My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E06 “Ariel”

SPOILER ALERT! THIS EPISODE CONTAINS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CGI!

This week on Once Upon a Time, Snow White goes to the prom with a freaky fish lady.

a screencap of snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) and the mermaid ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) hanging out on some rocks
Surf & Turf

So, Snow White jumps into the sea to escape Regina’s men and then Ariel the mermaid saves her from drowning. They become fast friends.

It turns out that Ariel fell in love at first sight with the human Prince Eric, but she’s afraid that they can never be together on account of the whole being a mermaid that must live in water thing.

Why is it that every female character on this has to have a backstory that’s all about true love and trying to have a “happily ever after”? Are they not allowed to deviate from the Disney movie formula?

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin)
Legs prominently featured

In this universe Ursula is a goddess, instead of a witch, and once a year at the highest possible tide, she grants mermaids the ability to transform their fins into legs. It just so happens that the highest tide coincides with Prince Eric’s Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, so Ariel takes this opportunity to go to the dance and meet with Eric.

a screecap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher) and prince eric (played by gill mckinney)
Is that Princess Jasmine on the right?

It turns out that Eric is madly in love with Ariel as well. Eric is leaving the next day to explore the world and he invites Ariel to join him, but, OH NO! Ariel’s legs with have reverted to fins by then.

It’s interesting to not that Eric says that one of the places he is going to visit is Agrabah and at that exact moment there is a woman in blue with her midriff showing, just like Princess Jasmine. I also wonder if they are just namedropping Agrabah, or is this is going to connect to Jafar and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland eventually?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) talking to an imposter belled (played by emilie de ravin)
Stop talking to your hallucinations!

Back in the present-day Neverland, Rumpelstiltskin is still just kind of hanging around and being a nutbar by himself, that is, until Peter Pan shows up again to try and demoralize him. Peter Pan tells Rumpelstiltskin that he should give up on trying to save Henry, because Rumpelstiltskin will die in the process and that he should go home to Belle and start a new family with her, because she “looks fertile”. Ick. Ick. Ick. No, Lost Boys should never comment on a woman’s fetility. It grosses me out. How does Peter Pan know anything about Belle or Rumpelstiltskin’s life in Storybrooke, anyway?

And then the hallucination Belle shows up and is all like, “Yeah, Rumple, you should listen to Pan. I’m hella fertile. Your current family sucks anyway.”

a screencap of peter pan's shadow (played by CGI)
I hate this thing.

Regina interrupts and reveals that the hallucination Belle was really Peter Pan’s shadow the whole time. That’s a bit gross. Didn’t Rumpelstiltskin and hallucination Belle kiss at some point? This means that Pan’s shadows has probably been relaying everything that Rumpelstilskin has been saying, you know, via charades or something, and that ain’t good.

I also wonder what Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow has been up to. We haven’t seen it since he cut it off. Can Rumpelstiltskin’s shadow shapeshift like Peter Pans? What happened to the shadow that we saw Pan tear out of Greg Mendell?

Anyway, Regina convinces Rumpelstiltskin that they should join forces, because wandering around in circles in the jungle with the Charmings has gotten really, really annoying. They need to rescue Henry and go do something more interesting.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) transformed into ursula the sea goddess
Girl, you are looking fabulous!

Back to the fishy mermaid story of lovey dovey. Regina has been spying on Snow White and Ariel and she devises yet another plan to kill Snow White that will of course not work. We already know that Snow White survives to the present, so there is never any tension in these stories about her and Regina’s past.

Anyway, Regina disguises herself as Ursula so that she can trick Ariel into joining her in her evil plan, also because it’s just too fun to look that fabulous and ham it up.

a screencap of ariel (played by joanna garcia swisher), regina (played by lana parrilla) and snow white (played by ginnifer goodwin) transformed into a mermaid
A Poor Unfortunate Soul

Regina gives Ariel a magical bracelet to put on Snow White that gives Ariel legs and changes Snow White’s legs into fins, unfortunately, since Snow White has no idea how use fins, this leaves her helpless. Snow White is completely at Regina’s mercy now, but instead of killing Snow White right away, which would be the smart thing to do, Regina drags it out and gives Ariel enough time to grab a fork to stab her with.

