outs like that and straight up have a Jedi on, otherwise I’m going to explode. Anyhoo, they decide instead on the Frumious Bandersnatch, which is an actual thing from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and not some other unrelated story, so they get extra points from me for doing that.

a screencap of a younger grendel (played by steve bacic) and his wife (played by catherine michaud)
What a cute couple. It would be a shame if something happened to them.

Grendel had been using the Forget-Me-Knot to stare at his lost wife all day, because everybody’s backstory has to have something about true love in it. The Knave of Hearts uses his pain from loosing his love, Anastasia, to empathize with Grendel and get him on their side, so that after they defeat the Bandersnatch he decides to give them the Forget-Me-Knot.

And then Alice and the Knave of Hearts use the Forget-Me-Knot to find out that the White Rabbit is a turncoat for the Red Queen and that it was he that dug up the genie’s bottle. They should have been able to guess that, though. I mean, really, burrowing into the ground is kind of the White Rabbit’s thing.

screencap of will scarlet (played by micael socha) and his love, anastasia (played by emma rigby)
What a cute couple. It would be a shame if something happened to them.

So, long story short, it turns out that the Red Queen was Anastasia in the past, because EVERYBODY MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS. She and Will Scarlet used the looking glass he stole to get to Wonderland. Sometime between then and now they had a falling out and she took over Wonderland and became the Red Queen. I wonder if they were able to get Barbara Hershey to play the Queen of Hearts in a future episode? I want to see Will Scarlet become the Queen of Heart’s Knave and then see how he reacts when it turns out he choose the wrong side and his old love, Anastasia, defeats the Queen.

One other thing: when are we going to find out who the guy who is sharing the dungeon with Cyrus is? He can’t just be some random prisoner. Everybody on this show has to be some fairy tale character.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E03 “Quite a Common Fairy”

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SPOILER ALERT! I’M HIGH ON ENERGY DRINKS! SPOILER ALERT!

In this episode, we learn the power of using toddlers as bait.

a screencap of robin hood (play be sean maguire) holding his son, roland (played by raphael alejandro)
Wholesome!

In the enchanted forest, Neal meets Robin Hood’s little son, Roland and hatches a plan to get to Neverland. It turns out that all you have to do is have a child say, “I believe” by a window and Peter Pan’s Shadow will come to take them away. Neal grabs the Shadow’s foot and away he goes to Neverland.

Incidentally, when discussing options to open portals to Neverland, Neal mentions ruby slippers, like the kind Dorothy had in MGM‘s version of The Wizard of Oz. It’s important to not tha tin the original L. Frank Baum story, that the shoes were actually silver, and that’s what they’d probably have to go with is they told any of The Wizard of Oz story because of rights issues.

a screencap of felix (played by parker croft) with an apple on his head
Miss the apple on purpose! SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE!

In the camp of the Lost Boys, Peter Pan crows like a rooster to wake Henry up. Well, he tried to crow like a rooster. I don’t think that it sounded anything like a rooster. It was more like some sort of weird cough.

Anyway, Peter Pan wants to turn our little Henry into a little bastard, so he orders Henry to try and shoot an apple off of Felix’s head with a poison arrow. You know, because just accidentally shooting Felix in the face wouldn’t enough. He’d have to accidentally poison Felix in the face as well. Well, Henry just turned right around and shot the arrow at Peter Pan, who used his mad ninja skills to catch it in midair.

Henry, a young child, tried to murder another child in cold blood. Looks like Henry is taking after Regina.

a screencap of tinke bell (played by rose mciver) flying surrounded by green pixie dust
I don’t believe in fairies!

Meanwhile, the bickering alliance of Heroes and Villains is having trouble finding Peter Pan’s camp, so they decide try and find Tinker Bell, because she might have magic pixie dust, which is, like, way better than fairy dust.

Yes, in this universe, pixie dust and fairy dust are two different things, but they’re both made by the fairies. That’s not confusing at all.

