SPOILER ALERT! EPISODE TWENTY OF THE SECOND SEASON OF ONCE UPON A TIME, IT’S A SECRET TO EVERYBODY!
This episode was all about how Regina is an insane, crazy idiot. I mean, I hardly even have the words to describe how stupid Regina is in this episode.
Regina Shapshifted into a Peasant
Regina goes to Rumpelstiltskin and asks him to shapeshift her into someone else so that she can hide in plain sight in order to get the jump on Snow White and kill her. He tells her that no one will recognize her and that she won’t be able to use magic while she is another form. He even shows her that she looks completely different in a mirror to drive the point home.
The next time we see Regina, she tries to use magic and have people obey her as their queen. Gah! Memory like a goldfish this one has.
Regina also doesn’t seem to get why killing thousands of people would make her evil, because something, something, SNOW WHITE. And we learn for the, like, millionth time that Regina can never be reformed, because we just didn’t understand it when they tried to drive that point home in all the previous episodes.
I don’t even know anymore. Please stop, Once Upon a Time, you’re hurting me.
…yadda yadda yadda…
Regina meets up with Captian Hook and they go to retrieve some magical MacGuffin out of the caverns beneath the library, because that cavern set was expensive, goddamit, and they have to justify the expenditure by using it at least once a season.
Maleficent, girl, that is not a good look for you.
But, oh no! Maleficent is still alive, because magic, and Regina tosses Hook to her as a distraction. Also, Maleficent is now a lych or something of the like. I assume the actress that plays Maleficent, Kristine Bauer van Straten, is busy working on True Blood. Still, hope that Maleficent returns to human form this season, because I love Kristin Bauer van Straten. One day she will be my best friend.
A-HA!
When Regina returns to the surface with the MacGuffin, she learns that Captain Hook is in cahoots with Tamara and Greg Mendell. Tamara and Greg have powerful scientific powers and they gave Hook a special cuff filled with the “toughest metals and machinery known to man” to give to Regina. The cuff counteracts Regina’s magic powers and she is now helpless.
I really don’t like the whole “magic vs. science” thing. Magic is a completely fake, made-up thing, so, to counteract it, you need completely fake, made-up science. It usually just devolves into annoying techobabble vs. annoying magicbabble.
Well, kids, there’s only two more episodes left in this season. Let’s see if they can fix things in that small amount of time.
This episode is about -THERE’S GOOD INSIDE OF YOU, I CAN FEEL IT! THERE’S GOOD INSIDE OF EVERYONE! YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE GOOD INSIDE OF EVERYONE!
Oh, that’s where those went!
Remember how in the last episode how Mother Superior had her wand back mysteriously? Well, obviously, she took it back from Mr. Gold’s store when he wasn’t looking, so shut up.
Didn’t he have a magical force field that would’ve prevented that kind of thing? No. Shut up.
Seriously, though, why are they letting Mr. Gold sit on this giant arsenal of dangerous, magical trinkets? If I were Emma, I would have confiscated it all by now. Isn’t she still the sheriff? Or, like, David was the sheriff now, or something? I don’t know…
WHY WASN’T THIS FOR REAL!?
They show us a wonderful sequence where Mr. Gold turns Henry into a porcelain figurine and smashes him into powder, but it turns out that it was just a wonderful, wonderful dream. Dang it! Why won’t the annoying kid die for real?
I also noticed that there is a canoe hanging in Mr. Gold’s shop. Mr. Gold killed Pocahontas and stole her canoe because it is made out of magical wood. This is my theory.
BECAUSE THIS SHOW NEEDED MORE CHARACTERS!
This episode introduces Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham. The show needed more characters, so they added more characters. There was no way around it.
Anyhoo, in the past Enchanted Forest, Robin Hood steals a wand from Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin needs to kill Robin Hood now, because he has to maintain his evil persona or else people won’t be scared of him anymore. Belle doesn’t think that Rumpelstiltskin will kill Robin Hood, because Rumpelstiltskin still has some goods inside. Rumpelstiltskin doesn’t kill Robin Hood. The End.
Also, Rumpelstiltskin gives Belle a library, you know, just cause.
This episode is supposed to expand on why Belle fell in love with Rumpelstiltskin, but it ends up just making the audience hating them both a little bit, because they are both just so annoying.
Belle: “THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! GRAAAAAAHHHH!”
Rumpelstiltskin: “LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! GRAAAAAAHHHH!”
How does Robin Hood even fit in on this show? I mean, Robin Hood may be a fictional person, but other characters from his story, like Richard the Lionheart or the Sheriff of Nottingham, are real-life historical figures. Also, The Crusades, which are an important part of the Robin Hood story, are not very child-friendly or fairytale-like at all.