Ariel takes the bracelet off Snow White, which means that she loses her legs and won’t be able to go on the journey with Eric. Snow White convinces Ariel to tell Eric about her fishiness, because, who knows? Maybe Eric is into that kind of thing. Regina steals Ariel’s voice at the last second though, so she will never be able to tell Eric the truth.

Fast forward to present day, Regina returns Ariel’s voice to her and says that will give Ariel legs and reunite her with Eric, if she does a favour for her. You see mermaids can travel between realms (the Hell?) and they need a magical doohickey from Mr. Gold’s store in Storybrooke. Yay! We’re going back to Storybrooke!

So, mermaids can just spontaneously open portals between worlds or something? That’s really dang useful. You’d figure that Regina or Rumpelstiltskin would have captured one and be keeping it in a tank in their basement for emergencies.

a screencap of neal (played by  michael raymond-james) hugging emma (played by jennifer morrison)
And then the “Captain Swan” fans grabbed their torches and pitchforks.

So, what have the Charmings and Captain Hook been doing this whole time?

Well, it turns out that Captain Hook really is a good guy and he tells them right away that Neal is alive and in Neverland, even though this means that he’ll have to stop macking on Emma. Emma says that the only reason she kissed Hook was because she was bored or something and she likes messing with people’s emotions.

Neal is in the middle of a magical pit that can only be crossed if everyone reveals a dark secret they’ve been hiding. That evil, evil Peter Pan, making everyone tell the truth. Who does he think he is?

So, everyone’s deep dark secret:

  • Hook kissed Emma and he’s was afraid to admit that this means he’s moved on from his dead love, Milah.
  • Mary Margaret is upset because she isn’t really getting that mother-daughter experience that she wanted with Emma and when they get home to Storybrooke, she want’s to start over again with a new baby.
  • We already know David’s secret. He can’t leave Neverland because he had his dreamshade poisoning cured by the magic spring, so he can’t have a baby with Margaret in Storybrooke.
  • And Emma’s secret is that she was hoping that Neal really was dead, because she was afraid of facing all the hurt that Neal caused her. Emma is just in general really bad at dealing with emotions

So, after Neal and Emma are back together, he tells her that he’ll never stop fighting for her, except he totally did already. Doesn’t he remember how he fell in love with Tamara and got engaged to her?

Hey, we never found out who was in that other cage from last week. Bleh. I hate waiting.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E05 “Good Form”

SPOILER ALERT! THIS POST IS IMAGE  HEAVY! RUN!

So, in this episode, we learn that child abuse is A-OK, well, as long as you believe that you have a good reason to be doing it, that is.

a screencap of henry (played by jared s. gilmore) swordfighting with lost boy devin (played by skyler gisondo)
KILL! KILL! KILL!

Peter Pan is trying to turn Henry into a little bastard and it seems to be working out pretty okay. He orders Henry to swordfight another child and Henry launches into it with enthusiastic vigor and such.

a screencap of devin (played by skyler gisondo) with a cut on his cheek
You’ve just made an enemy for life, kid.

And then he “accidentally” cuts the kid’s cheek and suddenly the swordfighting game isn’t fun anymore.

Well, you know how it is with these kids, once they’ve gotten a taste for blood, they’re no good anymore. I’m afraid that we’re going to have to put Henry down, for everyone’s safety.

a screencap of captain liam jones (played by bernard curry) and his brother lieutenant killian jones (played by colin o'donoghue)
Brohams

So, back in the past, Captain Hook, or Killian Jones, as he was known in those days, was a fine, upstanding citizen, a lieutenant in the King’s Nazy in fact. Which king, you ask? Errr… You know the king-guy with the crown and stuff, whose name and the country he runs aren’t important.

Also, his captain is his brother, Liam Jones. Don’t get too attached to him.