Regina doesn’t like the idea of finding Tinker Bell, though. She and Tinker Bell have a past.

a screencap of regina's mysterious soulmate
WHO COULD THIS BE!?

It turns out that in the past, Tinker Bell put her ass on the line to steal some pixie dust from the Blue Fairy that could be used to find Regina a new soul mate. Unfortunately, after the pixie dust was used, Regina was too afraid to go after her new true love, a man with a lion tattoo, and the Blue Fairy stripped Tinker Bell of her wings for stealing the dust. Tinker Bell is quite rightly miffed that her sacrifice was for nothing.

I really don’t like the way that the Blue Fairy behaves in this episode. These events take place before Regina becomes the Evil Queen and yet the Blue Fairy refuses to give the pixie dust to her because her mother, Cora, was evil. How good is a fairy, if her heart is full of prejudice?

I hope there’s an upcoming episode where everyone claps and Tinker Bell regains her wings. Also, since Tinker Bell doesn’t have magic anymore, it couldn’t have been her that was messing with Rumpelstiltskin with his old doll, so who was it? Curious.

a screencap of the lion tatton on robin hood's arm
I assure you, this is Robin Hood’s arm.

In this episode, we almost find out f it’s Aurora or Philip that Mulan is in love with. Presumably, it’s Aurora, because that was who she was about to confess too, but, unfortunately, before Mulan can say anything, Aurora tells her that she’s pregnant with Philip’s baby. Mulan decides to do the honourable thing and keep her mouth shut and also run away with Robin Hood’s band of Merry Men, as one does when their heart is broken.

Anyway, big surprise! It’s Robin Hood that has the lion tattoo and is, therefore, Regina’s soulmate. I find it interesting that it’s a lion. Does this mean that Robin Hood is secretly King Richard the Lionheart?

All that Regina knows about her soulmate is that he has a lion tattoo. Want to bet that some evildoer gets a lion tattoo to trick her?

a screencap of tinker bell's underwear (played by rose mciver's stunt butt?)
I see London! I see France!

Well, that’s all for this week. Here, have a picture of Tinker Bell’s underpants.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E01 “The Heart of the Truest Believer”

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SPOILER ALERT! AREN’T THESE SPOILERS ALERTS GETTING ANNOYING!? SPOILER ALERT!

Well, kiddies, here we go again for a third season…

I’d say this episode was mostly exposition, if the word “exposition” meant explaining things in the vaguest way possible, presumably, so that they can stretch out the revelation of important plot points over as many episodes as possible. The ole soap opera style long con, is what we’ve got on our hands here.

a screencap of a doctor holding newborn henry mills
Now, be a good Spartan and leave him to die of exposure in the wilderness.

A the beginning of the show, we get a flashback to Emma giving birth to Henry and then giving him up. During the birth, her magic cause an electrical disturbance and makes the lights flash, and nobody notices or cares. Don’t ever send me to that hospital. They don’t care if a power surge knock the life-sustaining equipment out.

Emma finally calls attention to the fact that her mother, Mary Margaret,  is the same age as her and doesn’t really have that much wisdom to impart. Also, that her whole “Happily Ever After” shtick is useless and annoying.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) wearing his old enchanted forest clothes
The clothes make the man.

Rumpelstiltskin changes into his old Enchanted Forest clothes. Where did Rumpelstiltskin get his old clothes from? Were they on the boat? Why did Captain Hook have Rumpelstiltskin’s clothing on his boat? I bet Captain Hook kept the Rumpelstiltskin’s clothes in his bunk and sniffed them during his alone time. Or… Rumpelstiltskin just magiced the clothing to the boat… Whatever.

Anyway, everybody on the boat is bickering and not working well together already and it’s a bit annoying how quickly the alliance of good and evil has started breaking down.

Soooo… Captain Hook was Baelfire surrogate father for awhile and now he’s crushing on Emma, Baelfire’s girlfriend. This is going to get awkward fast.

a screencap of greg mendell (played by ethan embry) starting a fire while tamara (played by sonequa martin-green) and henry (played by jared s. gilmore) look on
Marshmallows anyone?

