My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E07 “Dark Hollow”

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SPOILER ALERT! IRONIC EYEWEAR CONTAINED HEREIN!

In tonight’s episode, Belle protects Storybrooke from two misguided hipsters.

a screencap of the words "five days ago"
Five days ago

Really? Everyone has only been on Neverland for five days? It seems like they’ve been wandering around in the wilderness for an eternity…

a screencap of belle (played by emilie de ravin) talking to dr hopper (played by raphael sbarge), mother superior (played by keegan connor tracy), leroy (played by lee arenberg)
Hey, remember these guys?

So, we’re back to Storybrooke and a bunch of the side characters – the ones whose actors that haven’t yet moved on to other shows-  show up to remind us that they still exist and to help Belle cast the cloaking spell that Rumpelstiltskin left her around Storybrooke.

a screencap of john darling (played by matt kane) and michael darling (played by james immekus)
They only buy albums on vinyl.

However, they don’t cast the cloaking spell in time and a pair of nefarious hipsters affiliated with Peter Pan manage to sneak in. What are they up to with their thick-rimmed glasses and their scarves?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) in a magic message to belle
Help me, Belle Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

Ariel shows up with Rumpelstiltskin’s message to Belle. He tells Belle that she can find a special magical object in his store with the power of their love.

That should be easy. All Belle ever talks about is Rumpelstiltskin and their wonderful love and how magical it is. She really doesn’t seem to have a life outside of her relationship with Rumpelstiltskin at all.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) entranced by a thingamabob or corkscrew
A thingamabob! Ariel just needs 19 more and her collection will be complete!

Ariel continues to be fascinated by the world of Man, so she’s too busy being entranced by random object in Rumpelstiltskin’s shop to help Belle find the magical trinket. At least she seems to have gotten over her kleptomania.

a screencap of belle (played by emilie de ravin) holding up chip
Poor chip has been separated from his mom for so long…

It turns out that Rumpelstiltskin and Belle’s love is represented by the cup that Belle chipped oh so many years ago.

I’m still waiting for this stupid cup to come to life and blame Belle for maiming him.

a screencap of belle (played by emilie de ravin) hold pandora's box
WHAT’S IN THE BOX!?

It turns out that the hidden magical object is Pandora’s Box. Belle says that in contains great evil inside, but, if I recall correctly, Pandora already let all the evil out of the box and the only thing left inside was Hope.

I always wonder why Pandora left Hope inside the box. You’d figure that it should be let out in order to combat all the evil.

Hey, this, along with Pegasus, is the second reference this season to an ancient Greek legend. Does this mean that Hercules is going to show up soon? I bet someone calls him “Jerkules”.

a screencap of john darling (played by matt kane) and michael darling (played by james immekus) pointing guns
My worst nightmare: hipsters with guns

Oh no! The hipsters arrive just as Belle finds Pandora’s Box and they point their guns at Belle and Ariel all ironic-like.

The hipsters aren’t really bad guys, though. They’re really John and Michael Darling. Peter Pan has kidnapped their sister, Wendy, and has holding her hostage for a hundred years. They have to get Pandora’s Box or Pan will kill her.

Eventually, Belle explains to the Darling brothers that giving Pandora’s Box to Rumpelstiltskin will allow Rumps to stop Pan, so they let Ariel have the box back and everybody is friends now.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) untying herself and belle (played by emilie de ravin)
The scene that launched a thousand Rule 34 drawings

A pair of beautiful gals in short skirts and tied up? The internet is going to have a field day with this.

a screencap of david (played by josh dallas) trying to explain himself to an angry snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin)
She’s had enough of your crap, Charming.

Meanwhile, in Neverland, Snow White is seriously peeved-off with Charming or lying to her. As it turns out, Snow would gladly stay on Neverland with Charming because he’s all she really needs.

What about Emma? Shouldn’t Snow be upset that staying on Neverland probably means being separated from her daughter? Is she really just giving up on Emma and starting over with a new baby, like Emma never happened in the first place? That won’t be good for Emma’s feelings of abandonment.

a screencap of wendy darling (played by freya tingley) in a cage
100 years old and she hasn’t aged a bit!

Wendy and her brothers tried to rescue Baelfire from Neverland many years ago, but they failed and Wendy was thrown into a cage for 100 years.

It’s going to be one weird family reunion when the Darlings and Neal are together again. Everyone is the wrong age now. Then again, Neal was in a cage right next to Wendy’s for a little bit. I wonder if they’ve spoken to each other already? If Wendy came to Neverland so many years ago to save Neal, why did he leave without her? Did he not know she was there?

