BAELFIRE HAS THREE DADS NOW! RUMPELSTILTSKIN, MR. DARLING AND CAPTAIN HOOK! WHAT A LUCKY BOY!
HOW IS CAPTAIN HOOK EVEN A PIRATE? WE NEVER SEE HIM PILLAGING EVER. DOES THE EYELINER MAKE HIM A PIRATE?
THEY MENTION CURSED MERMAIDS A WHOLE BUNCH AND WE NEVER SEE THEM. I FEEL CHEATED.
MORTAL ENEMIES WORKING TOGETHER FOR THE COMMON GOOD!
THE SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON FOR STORYBROOKE IS UNSTOPPABLE… NOT! IT ONLY NEEDS TWO MAGIC USERS TO STOP IT. EMMA HAS BARELY HAD ANY PRACTICE AT USING MAGIC AND THEY STILL STOPPED IT. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE DIED AND THE DESTRUCTION WAS MINIMAL. WEREN’T THEY ADVERTISING THAT THE SEASON FINALE WAS GOING TO BE DEVASTATING?
DON’T WORRY, HE’LL ANNOY THEM SO MUCH THEY’LL PAY TO GET RID OF HIM
SOMEHOW GREG AND TAMARA MANAGE TO BE COMPLETELY SILENT AND INVISIBLE TO KIDNAP HENRY WHEN HE WAS RIGHT BESIDE HIS MOMS AND HIS GRANDPARENTS. THEY ALSO GAIN A LARGE LEAD ON THEM DESPITE ONLY JOG-WALKING AWAY.
GREG AND TAMARA ARE, YET AGAIN, EXTREMELY VAGUE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE WORKING FOR AND WHAT EXACTLY THEIR CAUSE IS. I SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT THE WRITERS THEMSELVES DON’T KNOW AND THEY’RE USING VAGUENESS TO BUY THEMSELVES SOME TIME. THEY KEEP USING WORDS LIKE “HOLY” AND “SACRED”, SO I’M JUST GOING TO PRETEND THAT THEY’RE WORKING FOR THE POPE, UNTIL I’M TOLD OTHERWISE.
THEY’RE ON A BOAT!
EVERYBODY IS FRIENDS NOW! EMMA, REGINA, CAPTAIN HOOK, MARY MARGARET AND DAVID PUT ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES IN ORDER TO FORM AN ELITE TEAM AND GET HENRY BACK. THEY HATED EACHOTHER JUST FIVE MINUTES AGO, BUT WHO CARES? SHUT YOUR BUTT!
AAAAAANNNNDDDDDDD…IT LOOKS LIKE THE BIG BAD FOR NEXT SEASON IS GOING TO BE PETER PAN. THEY BETTER GET A MICHAEL JACKSON LOOKALIKE TO PLAY PETER PAN.
SPOILER ALERT! EPISODE TWENTY OF THE SECOND SEASON OF ONCE UPON A TIME, IT’S A SECRET TO EVERYBODY!
This episode was all about how Regina is an insane, crazy idiot. I mean, I hardly even have the words to describe how stupid Regina is in this episode.
Regina Shapshifted into a Peasant
Regina goes to Rumpelstiltskin and asks him to shapeshift her into someone else so that she can hide in plain sight in order to get the jump on Snow White and kill her. He tells her that no one will recognize her and that she won’t be able to use magic while she is another form. He even shows her that she looks completely different in a mirror to drive the point home.
The next time we see Regina, she tries to use magic and have people obey her as their queen. Gah! Memory like a goldfish this one has.
Regina also doesn’t seem to get why killing thousands of people would make her evil, because something, something, SNOW WHITE. And we learn for the, like, millionth time that Regina can never be reformed, because we just didn’t understand it when they tried to drive that point home in all the previous episodes.
I don’t even know anymore. Please stop, Once Upon a Time, you’re hurting me.
…yadda yadda yadda…
Regina meets up with Captian Hook and they go to retrieve some magical MacGuffin out of the caverns beneath the library, because that cavern set was expensive, goddamit, and they have to justify the expenditure by using it at least once a season.
Maleficent, girl, that is not a good look for you.
But, oh no! Maleficent is still alive, because magic, and Regina tosses Hook to her as a distraction. Also, Maleficent is now a lych or something of the like. I assume the actress that plays Maleficent, Kristine Bauer van Straten, is busy working on True Blood. Still, hope that Maleficent returns to human form this season, because I love Kristin Bauer van Straten. One day she will be my best friend.