Field of Beans; Field of Dreams
Mary Margaret and David take Emma to see the bean patch. The beans might be mature enough to make a portal to the Enchanted Forest soon. Emma has to choose if she wants to go with them. Choices are hard.
Why did they plant an entire field of beans? You only need one bean to make a portal! There must be thousands of beans in that field. That’s thousands of beans that could fall into the wrong hands.
Aaannnnddd, Regina ends up finding the bean patch and stealing some beans. Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
Alright, I’ll bite, which one of the rabbit’s holes is it?
Mr. Gold goes looking for Belle, and he finds her in The Rabbit Hole, the world’s tamest sleazy bar.
Seriously, The Rabbit Hole is well-lit and clean. The patrons are well-dressed and nice. There’s even a nice, homey fireplace. There’s nothing about the place that is actually sleazy, but the audience is supposed to believe that it’s a “vile place” anyway.
Trouble with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for POOL!
But, wait, oh no! Belle isn’t Belle anymore! She’s playing pool, the most evil sport there is, and you can see her bra, the most evil article of clothing there is. She’s evil. EVIL!
Belle is Lacey now and Lacey like two things: getting frisky and getting drunk.
Seriously, Lacey is an alcoholic. Every time we see her, she is drinking. It’s to the audience that she is a bit of a bad person.
Hey, shouldn’t Lacey be traumatized from 28 years in the hospital’s basement? No. Shut up. She doesn’t even remember any of that.
Anyhoo, Mr. Gold needs to get Lacey to fall in love with him, so he can give her True Love’s Kiss™ and have Belle’s memories to her. The only problem is that Mr. Gold is reformed now, so that his son will like him again and Lacey doesn’t like Nice Guys™.
Hey, remember Sneezy? He doesn’t!
Hey, everyone, chill out! The writers totally remember that Sneezy lost his memory too and they included a shot of Mr. Clark to prove it. I think he’s better and more hygienic as Mr. Clark though. Maybe they shouldn’t give him his memories back.
This guy has evil hair.
Well, I hope that none of you became too attached to the Sheriff of Nottingham. It looks like he’s among the many characters that are introduced and then killed-off in the same episode.
Mr. Gold goes on a date with Lacey, but he acts too sweet and kind and lame, so she ditches him and goes to the alleyway to make-out with the Sheriff of Nottingham’s Storybrooke alterego, Keith. Mr. Gold catches them and it causes him to have a sadness. Lacey is just too different from Belle.
Later, Keith meets up with Mr. Gold to apologize. Mr. Gold is in a really foul mood though, so he starts to beat the crud out of Keith with his cane. Lacey catches him and tells him not to stop because she like it. Lacey is turned-on by violence. Lacey likes Bad Boys ™.
Keith is probably dead now.
If the fandom doesn’t start calling the Rumpelstiltskin/Lacey pairing “Racey”, I’m going to be very upset.
“The Package”
In this episode, Tamara and Greg refer mysteriously to “the package” without revealing what “the package” is. You know, because when people are all alone and they aren’t worried that someone is listening in, they’ll still speak in code because it is fun. Jeeze, can’t people just have some fun once in a while. Gah.
Well, at the end of the episode it’s revealed that “the package” is actually Captain Hook, because the writers needed to find a way to get him from New York to Maine and the answer was inside Greg Mendell’s trailer.
Captain Hook’s new nickname is now “The Package”. (Because “package” is a euphemism for penis and Captain Hook has a penis.)
SPOILER ALERT! Oh, man, you would just not believe how many spoilers that this post has. It’s just so many spoilers.
Oi, did you miss an episode of season 2 of Once Upon a Time? Well, now is a good time for you to catch up, because there are no new episodes until April 21st, and, luckily for you, I’ve compiled this handy-dandy catch up guide with important plot points from each episode.
All episode titles link to posts that I wrote about that episode and character names link to the tag archive for that character.
Regina is mark for death-by-wraith by Rumpelstiltskin and, in an attempt to save her, Emma and Snow White are transported to the Enchanted Forest by Jefferson’s hat, which is subsequently destroyed barring them from returning.
Henry no longer trusts his adoptive mother, Regina, and goes to live with his grandfather, David.
In the past Enchanted Forest, Snow White is kidnapped by King George who poisons her so that she cannot have a child.
King George’s men also shoot Prince Charming’s mother with a poison arrow.
Snow White, Lancelot, Prince Charming and his mother all travel Lake Nostos for a cure, but there is only enough water left there to heal one person.