Anyway, Pan forces Wendy to use her mad acting skills to convince Henry that magic is leaving Neverland and that it’s causing the island and its inhabitants to die. Henry must use his “heart of the truest believer” to bring the magic back to Neverland.

Peter Pan is still being really vague about what his true intentions with Henry are. Pan says that what he really needs is for Henry to believe in him. We aren’t given the slightest hint at why Pan wants this or what it will do. I’m getting tired of all the vagueness. Not everything has to be some big mystery that spans several episodes. Sometimes is fun when people plainly state what their intentions are.

a screencap of captain hook (played by colin o'donoghue) and neal (played by michael raymond-james) and a coconut
Just give up on her, you two.

Neal had used Pan’s Shadow to escape Neverland the first time. It turns out that the coconut starmap doubles as a Shadow trap, because they didn’t feel like building another prop. Wait, if the coconut was the starmap and shadow trap that Neal used to escape Neverland, what was it still doing in Neverland? Wouldn’t it have had to have come with Neal to New York?

So, Neal, Captain Hook and Emma journey to the lair of the Shadows AKA Dark Hollow. It is a very dangerous place, but Neal and Hook waste time fighting eachother for the love of Emma, because apparently Neverland is just like high school and hormones always take precedent over the task at hand.

Emma refuses to choose between the two of them, because, really, they’re supposed to be saving Henry. I bet in the end she meets a third person to fall in love with and breaks both of these guy’s poor hearts.

Emma uses magic to trapped Peter Pan’s Shadow. I felt that Neal should have seemed more upset by that. Magic ruined his relationship with his father, after all.

Oh, and what happened to Rumpestiltskin’s Shadow, anyway? Couldn’t they have just used that Shadow?

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) looking out on skull rock
Skull Island? I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island!

Next week, Henry has to travel to the mysterious Skull Rock and believe really hard for mysterious reasons. MYSTERIES!

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E06 “Ariel”

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SPOILER ALERT! THIS EPISODE CONTAINS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CGI!

This week on Once Upon a Time, Snow White goes to the prom with a freaky fish lady.

a screencap of snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) and the mermaid ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) hanging out on some rocks
Surf & Turf

So, Snow White jumps into the sea to escape Regina’s men and then Ariel the mermaid saves her from drowning. They become fast friends.

It turns out that Ariel fell in love at first sight with the human Prince Eric, but she’s afraid that they can never be together on account of the whole being a mermaid that must live in water thing.

Why is it that every female character on this has to have a backstory that’s all about true love and trying to have a “happily ever after”? Are they not allowed to deviate from the Disney movie formula?

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin)
Legs prominently featured

In this universe Ursula is a goddess, instead of a witch, and once a year at the highest possible tide, she grants mermaids the ability to transform their fins into legs. It just so happens that the highest tide coincides with Prince Eric’s Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, so Ariel takes this opportunity to go to the dance and meet with Eric.

a screecap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and prince eric (played by gill mckinney)
Is that Princess Jasmine on the right?

It turns out that Eric is madly in love with Ariel as well. Eric is leaving the next day to explore the world and he invites Ariel to join him, but, OH NO! Ariel’s legs with have reverted to fins by then.

It’s interesting to not that Eric says that one of the places he is going to visit is Agrabah and at that exact moment there is a woman in blue with her midriff showing, just like Princess Jasmine. I also wonder if they are just namedropping Agrabah, or is this is going to connect to Jafar and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland eventually?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) talking to an imposter belled (played by emilie de ravin)
Stop talking to your hallucinations!

Back in the present-day Neverland, Rumpelstiltskin is still just kind of hanging around and being a nutbar by himself, that is, until Peter Pan shows up again to try and demoralize him. Peter Pan tells Rumpelstiltskin that he should give up on trying to save Henry, because Rumpelstiltskin will die in the process and that he should go home to Belle and start a new family with her, because she “looks fertile”. Ick. Ick. Ick. No, Lost Boys should never comment on a woman’s fetility. It grosses me out. How does Peter Pan know anything about Belle or Rumpelstiltskin’s life in Storybrooke, anyway?

And then the hallucination Belle shows up and is all like, “Yeah, Rumple, you should listen to Pan. I’m hella fertile. Your current family sucks anyway.”

a screencap of peter pan's shadow (played by CGI)
I hate this thing.

Regina interrupts and reveals that the hallucination Belle was really Peter Pan’s shadow the whole time. That’s a bit gross. Didn’t Rumpelstiltskin and hallucination Belle kiss at some point? This means that Pan’s shadows has probably been relaying everything that Rumpelstilskin has been saying, you know, via charades or something, and that ain’t good.