A-HA!
When Regina returns to the surface with the MacGuffin, she learns that Captain Hook is in cahoots with Tamara and Greg Mendell. Tamara and Greg have powerful scientific powers and they gave Hook a special cuff filled with the “toughest metals and machinery known to man” to give to Regina. The cuff counteracts Regina’s magic powers and she is now helpless.
I really don’t like the whole “magic vs. science” thing. Magic is a completely fake, made-up thing, so, to counteract it, you need completely fake, made-up science. It usually just devolves into annoying techobabble vs. annoying magicbabble.
Well, kids, there’s only two more episodes left in this season. Let’s see if they can fix things in that small amount of time.
This episode is about -THERE’S GOOD INSIDE OF YOU, I CAN FEEL IT! THERE’S GOOD INSIDE OF EVERYONE! YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE GOOD INSIDE OF EVERYONE!
Oh, that’s where those went!
Remember how in the last episode how Mother Superior had her wand back mysteriously? Well, obviously, she took it back from Mr. Gold’s store when he wasn’t looking, so shut up.
Didn’t he have a magical force field that would’ve prevented that kind of thing? No. Shut up.
Seriously, though, why are they letting Mr. Gold sit on this giant arsenal of dangerous, magical trinkets? If I were Emma, I would have confiscated it all by now. Isn’t she still the sheriff? Or, like, David was the sheriff now, or something? I don’t know…
WHY WASN’T THIS FOR REAL!?
They show us a wonderful sequence where Mr. Gold turns Henry into a porcelain figurine and smashes him into powder, but it turns out that it was just a wonderful, wonderful dream. Dang it! Why won’t the annoying kid die for real?
I also noticed that there is a canoe hanging in Mr. Gold’s shop. Mr. Gold killed Pocahontas and stole her canoe because it is made out of magical wood. This is my theory.
BECAUSE THIS SHOW NEEDED MORE CHARACTERS!
This episode introduces Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham. The show needed more characters, so they added more characters. There was no way around it.
Anyhoo, in the past Enchanted Forest, Robin Hood steals a wand from Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin needs to kill Robin Hood now, because he has to maintain his evil persona or else people won’t be scared of him anymore. Belle doesn’t think that Rumpelstiltskin will kill Robin Hood, because Rumpelstiltskin still has some goods inside. Rumpelstiltskin doesn’t kill Robin Hood. The End.
Also, Rumpelstiltskin gives Belle a library, you know, just cause.
This episode is supposed to expand on why Belle fell in love with Rumpelstiltskin, but it ends up just making the audience hating them both a little bit, because they are both just so annoying.
Belle: “THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! THERE’S GOOD IN YOU! GRAAAAAAHHHH!”
Rumpelstiltskin: “LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM! GRAAAAAAHHHH!”
How does Robin Hood even fit in on this show? I mean, Robin Hood may be a fictional person, but other characters from his story, like Richard the Lionheart or the Sheriff of Nottingham, are real-life historical figures. Also, The Crusades, which are an important part of the Robin Hood story, are not very child-friendly or fairytale-like at all.
Field of Beans; Field of Dreams
Mary Margaret and David take Emma to see the bean patch. The beans might be mature enough to make a portal to the Enchanted Forest soon. Emma has to choose if she wants to go with them. Choices are hard.
Why did they plant an entire field of beans? You only need one bean to make a portal! There must be thousands of beans in that field. That’s thousands of beans that could fall into the wrong hands.
Aaannnnddd, Regina ends up finding the bean patch and stealing some beans. Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
Alright, I’ll bite, which one of the rabbit’s holes is it?
Mr. Gold goes looking for Belle, and he finds her in The Rabbit Hole, the world’s tamest sleazy bar.
Seriously, The Rabbit Hole is well-lit and clean. The patrons are well-dressed and nice. There’s even a nice, homey fireplace. There’s nothing about the place that is actually sleazy, but the audience is supposed to believe that it’s a “vile place” anyway.
Trouble with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for POOL!
But, wait, oh no! Belle isn’t Belle anymore! She’s playing pool, the most evil sport there is, and you can see her bra, the most evil article of clothing there is. She’s evil. EVIL!
Belle is Lacey now and Lacey like two things: getting frisky and getting drunk.
Seriously, Lacey is an alcoholic. Every time we see her, she is drinking. It’s to the audience that she is a bit of a bad person.