Prince Charming’s mother pretends to drink the healing water and Lancelot secretly puts the healing water in Snow White’s goblet.
Prince Charming’s mother sacrifices her life to cure Snow White and lives just long enough to see Snow White and Prince Charming get married, which was her dearest wish.
In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Snow White and Emma are trapped in a prison with Cora.
Lancelot, having recognized Snow White from their past dealing frees them from the prison and they go off in search of the wardrobe that brought Emma to our world.
They find the wardrobe, but it turns out that Lancelot was really Cora in disguise and they have to destroy the wardrobe to keep her from getting her hands on it.
In Storybrooke, Jefferson is reunited with his daughter and David has trouble dealing with his new job of taking care of Henry.
In Storybrooke, Moe attempts to get his daughter, Belle, over the townline to erase her memories of her love for Rumpelstiltskin, but Rumpelstiltskin saves her at the last second.
In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Cora shows a bottle of the ashes from the wardrobe to Captain Hook and they start hatching a plan to get to Storybrooke.
In the past Enchanted Forest, Rumpelstiltskin stages an elaborate ruse wherein Regina is made to think that Dr. Frankenstein could possibly bring Daniel back to life with one of Regina’s stolen hearts, but Frankenstein secretly doesn’t even try and keeps the magical heart for his own purposes. Regina, her heart broken and darkened, is then open to learning dark magic from Rumpelstiltskin.
In Storybrooke, Dr. Frankenstein steals one of the hearts from Regina’s vault and uses to resurrect Daniel for real this time, but Daniel comes back as a monster.
In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Snow White, Emma, Mulan and Aurora meet Captian Hook who tells them that he may know a way back to Storybrooke, a magical compass at the top of a giant beanstalk.
In the past, Emma is a thief and she falls in love with a fellow thief named “Neal Cassidy“.
August Booth meets alone with Neal and convinces him that Emma, in order to fulfill her special destiny, must be rehabilitated from her life of crime and he convinces Neal to rat Emma out for a crime that she didn’t commit so that she will be thrown in jail, because jail will straighten her out or something.
In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Emma climbs the the beanstalk, retrieves the magic compass, decides to spare the giant’s life and leaves Captain Hook chained up in the giant’s castle.
Aurora has been having nightmares ever since she was woken from the sleeping curse.
Henry is also having nightmares after coming out of his sleeping curse
In the past Enchanted Forest, while on the run from the Evil Queen, Red gets split up from Snow White and runs into her mother who Granny said was dead.
Red’s mother and her wolf pack teach Red how to control her wolf form.
Snow White finds Red, but accidentally leads some of the Evil Queen’s men to the wolves’ lair and they kill one of the pack.
Red’s mother believes the death is Snow White’s fault and wants Red to kill her. Red and her mother fight instead and the mother is accidentally killed in the process.
In Storybrooke, the dwarves have found fairy dust and they think that it can be used to fix Jefferson’s hat.
Albert Spencer frames Ruby for the murder of Billy and uses the the resultant distraction to steal Jefferson’s hat and destroy it.
WARNING SPOILERS! IF YOU DON’T LIKE SPOILERS, THEN YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STAY OFF OF THE INTERNET!
Well, kids, get ready for the 11th hour plotline gamechanger.
Forget about Sneezy losing his memory.
Forget about Mulan and Princess Aurora trying to return Prince Philip’s soul to his body.
Forget about Dr. Frankenstein trying find his lost brother.
I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that the remaining episodes in season 2 revolve around the surrounding world encroaching on Storybrooke.
Prostitute or girlfriend? Place your bets!
The episode opens in Phuket, Thailand. August Booth is in bed with a Thai woman named Isra. For some reason I feel that it is significant that they bothered to name the woman who August is with in this scene, even though this is the only time we see her in the entire episode. It just feels like one of those little tidbits that they put in that later becomes significant in retrospect. So, anyway, start guessing which fairy tale character Isra really is.
So, including Isra, August has been getting all up into some naughty things and, since August is really Pinocchio, we all know where this is leading…
LITTLE WOODEN BOY!
UGH. Why did they have to make wooden puppet August look so creepy? Also, I don’t like the way that his mouth moves like a real person’s mouth. I think that puppet August should have a hinged mouth like a marionette, complete with clacking noise when it closes.
August, just like the viewers, is disgusted by his hideous wooden form, but, rather than do good deeds in order to become a real boy again, August decides to try to find an easier way out. Queue an ultra convenient bilingual person that overhears August’s plight and tells him about a mysterious man call “The Dragon” that has magical powers and can cure August of his gross woodiness. Along the way, he encounters Tamara, Neal Cassidy’s future fiancee, because everyone, everyone on this has to have a mysterious past.