I also wonder what Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow has been up to. We haven’t seen it since he cut it off. Can Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow shapeshift like Peter Pans? What happened to the shadow that we saw Pan tear out of Greg Mendell?

Anyway, Regina convinces Rumpelstiltskin that they should join forces, because wandering around in circles in the jungle with the Charmings has gotten really, really annoying. They need to rescue Henry and go do something more interesting.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) transformed into ursula the sea goddess
Girl, you are looking fabulous!

Back to the fishy mermaid story of lovey dovey. Regina has been spying on Snow White and Ariel and she devises yet another plan to kill Snow White that will of course not work. We already know that Snow White survives to the present, so there is never any tension in these stories about her and Regina’s past.

Anyway, Regina disguises herself as Ursula so that she can trick Ariel into joining her in her evil plan, also because it’s just too fun to look that fabulous and ham it up.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher), regina (played by lana parrilla) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) transformed into a mermaid
A Poor Unfortunate Soul

Regina gives Ariel a magical bracelet to put on Snow White that gives Ariel legs and changes Snow White’s legs into fins, unfortunately, since Snow White has no idea how use fins, this leaves her helpless. Snow White is completely at Regina’s mercy now, but instead of killing Snow White right away, which would be the smart thing to do, Regina drags it out and gives Ariel enough time to grab a fork to stab her with.

Ariel takes the bracelet off Snow White, which means that she loses her legs and won’t be able to go on the journey with Eric. Snow White convinces Ariel to tell Eric about her fishiness, because, who knows? Maybe Eric is into that kind of thing. Regina steals Ariel’s voice at the last second though, so she will never be able to tell Eric the truth.

Fast forward to present day, Regina returns Ariel’s voice to her and says that will give Ariel legs and reunite her with Eric, if she does a favour for her. You see mermaids can travel between realms (the Hell?) and they need a magical doohickey from Mr. Gold’s store in Storybrooke. Yay! We’re going back to Storybrooke!

So, mermaids can just spontaneously open portals between worlds or something? That’s really dang useful. You’d figure that Regina or Rumpelstiltskin would have captured one and be keeping it in a tank in their basement for emergencies.

a screencap of neal (played by michael raymond-james) hugging emma (played by jennifer morrison)
And then the “Captain Swan” fans grabbed their torches and pitchforks.

So, what have the Charmings and Captain Hook been doing this whole time?

Well, it turns out that Captain Hook really is a good guy and he tells them right away that Neal is alive and in Neverland, even though this means that he’ll have to stop macking on Emma. Emma says that the only reason she kissed Hook was because she was bored or something and she likes messing with people’s emotions.

Neal is in the middle of a magical pit that can only be crossed if everyone reveals a dark secret they’ve been hiding. That evil, evil Peter Pan, making everyone tell the truth. Who does he think he is?

So, everyone’s deep dark secret:

  • Hook kissed Emma and he’s was afraid to admit that this means he’s moved on from his dead love, Milah.
  • Mary Margaret is upset because she isn’t really getting that mother-daughter experience that she wanted with Emma and when they get home to Storybrooke, she want’s to start over again with a new baby.
  • We already know David’s secret. He can’t leave Neverland because he had his dreamshade poisoning cured by the magic spring, so he can’t have a baby with Margaret in Storybrooke.
  • And Emma’s secret is that she was hoping that Neal really was dead, because she was afraid of facing all the hurt that Neal caused her. Emma is just in general really bad at dealing with emotions

So, after Neal and Emma are back together, he tells her that he’ll never stop fighting for her, except he totally did already. Doesn’t he remember how he fell in love with Tamara and got engaged to her?

Hey, we never found out who was in that other cage from last week. Bleh. I hate waiting.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E05 “Good Form”

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SPOILER ALERT! THIS POST IS IMAGE  HEAVY! RUN!

So, in this episode, we learn that child abuse is A-OK, well, as long as you believe that you have a good reason to be doing it, that is.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) swordfighting with lost boy devin (played by skyler gisondo)
KILL! KILL! KILL!

Peter Pan is trying to turn Henry into a little bastard and it seems to be working out pretty okay. He orders Henry to swordfight another child and Henry launches into it with enthusiastic vigor and such.

a screencap of devin (played by skyler gisondo) with a cut on his cheek
You’ve just made an enemy for life, kid.

And then he “accidentally” cuts the kid’s cheek and suddenly the swordfighting game isn’t fun anymore.