Greg and Tamara take Henry on a sweet camping trip, the kind his mom and dad never had the time for.

It turns out that Greg and Tamara don’t know who they’re working for and they don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing what they’re doing. They just know that they needed to kidnap Henry and bring him to Neverland and then, like, magic, which they HATE, will… er… stop or something. They know this because of FAITH. WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY ELSE HAVE FAITH LIKE THEY DO?

Greg and Tamara are big fat dummies.

a screen cap of lost boy felix (played by paker croft)
This is Felix. I hate Felix.

Hey, it’s Felix and the Lost Boys, here to ruin everybody’s good time. They want Henry.

a screencap of greg mendell (played by ethan emby) having his shadow removed by the evil shadow peter pan
YOUR SOUL IS MINE!

Felix calls the scary Neverland shadow creature to pull Greg’s soul out of his body. Greg looks like he’s dead. I hope he is. He was annoying.

I’m not sure anymore whether or not the scary flying shadow is Peter Pan. It may be a completely separate character. Remember, in the original Peter Pan, Peter’s shadow kept running off, until Wendy sewed the shadow to Peter Pan. I think something like that may be happening here. Peter not being in control of his malevolent, soul-stealing shadow is a little scary.

a screencap of tamara (played by sonequa martin-green) getting hit in the back by an arrow
YAY!

And, Tamara get’s shot in the back with and arrow and there is much rejoicing. She doesn’t die though. Rumpelstiltskin comes by later and crushes her heart into dust, so that was good.

Free of Greg and Tamara, Henry runs into the woods to escape The Lost Boys.

a screencap of henry mills (played by jared s. gilmore) meeting a blond boy (played by robbie kay)
Just what we needed, another KID!

So, Jojen Reed finally meets Bran Stark in the forest and explains how their fathers were great allies during Robert’s Rebellion. Er… I mean… Some blond kid saves Henry from the mean upperclassmen that were chasing him.

a screencap of mulan (played by jamie chung), aurora (played by sarah bolger) and prince philip (played by julia morris) rushing to the side of baelfire (played by michael raymond-james)
Remember these guys?

Mulan, Aura and Prince Philip treat Neal’s wounds and, for some strange reason, put him on Aurora’s sleeping curse bed. Why would they do that? It’s just weird. Put the poor guy on a proper bed, jeez.

Hey, Prince Philip’s soul is back in his body! They never showed us how Prince Philip’s soul was returned to his body. I SMELL A FLASHBACK EPISODE COMING UP!

They keep asking Neal about Earth and technology and stuff, and being all like “Your world frightens and confuses me”. Weird that they didn’t really do that when they were hanging out with Emma.

Anyhoo, I predict many, many episodes of wandering around the forest and not really doing much for these brave adventurers.

a screencap of some evil mermaids
SPARKLY!

So, back to the boat, which is taking forever to reach the shores of Neverland, and evil mermaids start hitting the boat with their tails. Apparently, they’re really strong, because they actually start causing damage.

David straight-up starts firing a canon at the mermaids and it is ridiculous. He’s trying to murder sentient creatures without talking to them first. Maybe attacking the boat was all a big misunderstanding! We’ll never know, because attempting to explode them was his first choice of action.

a screencap of an evil mermaid (played by natasha wilson)
Grrrrrrrr…

They capture one of the mermaids for some reason and she is pissed. She uses a magic conch shell to conjure a  typhoon. I think Link from The Legend of Zelda had one of those.

Regina tells David to “Flay the bitch!”

FLAY THE BITCH? Holy Hell! I thought this was a family program!

Anyway, it turns out that the typhoon is fuelled by interpersonal discord and it just gets worse and worse as the people on the boat keep bickering and punching eachother in the face. Emma figures out that they need to start working together to stop the typhoon. She trows herself of the boat, so that they have to work together to save her. Emma is an idiot.

I think that the mermaid was really a magical angel, sent to our heroes to teach them the value of friendship and teamwork.