Hey, shouldn’t Lacey be traumatized from 28 years in the hospital’s basement? No. Shut up. She doesn’t even remember any of that.
Anyhoo, Mr. Gold needs to get Lacey to fall in love with him, so he can give her True Love’s Kiss™ and have Belle’s memories to her. The only problem is that Mr. Gold is reformed now, so that his son will like him again and Lacey doesn’t like Nice Guys™.
Hey, remember Sneezy? He doesn’t!
Hey, everyone, chill out! The writers totally remember that Sneezy lost his memory too and they included a shot of Mr. Clark to prove it. I think he’s better and more hygienic as Mr. Clark though. Maybe they shouldn’t give him his memories back.
This guy has evil hair.
Well, I hope that none of you became too attached to the Sheriff of Nottingham. It looks like he’s among the many characters that are introduced and then killed-off in the same episode.
Mr. Gold goes on a date with Lacey, but he acts too sweet and kind and lame, so she ditches him and goes to the alleyway to make-out with the Sheriff of Nottingham’s Storybrooke alterego, Keith. Mr. Gold catches them and it causes him to have a sadness. Lacey is just too different from Belle.
Later, Keith meets up with Mr. Gold to apologize. Mr. Gold is in a really foul mood though, so he starts to beat the crud out of Keith with his cane. Lacey catches him and tells him not to stop because she like it. Lacey is turned-on by violence. Lacey likes Bad Boys ™.
Keith is probably dead now.
If the fandom doesn’t start calling the Rumpelstiltskin/Lacey pairing “Racey”, I’m going to be very upset.
“The Package”
In this episode, Tamara and Greg refer mysteriously to “the package” without revealing what “the package” is. You know, because when people are all alone and they aren’t worried that someone is listening in, they’ll still speak in code because it is fun. Jeeze, can’t people just have some fun once in a while. Gah.
Well, at the end of the episode it’s revealed that “the package” is actually Captain Hook, because the writers needed to find a way to get him from New York to Maine and the answer was inside Greg Mendell’s trailer.
Captain Hook’s new nickname is now “The Package”. (Because “package” is a euphemism for penis and Captain Hook has a penis.)
SPOILER ALERT! Oh, man, you would just not believe how many spoilers that this post has. It’s just so many spoilers.
Oi, did you miss an episode of season 2 of Once Upon a Time? Well, now is a good time for you to catch up, because there are no new episodes until April 21st, and, luckily for you, I’ve compiled this handy-dandy catch up guide with important plot points from each episode.
All episode titles link to posts that I wrote about that episode and character names link to the tag archive for that character.
Regina is mark for death-by-wraith by Rumpelstiltskin and, in an attempt to save her, Emma and Snow White are transported to the Enchanted Forest by Jefferson’s hat, which is subsequently destroyed barring them from returning.
Henry no longer trusts his adoptive mother, Regina, and goes to live with his grandfather, David.
In the past Enchanted Forest, Snow White is kidnapped by King George who poisons her so that she cannot have a child.
King George’s men also shoot Prince Charming’s mother with a poison arrow.
Snow White, Lancelot, Prince Charming and his mother all travel Lake Nostos for a cure, but there is only enough water left there to heal one person.
Prince Charming’s mother pretends to drink the healing water and Lancelot secretly puts the healing water in Snow White’s goblet.
Prince Charming’s mother sacrifices her life to cure Snow White and lives just long enough to see Snow White and Prince Charming get married, which was her dearest wish.
In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Snow White and Emma are trapped in a prison with Cora.
Lancelot, having recognized Snow White from their past dealing frees them from the prison and they go off in search of the wardrobe that brought Emma to our world.
They find the wardrobe, but it turns out that Lancelot was really Cora in disguise and they have to destroy the wardrobe to keep her from getting her hands on it.
In Storybrooke, Jefferson is reunited with his daughter and David has trouble dealing with his new job of taking care of Henry.
In Storybrooke, Moe attempts to get his daughter, Belle, over the townline to erase her memories of her love for Rumpelstiltskin, but Rumpelstiltskin saves her at the last second.
In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Cora shows a bottle of the ashes from the wardrobe to Captain Hook and they start hatching a plan to get to Storybrooke.
In the past Enchanted Forest, Rumpelstiltskin stages an elaborate ruse wherein Regina is made to think that Dr. Frankenstein could possibly bring Daniel back to life with one of Regina’s stolen hearts, but Frankenstein secretly doesn’t even try and keeps the magical heart for his own purposes. Regina, her heart broken and darkened, is then open to learning dark magic from Rumpelstiltskin.