Well, you know how it is with these kids, once they’ve gotten a taste for blood, they’re no good anymore. I’m afraid that we’re going to have to put Henry down, for everyone’s safety.

a screencap of captain liam jones (played by bernard curry) and his brother lieutenant killian jones (played by colin o'donoghue)
Brohams

So, back in the past, Captain Hook, or Killian Jones, as he was known in those days, was a fine, upstanding citizen, a lieutenant in the King’s Nazy in fact. Which king, you ask? Errr… You know the king-guy with the crown and stuff, whose name and the country he runs aren’t important.

Also, his captain is his brother, Liam Jones. Don’t get too attached to him.

Anyway, nameless king-guy sends the Jones brothers on a mission to retrieve some dreamshade from Neverland. The king says that dreamshade is a panacea, but we already know that it is in fact the opposite, on account of that Charming dude being poisoned by it 5 years ago and taking his sweet time dying from it.

Poor little flying horsey...
Poor little flying horsey…

To make it possible for their ship to get to Neverland they murdered Hercules’ winged horse, Pegasus, and used the feathers from its wings to make a special sail. Hercules is going to be pissed when he finds out about that.

I hope Hercules shows up and he’s played by Kevin Sorbo. Also, he kills everyone and this show just becomes Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. I liked that show.

a screencap of a flying ship
Weeeeeeeee!

The Pegasus feather sail makes the ship fly through the air, but how does that make sense? The feathers made Pegasus fly because, well, they were attached to its freaking wings. I guess in the magic world you can just staple feathers to anything and it will start floating, because to Hell with the laws of aerodynamics. MAGIC!

a screencap of a magical golden sextant with an image of a pegasus on it
Pretty!

Mystery king-guy gave the Joneses a magical sextant to find Neverland. Now, sextants are used to navigate by looking through them at the constellations, you know, at night, the they use this one during broad daylight. I guess that’s it magical power, that you can see the stay through it, even during the day. Also, sextants are really just measuring tools. You measure between a known star and the horizon to get your location. You still need an actual map and coordinates when you’re using a sextant, but, hey, whatever, IT’S MAGIC.

No “second star to the right” is not a coordinate. To the right of what, I ask you? To the right of what!?

a screencap of captain liam jones (played by bernard curry) and lieutenant killain jones (played by colin o'donoghue) pointing their swords at peter pan (played by robbie kay)
Aaah! It’s a threatening child! Be on your guard!

When they get to Neverland, Peter Pan shows up and is all like, “Hey, stupids, dreamshade is really a poison.”, but Liam is all like, “Nuh-uh, king-guy wouldn’t lie to us. I hate you, you stupid kid. Stop bad-mouthing king-guy.”

Liam then tries to prove that dreamshade isn’t really a poison by stabbing himself with its thorns, because, apparently, he was too lazy and stupid to find a squirrel or some other critter to test it on and he promptly dies.

Peter Pan shows up again and leads Killian to a magical spring that can heal anything, but fails to tell Killian that one must stay on Neverland or the effects of the springs will wear off and the person will die, so, after Killian resurrects Liam and they head home to wherever, Liam just ends up dying again. And that is why Captain Hook hates Peter Pan, apparently, because Peter Pan tried to warn them about the dreamshade and then gave Killian a few extra moments with his brother, when he could have just rubbed his nose in it for not listening to him about the dreamshade.

Everyone keeps saying that Peter Pan is a monster, but the only people we’ve seen him kill were very annoying and other than that, he just seems to want to teach people important life lessons.

a screencap of the dreamshade poison spreading on the chest of david (played by josh dallas)
That ain’t good…

Back in present day, Prince Charming is still dying very slowly from the dreamshade poisoning and he still won’t tell his family about it, because he is a gigantic, crazy dummy.

Captain Hook lies to Charming that the magical sextant, which could be used to find their way home, is still on the island, when he really just chucked it into the sea. He’s really leading Charming to the magical healing spring, not the sextant. Anyway, Charming is healed now, but he can’t leave the island without dying.

Charming tells his family that Hook saved his life, but he lies about the circumstances. He says that Hook save him from Lost Boys. He doesn’t tell them that he can’t leave the island now. It’s alright when Charming lies, because he’s one of the good guys and good guy tell good lies.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) offering a chocolate bar to devin (played by skyler gisondo)
Always take candy from strangers.

Speaking of Lost Boys, Regina and Emma capture the Lost Boy who Henry had injured earlier. Regina offers him candy, if he leads them to Henry, but the lost boy isn’t having any of that, so Emma wraps her hands around the child’s throat and threatens him. It’s a really awful and uncomfortable scene.

I think it was a really bad idea for the writers to make the Lost Boys evil. Having the Lost Boys fight and defeat adult pirates is fun because it’s a subversion of the power imbalance between children and adults that we have in the real world. Having adults fight children and win isn’t fun at all, because that’s how things always work out in the real world. Really, what are we going to be saying to ourselves at the end of all of this? “Yay! Our heroes defeated the small, orphaned and lost children! Huzzah!”