Tamara, while not from a magical world herself, is intensely interested in finding magic in the world, and, what’s more, keeping that magic all for herself. Tamara obtains a magic potion from The Dragon and then has it analysed with SCIENCE!
THIS VIAL IS PERPLEXING!
“I tested this vial with ALL OF THE SCIENCE and I found out that it isn’t composed of SCIENCE. It is made of SOMETHING ELSE. Mayhaps it be magic?”
Note that all these tests that Tamara performed on the vial apparently only took a couple of hours.
Then, instead of trying to get more magic from The Dragon, she decides to taser him to death, because he knows too much, or something.
This isn’t even my final form! BLEH! *dead*
Tamara is the worst, because she murdered The Dragon before we could see his final form. I guess there was only enough in money in this episode’s budget for one creepy-ass CGI critter.
Tamara then somehow follows August to New York, where he meets with Neal Cassidy and then she decides to trick Neal into becoming engaged with her, or something, so she can steal the magic from Storybrooke. It doesn’t make much sense.
August decides to try to stop Tamara from stealing the magic from Storybrooke, because apparently, yes, the entire town can be threaten by a lone woman with no special powers, but she tasers him to death. He was made of wood. Wood doesn’t conduct electricity that well. How could a taser kill him? BAH!
Apparently, it’s the thought that counts and just trying to save Storybrooke is enough of a good deed. The Blue Fairy appears out of nowhere and changes August Booth into a real boy, not a real man, mind you, a real boy with none of August’s adult memories, and, thus, no memories of Tamara. That buys time for the writers to stall a confrontation with her for a few more episodes. How convenient.
Also, part of her evil plan somehow involves having sex with Greg Mendell/Owen Flynn behind Neal’s back. You know what would be nice? It it would nice if this show could have just one female antagonist that doesn’t use sex to manipulate people.
LITTLE HUMAN BOY!
Well, sorry August fangirls and August/Emma fanshippers, August has, effectively, been killed off, but it’s probably for the best that the 7-year-old version of August doesn’t remember what he got up to in Thailand. Still, I hope that Isra comes to Storybrooke looking for an adult August and instead is greeted by a little kid.
Gram-Gram
One last thing, it’s mentioned in this episode that the most important person in Tamara’s life is her grandmother.
Who is Tamara’s grandmother? Tamara had to have learned about magic from somewhere, it must have been from her grandmother. I’m willing to bet that Tamara’s mother is Wendy Darling from Peter Pan, because they’ve been foreshadowing a visit to Neverland all season. They’ve also foreshadowed that Neal Cassidy may very well have been Peter Pan, which would mean that Neal would have been romantically involved with both Tamara and her grandmother. It’s so icky that the writers probably went there.
And, if anyone tells me that Tamara’s grandmother can’t be Wendy Darling because she is black, well, they already have Scottish actor Robert Carlyle playing the German character Rumpelstiltskin, so shut up. Also, you’re racist and should go have yourself a sit in The Naughty Corner.
TRIGGER WARNING! If you are sensitive to spoilers and you haven’t seen the seventeenth episode of the second season of Once Upon a Time,”Welcome to Storybrooke”, then you might not want to view this post without consulting your support team first.
Being a good single mom, having a fulfilling day job and crushing your enemies beneath your feet, can a woman have it all? Regina seems to think so.
This episode is all about having your cake and eating it too.
Although, through the use of magic, I believe that an “infinity cake” is probably possible…
Here, kid, have a dealie.
Meet Owen Flynn and Kurt Flynn. They’re two “normies” from the real world that are about to feel the full brunt of Regina’s reactive attachment disorder.
I’d know that crotch anywhere!
Part of this episode takes place in the early days of Storybrooke, just after the curse was cast, so, of course, they break out their secret sexy weapon…
Skinny hipster tie…
It’s Sheriff Tight-Pants… Er, Sheriff Hipster… Er, I mean, Sheriff Sexy… Whoops! No, it’s Sheriff Graham!
Methinks that the writers are really regretting killing-off Sheriff Graham. All the ladies love him! I mean, look at him, standing there with his face and junk. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE!?
Look at that skinny tie! It’s amazing!
ANGST COMA
Anyhoo, Mary Margret has to stay in bed for the rest of her life, because she just feels so bad after the whole “killing Cora” thing. She murdered millions of henchmen as Snow White and didn’t care at all! Snow White’s black and white morality apparently only applies to main characters. Actually, in this entire show, it’s only he lives of the main characters that matter.