In Storybrooke, Dr. Frankenstein steals one of the hearts from Regina’s vault and uses to resurrect Daniel for real this time, but Daniel comes back as a monster.
In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Snow White, Emma, Mulan and Aurora meet Captian Hook who tells them that he may know a way back to Storybrooke, a magical compass at the top of a giant beanstalk.
In the past, Emma is a thief and she falls in love with a fellow thief named “Neal Cassidy“.
August Booth meets alone with Neal and convinces him that Emma, in order to fulfill her special destiny, must be rehabilitated from her life of crime and he convinces Neal to rat Emma out for a crime that she didn’t commit so that she will be thrown in jail, because jail will straighten her out or something.
In the present-day Enchanted Forest, Emma climbs the the beanstalk, retrieves the magic compass, decides to spare the giant’s life and leaves Captain Hook chained up in the giant’s castle.
Aurora has been having nightmares ever since she was woken from the sleeping curse.
Henry is also having nightmares after coming out of his sleeping curse
In the past Enchanted Forest, while on the run from the Evil Queen, Red gets split up from Snow White and runs into her mother who Granny said was dead.
Red’s mother and her wolf pack teach Red how to control her wolf form.
Snow White finds Red, but accidentally leads some of the Evil Queen’s men to the wolves’ lair and they kill one of the pack.
Red’s mother believes the death is Snow White’s fault and wants Red to kill her. Red and her mother fight instead and the mother is accidentally killed in the process.
In Storybrooke, the dwarves have found fairy dust and they think that it can be used to fix Jefferson’s hat.
Albert Spencer frames Ruby for the murder of Billy and uses the the resultant distraction to steal Jefferson’s hat and destroy it.
OI! If you haven’t seen episodes 10 and 11 of season 2 of Once Upon a Time, then you might not want to read this.
I don’t really have much to say about these episodes, other than that they seemed to be mostly about time-wasting and stalling the storyline.
The Cricket Game stalls the “Regina’s Redemption” storyline, by making it look like she murdered Archie/Jiminy, but she really didn’t and everyone finds out that she didn’t really commit murder in the very next episode thereby making this episode completely pointless. But, I guess we have to see Regina suffer a bit more because DRAMA.
The Outsider stalls the “Rumpelstiltskin and Baelfire Reunion” storyline, by first taking Rumpel’s magical macguffin that lets him leave town and keep his memory and then having Captain Hook shoot Belle across the town border and having her lose her memory. So, now Rumpelstilskin has to stay in Storybrooke and look after Belle for a couple of episodes, instead of looking for Baelfire, I’m betting.
Some Problems:
Hook has never seen a modern gun before. How was he so sure that the bullet would only make Belle stumble over the townline and not, in fact, kill her?
How come nobody seems to care anymore that Sneezy the dwarf has lost his memory? They seemed really keen to fix that earlier and now nobody seems to remember it even happening.
Why do the characters on this show always leave their enemies alive? They mow through various underlings, henchmen and mooks without a care in the world, but when it comes to taking the big boss down, they always develop morals, all of a sudden. Hey, henchmen have families too, you know?
Anyway, next episode looks like it’s going to be a Victor Frankenstein episode. I hope that they bring back Sexy Igor!
“SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen episode 9 of season 2 of Once Upon a Time, then you might not want to read this!
This was the fall finale of Once Upon a Time, and, boy, did they cram a lot of stuff in it.
There was something about magical squid ink, again, alluding to a possible confrontation with the little mermaid.
It turns out the Emma has a magical heart, because she is a true love baby, so it cannot be taken out of her chest. The means that almost all of the other characters aren’t true love babies, since they all seem to have removable hearts. I wonder how they feel finding out that their parents didn’t truly love eachother?
Charming was let out of his sleeping curse after only spending about an afternoon in it, so, that was nice.
At the end there was some jazz about Emma and Snow using the only portal out of The Fairytale Land That Was, thereby preventing Cora and Hook from getting to Storybrooke, but, somehow, Cora and Hook managed to get to Storybrooke in the last second of the episode, anyway.
Yay, even the bad guys get their problem immediately fixed in this show.
Bleh, I had more than this written up about this episode, but Windows did one of those automatic shutdowns and I lost it. Bleh.