Anyway, nameless king-guy sends the Jones brothers on a mission to retrieve some dreamshade from Neverland. The king says that dreamshade is a panacea, but we already know that it is in fact the opposite, on account of that Charming dude being poisoned by it 5 years ago and taking his sweet time dying from it.

Poor little flying horsey...
Poor little flying horsey…

To make it possible for their ship to get to Neverland they murdered Hercules’ winged horse, Pegasus, and used the feathers from its wings to make a special sail. Hercules is going to be pissed when he finds out about that.

I hope Hercules shows up and he’s played by Kevin Sorbo. Also, he kills everyone and this show just becomes Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. I liked that show.

a screencap of a flying ship
Weeeeeeeee!

The Pegasus feather sail makes the ship fly through the air, but how does that make sense? The feathers made Pegasus fly because, well, they were attached to its freaking wings. I guess in the magic world you can just staple feathers to anything and it will start floating, because to Hell with the laws of aerodynamics. MAGIC!

a screencap of a magical golden sextant with an image of a pegasus on it
Pretty!

Mystery king-guy gave the Joneses a magical sextant to find Neverland. Now, sextants are used to navigate by looking through them at the constellations, you know, at nightthe they use this one during broad daylight. I guess that’s it magical power, that you can see the stay through it, even during the day. Also, sextants are really just measuring tools. You measure between a known star and the horizon to get your location. You still need an actual map and coordinates when you’re using a sextant, but, hey, whatever, IT’S MAGIC.

No “second star to the right” is not a coordinate. To the right of what, I ask you? To the right of what!?

a screencap of captain liam jones (played by bernard curry) and lieutenant killain jones (played by colin o'donoghue) pointing their swords at peter pan (played by robbie kay)
Aaah! It’s a threatening child! Be on your guard!

When they get to Neverland, Peter Pan shows up and is all like, “Hey, stupids, dreamshade is really a poison.”, but Liam is all like, “Nuh-uh, king-guy wouldn’t lie to us. I hate you, you stupid kid. Stop bad-mouthing king-guy.”

Liam then tries to prove that dreamshade isn’t really a poison by stabbing himself with its thorns, because, apparently, he was too lazy and stupid to find a squirrel or some other critter to test it on and he promptly dies.

Peter Pan shows up again and leads Killian to a magical spring that can heal anything, but fails to tell Killian that one must stay on Neverland or the effects of the springs will wear off and the person will die, so, after Killian resurrects Liam and they head home to wherever, Liam just ends up dying again. And that is why Captain Hook hates Peter Pan, apparently, because Peter Pan tried to warn them about the dreamshade and then gave Killian a few extra moments with his brother, when he could have just rubbed his nose in it for not listening to him about the dreamshade.

Everyone keeps saying that Peter Pan is a monster, but the only people we’ve seen him kill were very annoying and other than that, he just seems to want to teach people important life lessons.

a screencap of the dreamshade poison spreading on the chest of david (played by josh dallas)
That ain’t good…

Back in present day, Prince Charming is still dying very slowly from the dreamshade poisoning and he still won’t tell his family about it, because he is a gigantic, crazy dummy.

Captain Hook lies to Charming that the magical sextant, which could be used to find their way home, is still on the island, when he really just chucked it into the sea. He’s really leading Charming to the magical healing spring, not the sextant. Anyway, Charming is healed now, but he can’t leave the island without dying.

Charming tells his family that Hook saved his life, but he lies about the circumstances. He says that Hook save him from Lost Boys. He doesn’t tell them that he can’t leave the island now. It’s alright when Charming lies, because he’s one of the good guys and good guy tell good lies.

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) offering a chocolate bar to devin (played by skyler gisondo)
Always take candy from strangers.

Speaking of Lost Boys, Regina and Emma capture the Lost Boy who Henry had injured earlier. Regina offers him candy, if he leads them to Henry, but the lost boy isn’t having any of that, so Emma wraps her hands around the child’s throat and threatens him. It’s a really awful and uncomfortable scene.