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) controlling a child's heart
Should have taken the candy, kid.

When Emma’s threatening and menacing of the 4-foot-tall child don’t work, Regina rips out the child’s heart and uses it to control the kid. They send the Lost Boy back to Pan’s camp with a magic mirror so they can tell Henry, “Hey, son-guy, we’re here to save you and junk, so don’t despair.”

a screencap of emma (played by jennifer morrison) kissing captain hook (played by colin o'donoghue)
And the fangirls went wild!

And then Emma kisses Hook, because he saved her father’s life or something. She didn’t really seam to be that into it, which was weird.

Peter Pan, of course, has to show up and ruin Captain Hook’s fun. He tells Hook  and only Hook, that Neal is still alive and is in Neverland at that very moment. Will Hook keep this information to himself so he can keep macking on Emma with impunity? Neal was his surrogate son for a while, you’d think Hook would rush right to save Neal. I bet he’s going to keep it a secret. Hook likes making out more than he likes Neal.

a screencap of two cages,one of which holds neal and the other holds a mystery person
WHAT’S IN THE BOX!?

The Lost Boys shoved Neal into a box next to another box with a mystery person in it. Who it this mystery person? Is is someone we have already met? I bet it’s Rumpestiltskin’s father.

So, kids, how are they going to get Charming off of Neverland without him dying? I bet it’s something like, because Peter Pan created Neverland with his mind, he basically is Neverland and then Charming will become his father figure and since Peter will always be in his heart, Charming will take a piece of Neverland with him wherever he goes, or something cheesy like that.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E04 “Nasty Habits”

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SPOILER ALERT! THIS POST IS ABOUT THE FOURTH EPISODE OF THE THIRD SEASON OF ONCE UPON A TIME, “NASTY HABITS”.

IN THIS EPISODE: IT’S A DADDY ISSUES FIRE SALE! ALL DADDY ISSUES MUST GO! FREE ANGST WITH EVERY PURCHASE!

a screencap of felix (played by parker croft) and neal (played by michael raymond james) walking through the woods
Felix is the worst!

In the beginning of the episode, Felix is leading Neal through the woods, while being a smarmy weirdo and  I was all like, “Crud, this is going to be a Felix-heavy episode, isn’t it?”

Incidentally, that wooden club that Felix carries looks to be an Irish weapon called a “shillelagh”. I’m now going to assume that Felix is the world’s tallest leprechaun, because EVERYBODY ON THIS SHOW MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS.

a screenacap of neal (played by michael raymond-james) punching felix (played by parker croft)
YAY!

Anyway, then Neal punched Felix in his stupid face and all was well.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) applying warpaint
The hunt is on.

Meanwhile, Rumpelstiltskin was tripping balls in the woods and painting his face like he was a war veteran, with post-traumatic stress disorder, having flashbacks.

He’s still having hallucinations of Belle, which is weird. Is there an external cause for his visions, or is he just nuts?

HalluciBelle is the most emotionally-needy, annoying hallucination ever. I hope we get back to Storybrooke soon to hang out with the real Belle and she does something other than talk about Rumpelstiltskin all the time. Belle isn’t a real character anymore. She’s just a prop in Rumpelstiltskin’s story, but, then again, isn’t that everyone on this show now?

As it turns out, even Peter Pan is connected to Rumpelstiltskin’s story. Peter Pan and Rumpelstiltskin were friends as children, but they had a falling-out. Peter betrayed Rumpelstiltskin. Years later, Peter Pan, as the Pied Piper of Hamlin (EVERYBODY ON THIS SHOW MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS!), used a magically flute that can only be heard boys with daddy issues, to draw away Baelfire away from Rumpelstiltskin in an attempt to kidnap him. Baelfire’s daddy issues, of course, centre around the fact that his dad is an evil, murderous and cowardly control freak.

So, Peter Pan is also the Pied Piper of Hamlin? That means that his pan flute also summons rats, right? Is Neverland full of rats, then? Can Peter Pan make the rats do his bidding? Is Peter Pan the cause of the Black Death?

What is the reason that Peter Pan only wants boys, anyway? Is his one weakness cooties?

Anyone want to bet that Peter Pan used to have the Heart of the Truest Believer, but his evil deeds blackened his heart? Pan says that he built Neverland out of his dreams, but he doesn’t seem to have that power anymore and he says that Henry does. Can you use magic to switch hearts between two people?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) and baelfire (played by michael raymond-james) fighting a giant squid
Ursula?