*SPOILERS* I already know from previews that Ariel is going to show up this season and this isn’t here. I wonder if this is actually Ursula? She can use a bit of magic like Ursula at least.

a screencap of robin hood (played by sean maguire)
THIS ROBIN HOOD IS AN IMPOSTER

Back to the Enchanted Forest. Remember all the junk last season about nothing being left of the Enchanted Forest after the curse but a void? Complete bunk! Even Rumpelstiltskin’s castle is still there! So, Neal goes to his father’s castle to try and find a magic trinket or dealy that would open up a portal to return to Emma.

Robin Hood, played by a new actor, is there, because he likes touching other people’s stuff. Maid Marion is nowhere to be found.

I hope we have a situation where it’s The Merry Men VS The Lost Boys. I hope there isn’t anything, like, through weird time travel shenanigans, that The Lost Boys become The Merry Men. That would be silly.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) and peter pan (played by robbie kay) flying through the air trailing pixie dust
THUNDERPANTS!

So, blondy has some magic fairy dust, but it only works if you truly believe it will work. Henry will believe anything that you tell hi, so of course Henry can use the dust to fly.

It turns out that the blond kid is Peter Pan and he was being all tricksy and stuff with Henry to test his belief. It turn out that Henry has “The Heart of the Truest Believer”. What does The Heart of the Truest Believer do? I bet that we’ll have to wait many, many episodes to find out. Also, how did Peter Pan find out about Henry and the he may have The Heart of the Truest Believer? There better not be a prophecy involved here. (There probably is.)

Also, it turns out that Peter Pan was the one giving Greg and Tamara their orders this whole time, in order to trick them into bringing Henry to him. But how? Neither he or his lost boys could contact them directly because they hate magic. Also, Peter Pan would have had to have a way to contact people on other worlds. If he could do that, why didn’t he just contact Henry directly, trick him into coming to Neverland and cut out the middleman? Greg and Tamara are so fanatical about their hate for magic, what if they just decided to deviate from Pan’s plan and kill all the magical creatures, Henry included? How did Peter Pan know that the citizen of Storybrooke were growing magic beans and that Greg and Tamara would be able to obtain one of the beans to get to Neverland? We see that he can send his shadow to Earth to steal child. Why didn’t he just have the shadow steal Henry? None of it makes any sense.

Bah. Whatever. See you next week.

Once Upon a Time Season 2 Catch Up

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SPOILER ALERT! Well, you really should know all of this by now, but I’m warning you anyway.

Well, it’s almost time for season 3 of Once Upon a Time. Now would be a really good time for you to catch up on any episodes you missed from season 2. Luckily I have made you with handy list with be plot points!

All episode titles link to posts that I wrote about that episode and character names link to the tag archive for that character.

Table of Contents:

  1. Broken
  2. We Are Both
  3. Lady of the Lake
  4. The Crocodile
  5. The Doctor
  6. Tallahassee
  7. Child of the Moon
  8. Into the Deep
  9. Queen of Hearts
  10. The Cricket Game
  11. The Outsider
  12. In the Name of the Brother
  13. Tiny
  14. Manhattan
  15. The Queen is Dead
  16. The Miller’s Daughter
  17. Welcome to Storybrooke
  18. Selfless, Brave and True
  19. Lacey
  20. The Evil Queen
  21. Second Star to the Right
  22. And Straight On ‘Til Morning

S02E01 Broken

S02E02 We Are Both

  • The people of Storybrooke, having newly regained the memories of their past lives, must come to grips with essentially being two people at once.
  • Grumpy pushes Sneezy across the townline which makes Sneezy lose his fairy tale memories, leaving him with just his memories of being Mr. Clark.
  • David searches for a way to open a portal to the Enchanted Forest to retrieve Emma and Snow White.
  • In the past, Regina uses a magic looking glass that Rumpelstiltskin gave her to trap her mother, Cora, in Wonderland.
  • It is revealed that Rumpelstiltskin is the one that originally taught Regina how to use magic, specifically, dark magic.
  • Regina rediscovers how to use magic in Storybrooke, but changes her mind on using it to make Henry love her, because it would not be a real love.
  • Meanwhile, in the present-day Enchanted Forest, Mulan and Aurora have taken Emma and Snow White prisoner.