I think it was a really bad idea for the writers to make the Lost Boys evil. Having the Lost Boys fight and defeat adult pirates is fun because it’s a subversion of the power imbalance between children and adults that we have in the real world. Having adults fight children and win isn’t fun at all, because that’s how things always work out in the real world. Really, what are we going to be saying to ourselves at the end of all of this? “Yay! Our heroes defeated the small, orphaned and lost children! Huzzah!”

a screencap of regina (played by lana parrilla) controlling a child's heart
Should have taken the candy, kid.

When Emma’s threatening and menacing of the 4-foot-tall child don’t work, Regina rips out the child’s heart and uses it to control the kid. They send the Lost Boy back to Pan’s camp with a magic mirror so they can tell Henry, “Hey, son-guy, we’re here to save you and junk, so don’t despair.”

a screencap of emma (played by jennifer morrison) kissing captain hook (played by colin o'donoghue)
And the fangirls went wild!

And then Emma kisses Hook, because he saved her father’s life or something. She didn’t really seam to be that into it, which was weird.

Peter Pan, of course, has to show up and ruin Captain Hook’s fun. He tells Hook  and only Hook, that Neal is still alive and is in Neverland at that very moment. Will Hook keep this information to himself so he can keep macking on Emma with impunity? Neal was his surrogate son for a while, you’d think Hook would rush right to save Neal. I bet he’s going to keep it a secret. Hook likes making out more than he likes Neal.

a screencap of two cages,one of which holds neal and the other holds a mystery person
WHAT’S IN THE BOX!?

The Lost Boys shoved Neal into a box next to another box with a mystery person in it. Who it this mystery person? Is is someone we have already met? I bet it’s Rumpestiltskin’s father.

So, kids, how are they going to get Charming off of Neverland without him dying? I bet it’s something like, because Peter Pan created Neverland with his mind, he basically is Neverland and then Charming will become his father figure and since Peter will always be in his heart, Charming will take a piece of Neverland with him wherever he goes, or something cheesy like that.

Recap: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland S01E03 “Forget Me Not”

YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY, THIS POST IS FULL OF SPOILERS!

This episode is all about how important it is to let go o the past and move forward, unless, you’re Alice, in which case you never let go of your past love and you talk about how wonderful and perfect it was all the time to make your lovelorn best friend, the Knave of Hearts, feel terrible.

a screencap of robin hood (played by sean maguire) and will scarlet (played by michael socha)
Everybody is connected to everybody!

So, it turns out that the Knave of Hearts was originally Will Scarlet, one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men, because EVERYBODY MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS! Well… He was one of the Merry Men for about two days, just enough time for them to help him break into Maleficent’s castle so that he could steal a magic looking glass. Maleficent’s castle didn’t have any guards and seemed pretty deserted, but he need them anyhow.

I was pretty bummed that it seemed like Kristin Bauer van Straten literally phoned in her performance in this episode, because all we get of her is her voice. If they couldn’t actually get Kristin to show up for this episode, then why did it even have to be Maleficent’s castle at all, they could have used a new witch. Hopefully, they’re just reminding us that Maleficent exist because she has a bigger role in an upcoming episode.

I dislike that the are relying so heavily on characters from their parent show, Once Upon a Time, I would like for Once Upon a Time in Wonderland to stand more on its own.

a screencap of the caterpillar (voiced by iggy pop)
Who are you?

In the present, the Knave of Heart and Alice are still searching for the genies bottle. They need to know who stole it, if they are find it, but there weren’t any clues left behind. If only they could look into the past! Well, they can! Yay! All they need is the Forget-Me-Knot, a magical rope that lets you see the last thing that happened at any spot. So, it should just show them themselves looking into the empty hole and looking disappointed since that is the last thing that happened there, or, you know, a butterfly that flew near the hole or any number of random things that could have happened near the hole subsequently, but, whatever, stop questioning to overly convenient magical dealies, Laurel.

Alice and the Knave travel to Underland, which is like Wonderland, only underground and rife with hashish abuse, to get the Forget-Me-Knot from the evil Caterpillar. Well, it turns out that he doesn’t have it. He wants it, though, and he’s willing to consider the Knave’s debts to him erased, if they let him have the Forget-Me-Knot, after they are done using it.

a creencap of a screaming severed head (played by bob phipps)
Aaaaaaaaah!