Neal and Rumpelstiltskin are reunited once again. Neal blows into the wrong end of a conch shell to summon a giant squid. Squid ink can be used to paralyze magic-users. The use it to freeze Pan and steal back Henry, who thankfully spent most of this episode asleep and not talking.

Neal learns of the prophecy that the a boy will be the undoing of the Dark One. Both Neal and Rumpelstiltskin believe that this “boy” is Henry, so Neal uses the squid ink on Rumpelstiltskin, because he trust him not to hurt Henry, what with Rumpelstiltskin’s evil past an all.

Why is everyone assuming that the “boy” is Henry and that “undoing” means death? There’s a whole island of Lost Boys and any one of them could be the “boy”. And “undoing” could mean anything really. Maybe it just means that the Dark One will be turned back into a regular man.

The Last Alliance of Heroes and Villains did some stuff too. Prince Charming is still very slowly dying of dreamshade poison and they found a star chart that leads back to Earth that Neal built out of a coconut shell, which, unfortunately, is in a code that only Neal can read.

How did Neal make that star chart, anyway? Was he some sort of geometry-wizard-astrophysicist-wunderkind as a child? Wouldn’t the stars on Neverland be completely different from the ones on Earth? Is Neverland  in the same galaxy as Earth? Is Neverland on Earth? Did Neal use a spaceship to escape Neverland? Did Neal use to own the Millennium Falcon and then he sold it to Lando Calrissian to buy an apartment in New York?

Is Rumpelstiltskin a Sith Lord?

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E02 “Lost Girl”

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SPOILER DERP! SPOILER DERP!

I’m feeling a bit janky, so alls you’re getting this week is my weird, long and rambling notes on this episode.

a screencap of captain hook (played by Colin O'Donoghue), emma (played by Jennifer Morrison), regina (played by Lana Parrilla), mary margaret (played by Ginnifer Goodwin) and David (played by Josh Dallas) standing around looking all determined and junk
TEAMWORK!

Rumpelstiltskin removes his Shadow and gives it the Dark One’s dagger for safekeeping. The Shadows are separate, autonomous beings from their casters (people that cast shadows?) I wonder if a shadow could betray it’s caster? Greg’s shadow better not jump back inside of him and bring him back to life. Weird, up until this point, Shadows were removed from inside people, but Rumpelstiltskin casts his Shadow onto a wall and cuts it off from his feet. (Don’t tell the writers that more that one light source can cause a person to cast multiple shadows.)

Hook and Charming are having a pissing match. This is a productive use of their energy.

Neverland is evil. EVIL! Everything is cursed, poisonous or annoying. EVIL!

The magic mirror/genie is back.

A rehash, yet again, in a flashback, of the old feud between Regina and the Charmings. She gives them an ultimatum, yet again, and, yet again, they find a way to weasel out of it. This show has to remind us every few episodes that the EVIL QUEEN is evil, or else we might forget.

Peter Pan totally pulls a “I like a girl with spirit!” with Emma and it is really, really gross.

Emma needs to admit to herself that she’s fairy tale Jesus. Why has fairy tale God forsaken her?

Ugh. They’re bickering again. Didn’t that thing with the mermaids teach them about teamwork? Why have they forgotten already?

a screencap of Snow White (played by Ginnifer Goodwin) with a deer behind her in the background
DEER SIGHTING!

What’s up with that deer in the background? I bet that deer is an evil spy. I saw an evil look in that devilish deer’s eye. Or, it’s Bambi.

Don’t spinning wheels usually have a pedal? Why is Rumpelstiltskin always turning it with his hands? When are we going to get the flashback where Aurora pricks her finger on Rumpelstiltskin’s spindle? Rumpelstiltskin must be involved in everybody’s backstory.

Belle can astral project or something. Or, she’s an illusion. Rumpelstiltskin needs to see a therapist. Rumpelstiltskin has daddy issues. Quickly, everyone start pitching your wild theories as to who Rumpelstiltskin’s father could be! My bet is that Rumpelstiltskin’s father is Merlin, who had to leave because he was aging backwards. Eventually, when Merlin became boy-aged, he realized that only had a few more years left before he would die, so he travelled to Neverland, where he would stop aging (or youngening), and became PETER PAN!

Snow White’s wig looks like it’s been farted upon by hobos.

The Enchanted Forest is really small. You can get anywhere in less than a half day’s ride.

Captain Hook and Prince Charming are in love with each other now.

How did Felix get Rumpelstiltskin’s old doll anyhow?

Excalibur? REALLY? Heh. Remember that time that Lancelot died offscreen? Um. Snow White can wield Excalibur? She’s “The Once and Future King”? Her name isn’t Arthur! HARUMPH.