S02E03 Lady of the Lake

  • Sir Lancelot is introduced.
  • In the past Enchanted Forest, Snow White is kidnapped by King George who poisons her so that she cannot have a child.
  • King George’s men also shoot Prince Charming’s mother with a poison arrow.
  • Snow White, Lancelot, Prince Charming and his mother all travel Lake Nostos for a cure, but there is only enough water left there to heal one person.
  • Prince Charming’s mother pretends to drink the healing water and Lancelot secretly puts the healing water in Snow White’s goblet.
  • Prince Charming’s mother sacrifices her life to cure Snow White and lives just long enough to see Snow White and Prince Charming get married, which was her dearest wish.
  • In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Snow White and Emma are trapped in a prison with Cora.
  • Lancelot, having recognized Snow White from their past dealing frees them from the prison and they go off in search of the wardrobe that brought Emma to our world.
  • They find the wardrobe, but it turns out that Lancelot was really Cora in disguise and they have to destroy the wardrobe to keep her from getting her hands on it.
  • In Storybrooke, Jefferson is reunited with his daughter and David has trouble dealing with his new job of taking care of Henry.

S02E04 The Crocodile

  • This is the first appearance of Captain Hook, Smee and Rumpelstiltskin’s wife, Milah.
  • In the past Enchanted Forest, Milah ran off with the pirate, Killian Jones, and Rumpelstiltskin crushed Milah’s heart and cut off Killian’s hand in retaliation, making Killian into Captain Hook and Rumpelstiltskin into the crocodile (metaphorically?).
  • In Storybrooke, Moe attempts to get his daughter, Belle, over the townline to erase her memories of her love for Rumpelstiltskin, but Rumpelstiltskin saves her at the last second.
  • In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Cora shows a bottle of the ashes from the wardrobe to Captain Hook and they start hatching a plan to get to Storybrooke.

S02E05 The Doctor

S02E06 Tallahassee

  • This is the first appearance of Anton the giant.
  • In the past, Emma is a thief and she falls in love with a fellow thief named “Neal Cassidy“.
  • August Booth meets alone with Neal and convinces him that Emma, in order to fulfill her special destiny, must be rehabilitated from her life of crime and he convinces Neal to rat Emma out for a crime that she didn’t commit so that she will be thrown in jail, because jail will straighten her out or something.
  • Emma finds out that she is pregnant in jail.
  • In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Emma climbs the the beanstalk, retrieves the magic compass, decides to spare the giant’s life and leaves Captain Hook chained up in the giant’s castle.
  • Aurora has been having nightmares ever since she was woken from the sleeping curse.
  • Henry is also having nightmares after coming out of his sleeping curse

S02E07 Child of the Moon

  • In the past Enchanted Forest, while on the run from the Evil Queen, Red gets split up from Snow White and runs into her mother who Granny said was dead.
  • Red’s mother and her wolf pack teach Red how to control her wolf form.
  • Snow White finds Red, but accidentally leads some of the Evil Queen’s men to the wolves’ lair and they kill one of the pack.
  • Red’s mother believes the death is Snow White’s fault and wants Red to kill her. Red and her mother fight instead and the mother is accidentally killed in the process.
  • In Storybrooke, the dwarves have found fairy dust and they think that it can be used to fix Jefferson’s hat.
  • Albert Spencer frames Ruby for the murder of Billy and uses the the resultant distraction to steal Jefferson’s hat and destroy it.
  • Aurora and Henry meet in their nightmares.

S02E08 Into the Deep

  • In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Cora raises an undead army of the people that she stole hearts from.
  • Henry meets with Aurora in the nightmare zone.
  • David ends up trapped in the sleeping curse.