Later on in this episode, Regina pulls out Mary’s heart and we see that it has a black spot, because apparently that’s what happens to your heart when you trick a person into killing their own mother. Methinks Mary, in upcoming episodes, is going to do as many good deeds as possible, in order to erase the darkness from her heart and finally become a real boy.
She should just seek out Mother Superior and repent to God. That would be faster.
Regina falls absolutely in love with Owen Flynn. I don’t know why, though. The kid spends the entire episode being an obnoxious butt.
She’s so in love with him that she attempts to steal the damn kid away from his father, but it doesn’t work out so well. Owen Flynn manages to escape Storybrooke, leaving his father behind.
We haven’t seen or heard anything about Kurt Flynn until this episode. Where has Kurt been this whole time? Is he in Regina’s vault? Several characters saw him and his son. Why hasn’t anyone mentioned anything about it? It will probably be handwaved away with “the cursed messed up everyone’s memories”. Magic makes covering up plotholes too easy.
Unmoved by the delicious bribe.
Neal Cassidy tries to use ice cream to bribe Henry into leaving Storybrooke. Henry decides that he’d rather stay and try to blow up all the magic instead. Luckily Regina shows up just in time to tell Henry that “You can’t just blow up all your problems, son”. Screw that, explosions always solve everything! Why the dwarves of Storybrooke are just leaving their dynamite unattended, in a world where everyone is trying to kill eachother, I will never know.
At the end of the episode, we find out that Greg Mendell is really Owen Flynn, because, on this show, everyone has to have at least two identities, even people from the real world. Soon, we’re going to find out that Henry is really one of the sugar plum fairies from Fantasia…
Anyway, Greg Mendell/Owen Flynn is back in Storybrooke to find his father, who will now, presumably, be around the same age as him and, oh, how there will be angst and drama because of it. There are only 5 episodes left in this season and I doubt that this plotline will be resolved in that time. I dislike when they shoehorn in 11th hour plotlines so that they will have something to carry over into the next season.
WARNING! This post contains spoilers for the sixteenth episode of the second season of Once Upon a Time, The Miller’s Daughter. If you haven’t seen that episode, then don’t read this post, lest you be spoiled for all time. Also, I may get a little blue this time round.
This episode made me feel dirty and not in a fun way. It was more of a “why is this network TV show turning all softcore-porny” dirty.
This episode seemed like 12 hours of a creepy imp hardcore macking on Rose McGowan. That’s because that’s what it was. Robert Carlyle’s sexual aura bent time and turned an hour show into 12 hours. This has been proven by finest hobo physicists in the field of hobo physics.
First he was like…Then he was like…And then the fangirls grabbed their torches and pitchforks and marched on the ABC studios.
I don’t think Robert Carlyle was even acting here. I think this was for real. This wasn’t family-friendly. But, hey, you get the chance to get kinda nasty with Rose McGowan, you take it.
Er… So, anyway, I guess I should walk about the plot and stuff.
Cora was a miller’s daughter
Eva, Snow White’s mom, was mean to Cora because of Cora’s low social standing
Rumpelstiltskin helps Cora learn magic through the power of hot making out
Cora becomes a duchess or something
Remember how I said that I didn’t think that Rumpelstiltskin was Regina’s father? I think that this episode confirms that. See, Cora and Rumpelstiltskin’s deal was that their first child together would belong to Rumpelstiltskin, but Cora decides to end her relationship with Rumpelstiltskin and marry Henry. Also, if Regina was Rumpelstiltskin’s daughter, he’d have power over her, right? He can’t seem to control Regina at all.
Of course, we’ve seen shapeshifting on this show. Rumpelstiltskin could have just made himself look like Henry and… Doesn’t it count as rape by fraud if you use your magic powers to make a person think that you’re someone you’re not? We need a magic lawyer to sort these things out. Anyway, if he did shapeshift into Henry, then it would be possible for Regina to be his daughter.
Oh, wait, wasn’t it implied in a first season episode that Jefferson was Regina’s half-brother? Maybe, Regina is the child of Cora and Henry, and, Jefferson is the child of Cora and Rumpelstiltskin. It would explain why Jefferson was working for Rumpelstiltskin.
The family trees on this show are already pretty complicated. Would the writer’s want to complicate them even further?
Also, I wish that there weren’t two character’s named “Henry” on this show. A couple of those above paragraphs are really gross, if you’re thinking about the wrong Henry.
I need to go have myself a lie-down. I’m getting weird.