Peter Pan is wearing Henry’s clothing. Henry is naked somewhere.

There’s a fight, but none of the stupid kids die. HARUMPH.

Captain Hook alludes to having done something horrible to Rufio in the past. I’m going to bet that they deviate from the storyline of the movie Hook and actually have the bad thing be something other that killing Rufio. Rufio will probably return as yet another character looking for revenge.

Adoption is evil. EVIL!

Oh, good, it’s a fake Excalibur. She just needed to think it was Excalibur, so that she would believe in herself. Incidentally, “Mudd’s Women” is a cruddy episode of Star Trek.

Rumpelstiltskin takes Snow White’s Mother’s necklace. This will probably be an important plot point later.

It’s implied that a fairy, possibly Tinker Bell, is messing with Rumpelstiltskin. YAY! More characters!

Prince Charming is poisoned!

That deer is my new favourite character. (I hope it’s Bambi!)

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E01 “The Heart of the Truest Believer”

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SPOILER ALERT! AREN’T THESE SPOILERS ALERTS GETTING ANNOYING!? SPOILER ALERT!

Well, kiddies, here we go again for a third season…

I’d say this episode was mostly exposition, if the word “exposition” meant explaining things in the vaguest way possible, presumably, so that they can stretch out the revelation of important plot points over as many episodes as possible. The ole soap opera style long con, is what we’ve got on our hands here.

a screencap of a doctor holding newborn henry mills
Now, be a good Spartan and leave him to die of exposure in the wilderness.

A the beginning of the show, we get a flashback to Emma giving birth to Henry and then giving him up. During the birth, her magic cause an electrical disturbance and makes the lights flash, and nobody notices or cares. Don’t ever send me to that hospital. They don’t care if a power surge knock the life-sustaining equipment out.

Emma finally calls attention to the fact that her mother, Mary Margaret,  is the same age as her and doesn’t really have that much wisdom to impart. Also, that her whole “Happily Ever After” shtick is useless and annoying.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) wearing his old enchanted forest clothes
The clothes make the man.

Rumpelstiltskin changes into his old Enchanted Forest clothes. Where did Rumpelstiltskin get his old clothes from? Were they on the boat? Why did Captain Hook have Rumpelstiltskin’s clothing on his boat? I bet Captain Hook kept the Rumpelstiltskin’s clothes in his bunk and sniffed them during his alone time. Or… Rumpelstiltskin just magiced the clothing to the boat… Whatever.

Anyway, everybody on the boat is bickering and not working well together already and it’s a bit annoying how quickly the alliance of good and evil has started breaking down.

Soooo… Captain Hook was Baelfire surrogate father for awhile and now he’s crushing on Emma, Baelfire’s girlfriend. This is going to get awkward fast.

a screencap of greg mendell (played by ethan embry) starting a fire while tamara (played by sonequa martin-green) and henry (played by jared s. gilmore) look on
Marshmallows anyone?

Greg and Tamara take Henry on a sweet camping trip, the kind his mom and dad never had the time for.

It turns out that Greg and Tamara don’t know who they’re working for and they don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing what they’re doing. They just know that they needed to kidnap Henry and bring him to Neverland and then, like, magic, which they HATE, will… er… stop or something. They know this because of FAITH. WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY ELSE HAVE FAITH LIKE THEY DO?

Greg and Tamara are big fat dummies.

a screen cap of lost boy felix (played by paker croft)
This is Felix. I hate Felix.

Hey, it’s Felix and the Lost Boys, here to ruin everybody’s good time. They want Henry.

a screencap of greg mendell (played by ethan emby) having his shadow removed by the evil shadow peter pan
YOUR SOUL IS MINE!

Felix calls the scary Neverland shadow creature to pull Greg’s soul out of his body. Greg looks like he’s dead. I hope he is. He was annoying.

I’m not sure anymore whether or not the scary flying shadow is Peter Pan. It may be a completely separate character. Remember, in the original Peter Pan, Peter’s shadow kept running off, until Wendy sewed the shadow to Peter Pan. I think something like that may be happening here. Peter not being in control of his malevolent, soul-stealing shadow is a little scary.

a screencap of tamara (played by sonequa martin-green) getting hit in the back by an arrow
YAY!

And, Tamara get’s shot in the back with and arrow and there is much rejoicing. She doesn’t die though. Rumpelstiltskin comes by later and crushes her heart into dust, so that was good.

Free of Greg and Tamara, Henry runs into the woods to escape The Lost Boys.

a screencap of henry mills (played by jared s. gilmore) meeting a blond boy (played by robbie kay)
Just what we needed, another KID!