If they fail to retrieve the Forget-Me-Knot for the Caterpillar, however, then it’s off with the Knave’s head.

Why is everyone in Wonderland so obsessed with taking other people’s heads? Are they like Princess Langwidere from Ozma of Oz and they put different heads on their shoulders like fashion accessories?

a screencap of grendel (played by steve bacic)
Woof.

The Forget-Me-Knot is at Grendel’s house. Is it the “Grendel” from the Old English poem, Beowulf? Um, I sure hope not? Although, if he is, that means that his brother is a dragon and that might be fun.

Meanwhile, Jafar and the Red Queen take time out of their busy day of looking fabulous and flirting to send a monster after Alice, so that she’ll be forced to use one of her wishes. One of the monsters they consider using is the Sarlacc from Return of the Jedi. They need to stop dropping shout-outs like that and straight up have a Jedi on, otherwise I’m going to explode. Anyhoo, they decide instead on the Frumious Bandersnatch, which is an actual thing from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and not some other unrelated story, so they get extra points from me for doing that.

a screencap of a younger grendel (played by steve bacic) and his wife (played by catherine michaud)
What a cute couple. It would be a shame if something happened to them.

Grendel had been using the Forget-Me-Knot to stare at his lost wife all day, because everybody’s backstory has to have something about true love in it. The Knave of Hearts uses his pain from loosing his love, Anastasia, to empathize with Grendel and get him on their side, so that after they defeat the Bandersnatch he decides to give them the Forget-Me-Knot.

And then Alice and the Knave of Hearts use the Forget-Me-Knot to find out that the White Rabbit is a turncoat for the Red Queen and that it was he that dug up the genie’s bottle. They should have been able to guess that, though. I mean, really, burrowing into the ground is kind of the White Rabbit’s thing.

 screencap of will scarlet (played by micael socha) and his love, anastasia (played by emma rigby)
What a cute couple. It would be a shame if something happened to them.

So, long story short, it turns out that the Red Queen was Anastasia in the past, because EVERYBODY MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS. She and Will Scarlet used the looking glass he stole to get to Wonderland. Sometime between then and now they had a falling out and she took over Wonderland and became the Red Queen. I wonder if they were able to get Barbara Hershey to play the Queen of Hearts in a future episode? I want to see Will Scarlet become the Queen of Heart’s Knave and then see how he reacts when it turns out he choose the wrong side and his old love, Anastasia, defeats the Queen.

One other thing: when are we going to find out who the guy who is sharing the dungeon with Cyrus is? He can’t just be some random prisoner. Everybody on this show has to be some fairy tale character.

Rehash: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. S01E01 “Pilot”

SPOILER ALERT! IT WAS BEHIND THE COUCH THE WHOLE TIME! SPOILER ALERT!

Hey, did you like that movie, The Avengers? Would you like to see something like that, but with different actors that don’t charge as much? OF COURSE YOU WOULD!

a screencap of a little kid looking at some avengers action figures
Yeah, I wish this show was about those guys instead too, kid.

Remember Agent Coulson from recent movies in the Marvel universe? Well, he’s back from the dead and ready to assemble a new sexy, sexy team of crimefighting sexy people. This time they don’t have super powers, though.

This episode was pretty much just about meeting all the members of the team and learning a bit about them. Not a whole lot else happens. They just go on a little mission and we see a bit of their personality and skillset. I understand why this type of episode is necessary, but I don’t really find them that interesting.

“Here’s so-and-so. This is the job they do. Well, on to the next guy”, over and over again. There will be more in depth character development in future episodes. There always is.

We also meet the team’s vehicles and doohickeys. I bet there’s a toyline that ties into this show.

It is said that this team is “level 7”, which is apparently about The Avenger’s security clearance. It’s a plot device that basically means that this show’s universe won’t necessarily overlap that much with the one from the movies. It’s a bit sad, because I bet that means that the characters from this show won’t even get a cameo in the future movies.