S02E09 Queen of Hearts

S02E10 The Cricket Game

S02E11 The Outsider

S02E12 In the Name of the Brother

S02E13 Tiny

S02E14 Manhattan

S02E15 The Queen is Dead

S02E16 The Miller’s Daughter

S02E17 Welcome to Storybrooke

S02E18 Selfless, Brave and True

S02E19 Lacey

S02E20 The Evil Queen

  • In the past Enchanted Forest, Regina disguises herself as a peasant so that she can find out what people really think about her.
  • In the present Storybrooke, Regina ventures into the catacombs with Hook to retrieve a trigger that will annihilate Storybrooke. Regina plans to escape the annihilation with Henry by using a magic bean she stole.
  • Hook betrays Regina and gives her to Greg and Tamara.
  • Greg and Tamara kidnap Regina, because Greg wants to know what Regina did with his father, Kurt Flynn.

S02E21 Second Star to the Right

  • After falling through the portal that his father, Rumpelstilskin, refused to travel through, Baelfire is transported to 19th century England, where he is taken in by Wendy Darling and her family.
  • The Darling children are visited every night by a malevolent shadow creature. Baelfire allows himself to be taken by this creature to Neverland so that the Darling children would be spared by it.
  • Neal finds out that Tamara is evil and plotting Storybrooke’s destruction.
  • Tamara shoots Neal  and he falls into a portal she created with magic bean.
  • Regina had killed Greg’s Father, Kurt.

S02E22 And Straight On ‘Til Morning

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S02E19 “Lacey”

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SPOILER CITY! SPOILER CITY! SPOILER CITY!

This episode is about -THERE’S GOOD INSIDE OF YOU, I CAN FEEL IT! THERE’S GOOD INSIDE OF EVERYONE! YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE GOOD INSIDE OF EVERYONE!

a screencap of the fairy wands in Mr. Gold's pawn shop
Oh, that’s where those went!

Remember how in the last episode how Mother Superior had her wand back mysteriously? Well, obviously, she took it back from Mr. Gold’s store when he wasn’t looking, so shut up.

Didn’t he have a magical force field that would’ve prevented that kind of thing? No. Shut up.

Seriously, though, why are they letting Mr. Gold sit on this giant arsenal of dangerous, magical trinkets? If I were Emma, I would have confiscated it all by now. Isn’t she still the sheriff? Or, like, David was the sheriff now, or something? I don’t know…

a screencap of mr. gold (played by robert carlyle) destroying a porcelain henry (played by jared s. gilmore)
WHY WASN’T THIS FOR REAL!?

They show us a wonderful sequence where Mr. Gold turns Henry into a porcelain figurine and smashes him into powder, but it turns out that it was just a wonderful, wonderful dream. Dang it! Why won’t the annoying kid die for real?

I also noticed that there is a canoe hanging in Mr. Gold’s shop. Mr. Gold killed Pocahontas and stole her canoe because it is made out of magical wood. This is my theory.

a screencap of robin hood (played by tom ellis) stealing a magic wand from rumpelstiltskin
BECAUSE THIS SHOW NEEDED MORE CHARACTERS!

This episode introduces Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham. The show needed more characters, so they added more characters. There was no way around it.

Anyhoo, in the past Enchanted Forest, Robin Hood steals a wand from Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin needs to kill Robin Hood now, because he has to maintain his evil persona or else people won’t be scared of him anymore. Belle doesn’t think that Rumpelstiltskin will kill Robin Hood, because Rumpelstiltskin still has some goods inside. Rumpelstiltskin doesn’t kill Robin Hood. The End.

Also, Rumpelstiltskin gives Belle a library, you know, just cause.

This episode is supposed to expand on why Belle fell in love with Rumpelstiltskin, but it ends up just making the audience hating them both a little bit, because they are both just so annoying.

Belle: “THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! GRAAAAAAHHHH!”

Rumpelstiltskin: “LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! GRAAAAAAHHHH!”