So, Jojen Reed finally meets Bran Stark in the forest and explains how their fathers were great allies during Robert’s Rebellion. Er… I mean… Some blond kid saves Henry from the mean upperclassmen that were chasing him.

a screencap of mulan (played by jamie chung), aurora (played by sarah bolger) and prince philip (played by julia morris) rushing to the side of baelfire (played by michael raymond-james)
Remember these guys?

Mulan, Aura and Prince Philip treat Neal’s wounds and, for some strange reason, put him on Aurora’s sleeping curse bed. Why would they do that? It’s just weird. Put the poor guy on a proper bed, jeez.

Hey, Prince Philip’s soul is back in his body! They never showed us how Prince Philip’s soul was returned to his body. I SMELL A FLASHBACK EPISODE COMING UP!

They keep asking Neal about Earth and technology and stuff, and being all like “Your world frightens and confuses me”. Weird that they didn’t really do that when they were hanging out with Emma.

Anyhoo, I predict many, many episodes of wandering around the forest and not really doing much for these brave adventurers.

a screencap of some evil mermaids
SPARKLY!

So, back to the boat, which is taking forever to reach the shores of Neverland, and evil mermaids start hitting the boat with their tails. Apparently, they’re really strong, because they actually start causing damage.

David straight-up starts firing a canon at the mermaids and it is ridiculous. He’s trying to murder sentient creatures without talking to them first. Maybe attacking the boat was all a big misunderstanding! We’ll never know, because attempting to explode them was his first choice of action.

a screencap of an evil mermaid (played by natasha wilson)
Grrrrrrrr…

They capture one of the mermaids for some reason and she is pissed. She uses a magic conch shell to conjure a  typhoon. I think Link from The Legend of Zelda had one of those.

Regina tells David to “Flay the bitch!”

FLAY THE BITCH? Holy Hell! I thought this was a family program!

Anyway, it turns out that the typhoon is fuelled by interpersonal discord and it just gets worse and worse as the people on the boat keep bickering and punching eachother in the face. Emma figures out that they need to start working together to stop the typhoon. She trows herself of the boat, so that they have to work together to save her. Emma is an idiot.

I think that the mermaid was really a magical angel, sent to our heroes to teach them the value of friendship and teamwork.

*SPOILERS* I already know from previews that Ariel is going to show up this season and this isn’t here. I wonder if this is actually Ursula? She can use a bit of magic like Ursula at least.

a screencap of robin hood (played by sean maguire)
THIS ROBIN HOOD IS AN IMPOSTER

Back to the Enchanted Forest. Remember all the junk last season about nothing being left of the Enchanted Forest after the curse but a void? Complete bunk! Even Rumpelstiltskin’s castle is still there! So, Neal goes to his father’s castle to try and find a magic trinket or dealy that would open up a portal to return to Emma.

Robin Hood, played by a new actor, is there, because he likes touching other people’s stuff. Maid Marion is nowhere to be found.

I hope we have a situation where it’s The Merry Men VS The Lost Boys. I hope there isn’t anything, like, through weird time travel shenanigans, that The Lost Boys become The Merry Men. That would be silly.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) and peter pan (played by robbie kay) flying through the air trailing pixie dust
THUNDERPANTS!

So, blondy has some magic fairy dust, but it only works if you truly believe it will work. Henry will believe anything that you tell hi, so of course Henry can use the dust to fly.

It turns out that the blond kid is Peter Pan and he was being all tricksy and stuff with Henry to test his belief. It turn out that Henry has “The Heart of the Truest Believer”. What does The Heart of the Truest Believer do? I bet that we’ll have to wait many, many episodes to find out. Also, how did Peter Pan find out about Henry and the he may have The Heart of the Truest Believer? There better not be a prophecy involved here. (There probably is.)

Also, it turns out that Peter Pan was the one giving Greg and Tamara their orders this whole time, in order to trick them into bringing Henry to him. But how? Neither he or his lost boys could contact them directly because they hate magic. Also, Peter Pan would have had to have a way to contact people on other worlds. If he could do that, why didn’t he just contact Henry directly, trick him into coming to Neverland and cut out the middleman? Greg and Tamara are so fanatical about their hate for magic, what if they just decided to deviate from Pan’s plan and kill all the magical creatures, Henry included? How did Peter Pan know that the citizen of Storybrooke were growing magic beans and that Greg and Tamara would be able to obtain one of the beans to get to Neverland? We see that he can send his shadow to Earth to steal child. Why didn’t he just have the shadow steal Henry? None of it makes any sense.

Bah. Whatever. See you next week.