Did I miss it, or does the team not have an official name? Are they just “level 7” or “the agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”?

For some reason it really bugs me that their headquarters is inside a plane.

I hear that there’s a few significant changes between the pilot and subsequent episodes, so let’s see how that goes. Excelsior!

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S03E04 “Nasty Habits”

SPOILER ALERT! THIS POST IS ABOUT THE FOURTH EPISODE OF THE THIRD SEASON OF ONCE UPON A TIME, “NASTY HABITS”.

IN THIS EPISODE: IT’S A DADDY ISSUES FIRE SALE! ALL DADDY ISSUES MUST GO! FREE ANGST WITH EVERY PURCHASE!

a screencap of felix (played by parker croft) and neal (played by michael raymond james) walking through the woods
Felix is the worst!

In the beginning of the episode, Felix is leading Neal through the woods, while being a smarmy weirdo and  I was all like, “Crud, this is going to be a Felix-heavy episode, isn’t it?”

Incidentally, that wooden club that Felix carries looks to be an Irish weapon called a “shillelagh”. I’m now going to assume that Felix is the world’s tallest leprechaun, because EVERYBODY ON THIS SHOW MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS.

a screenacap of neal (played by michael raymond-james) punching felix (played by parker croft)
YAY!

Anyway, then Neal punched Felix in his stupid face and all was well.

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) applying warpaint
The hunt is on.

Meanwhile, Rumpelstiltskin was tripping balls in the woods and painting his face like he was a war veteran, with post-traumatic stress disorder, having flashbacks.

He’s still having hallucinations of Belle, which is weird. Is there an external cause for his visions, or is he just nuts?

HalluciBelle is the most emotionally-needy, annoying hallucination ever. I hope we get back to Storybrooke soon to hang out with the real Belle and she does something other than talk about Rumpelstiltskin all the time. Belle isn’t a real character anymore. She’s just a prop in Rumpelstiltskin’s story, but, then again, isn’t that everyone on this show now?

As it turns out, even Peter Pan is connected to Rumpelstiltskin’s story. Peter Pan and Rumpelstiltskin were friends as children, but they had a falling-out. Peter betrayed Rumpelstiltskin. Years later, Peter Pan, as the Pied Piper of Hamlin (EVERYBODY ON THIS SHOW MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS!), used a magically flute that can only be heard boys with daddy issues, to draw away Baelfire away from Rumpelstiltskin in an attempt to kidnap him. Baelfire’s daddy issues, of course, centre around the fact that his dad is an evil, murderous and cowardly control freak.

So, Peter Pan is also the Pied Piper of Hamlin? That means that his pan flute also summons rats, right? Is Neverland full of rats, then? Can Peter Pan make the rats do his bidding? Is Peter Pan the cause of the Black Death?

What is the reason that Peter Pan only wants boys, anyway? Is his one weakness cooties?

Anyone want to bet that Peter Pan used to have the Heart of the Truest Believer, but his evil deeds blackened his heart? Pan says that he built Neverland out of his dreams, but he doesn’t seem to have that power anymore and he says that Henry does. Can you use magic to switch hearts between two people?

a screencap of rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) and baelfire (played by michael raymond-james) fighting a giant squid
Ursula?

Neal and Rumpelstiltskin are reunited once again. Neal blows into the wrong end of a conch shell to summon a giant squid. Squid ink can be used to paralyze magic-users. The use it to freeze Pan and steal back Henry, who thankfully spent most of this episode asleep and not talking.

Neal learns of the prophecy that the a boy will be the undoing of the Dark One. Both Neal and Rumpelstiltskin believe that this “boy” is Henry, so Neal uses the squid ink on Rumpelstiltskin, because he trust him not to hurt Henry, what with Rumpelstiltskin’s evil past an all.

Why is everyone assuming that the “boy” is Henry and that “undoing” means death? There’s a whole island of Lost Boys and any one of them could be the “boy”. And “undoing” could mean anything really. Maybe it just means that the Dark One will be turned back into a regular man.