How does Robin Hood even fit in on this show? I mean, Robin Hood may be a fictional person, but other characters from his story, like Richard the Lionheart or the Sheriff of Nottingham, are real-life historical figures. Also, The Crusades, which are an important part of the Robin Hood story, are not very child-friendly or fairytale-like at all.

a screencap of a field of magic bean plants
Field of Beans; Field of Dreams

Mary Margaret and David take Emma to see the bean patch. The beans might be mature enough to make a portal to the Enchanted Forest soon. Emma has to choose if she wants to go with them. Choices are hard.

Why did they plant an entire field of beans? You only need one bean to make a portal! There  must be thousands of beans in that field. That’s thousands of beans that could fall into the wrong hands.

Aaannnnddd, Regina ends up finding the bean patch and stealing some beans. Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) standing next to the rabbit hole sign
Alright, I’ll bite, which one of the rabbit’s holes is it?

Mr. Gold goes looking for Belle, and he finds her in The Rabbit Hole, the world’s tamest sleazy bar.

Seriously, The Rabbit Hole is well-lit and clean. The patrons are well-dressed and nice. There’s even a nice, homey fireplace. There’s nothing about the place that is actually sleazy, but the audience is supposed to believe that it’s a “vile place” anyway.

a screencap of lacey (played by emilie de ravin) playing billiards
Trouble with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for POOL!

But, wait, oh no! Belle isn’t Belle anymore! She’s playing pool, the most evil sport there is, and you can see her bra, the most evil article of clothing there is. She’s evil. EVIL!

Belle is Lacey now and Lacey like two things: getting frisky and getting drunk.

Seriously, Lacey is an alcoholic. Every time we see her, she is drinking. It’s to the audience that she is a bit of a bad person.

Hey, shouldn’t Lacey be traumatized from 28 years in the hospital’s basement? No. Shut up. She doesn’t even remember any of that.

Anyhoo, Mr. Gold needs to get Lacey to fall in love with him, so he can give her True Love’s Kiss™ and have Belle’s memories to her. The only problem is that Mr. Gold is reformed now, so that his son will like him again and Lacey doesn’t like Nice Guys™.

a screencap of mr. clark (played by gabe khouth) with a beer
Hey, remember Sneezy? He doesn’t!

Hey, everyone, chill out! The writers totally remember that Sneezy lost his memory too and they included a shot of Mr. Clark to prove it. I think he’s better and more hygienic as Mr. Clark though. Maybe they shouldn’t give him his memories back.

a screencap of the sheriff of nottingham (played by wil traval) on a horse
This guy has evil hair.

Well, I hope that none of you became too attached to the Sheriff of Nottingham. It looks like he’s among the many characters that are introduced and then killed-off in the same episode.

Mr. Gold goes on a date with Lacey, but he acts too sweet and kind and lame, so she ditches him and goes to the alleyway to make-out with the Sheriff of Nottingham’s Storybrooke alterego, Keith. Mr. Gold catches them and it causes him to have a sadness. Lacey is just too different from Belle.

Later, Keith meets up with Mr. Gold to apologize. Mr. Gold is in a really foul mood though, so he starts to beat the crud out of Keith with his cane. Lacey catches him and tells him not to stop because she like it. Lacey is turned-on by violence. Lacey likes Bad Boys ™.

Keith is probably dead now.

If the fandom doesn’t start calling the Rumpelstiltskin/Lacey pairing “Racey”, I’m going to be very upset.

a screencap of captain hook (played by colin o'donoghue) tied up and gagged
“The Package”

In this episode, Tamara and Greg refer mysteriously to “the package” without revealing what “the package” is. You know, because when people are all alone and they aren’t worried that someone is listening in, they’ll still speak in code because it is fun. Jeeze, can’t people just have some fun once in a while. Gah.

Well, at the end of the episode it’s revealed that “the package” is actually Captain Hook, because the writers needed to find a way to get him from New York to Maine and the answer was inside Greg Mendell’s trailer.

Captain Hook’s new nickname is now “The Package”. (Because “package” is a euphemism for penis and Captain Hook has a penis.)