The Last Alliance of Heroes and Villains did some stuff too. Prince Charming is still very slowly dying of dreamshade poison and they found a star chart that leads back to Earth that Neal built out of a coconut shell, which, unfortunately, is in a code that only Neal can read.

How did Neal make that star chart, anyway? Was he some sort of geometry-wizard-astrophysicist-wunderkind as a child? Wouldn’t the stars on Neverland be completely different from the ones on Earth? Is Neverland  in the same galaxy as Earth? Is Neverland on Earth? Did Neal use a spaceship to escape Neverland? Did Neal use to own the Millennium Falcon and then he sold it to Lando Calrissian to buy an apartment in New York?

Is Rumpelstiltskin a Sith Lord?

Recap: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland S01E02 “Trust Me”

SPOILER ALERT! THIS CONTAINS SPOILER FOR THE SECOND EPISODE OF SEASON 1 OF ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND, “TRUST ME”.

In this episode, it’s Jafar and the Red Queen VS Alice and the Knave of Hearts, in an epic race to locate Cyrus’ genie bottle. Well, when I say, “race” what I mean is “leisurely jaunt through the woods of Vancouver”.

Incidentally, putting giant foam mushrooms randomly amongst the trees doesn’t really make it look like a mystical land, but I appreciate that they tried and it is better than bad CGI backgrounds.

a screencap of the red queen (played by emma rigby) flanked by tweedledee and tweedledum (played by matty finochio and ben cotton) the tweedles have ziggy stardust makeup on their faces
Tweedle-Ziggy and Tweedle-Stardust

Why do Tweedledee and Tweedledum have Ziggy Stardust lightning bolts on their faces? I mean, it’s fabulous! But why?

Jafar and the Red Queen want the genie’s bottle because it will allow Jafar to break the laws of magic. The laws of magic are: You can’t kill anyone; You can’t bring anyone by from the dead; You can’t change the past; And, you can’t make anyone fall in love. Except, we’ve seen these laws being broken. In this very episode, Jafar uses his magic to turn a bunch of peasants into dust, killing them. We’ve seen the White Rabbit and Jefferson from Once Upon a Time each open portals through time, so you can change the past. Dr. Frankenstein from Once Upon a Time also used magical hearts to raise the dead. I guess the laws only apply to genie magic? Jafar and the Red Queen must want to use magic to make someone fall in love with them, because I think that’s the only magic law we haven’t seen broken in this universe. They, of course, can’t say why they are doing the evil things they’re doing, almost as though they know they’re on a television show and that they have to pad things out for several episodes by being vague.

a screencap of the red queen (played by emma rigby) and jafar (played by naveen andrews) hanging out with some roses
She’s busy flower arranging! Stop interrupting her, Jafar!

Jafar is keeping Cyrus in a silver cage, because genies are allergic to silver, apparently. I have never heard of genies having any weaknesses before. Hopefully, Cyrus is half vampire and will go on a crazy murderous, bloodsucking rampage soon.

I wish that Cyrus was actually a sinister character, like he was tricking Alice into falling in love with him, so that she’d wish for his freedom, but it’s just doe-eyes and romantic quips with this guy.

a screencap of alice (played by sophie lowe) stabbing the mock turtle
WHAT DID THE MOCK TURTLE EVER DO TO YOU?

Alice wants the genie bottle, because, after she makes her three wishes, Cyrus will be sucked back into his bottle and then they can be all kissy kissy magical in lovey dovey again.

I’m starting to really dislike the Alice and Cyrus romance, mostly because there wasn’t an actual romance. They just fell in love in love at first sight because they are both pretty, and now they’re slavishly devoted to eachother. It reminds me of Anakin and Padme in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.

When they get Cyrus back, Alice wants the Knave of Hearts to wish for Cyrus’ freedon. Note: Alice wasn’t willing to wish for Cyrus’ freedom, because wishes always have a bad reaction in equal magnitude to the wish and wishing for a genie’s freedom is a big wish. Who cares if something bad happens to the Knave of Hearts after he wishes for Cyrus’ freedom, though? Alice doesn’t seem to care about anything other than her and Cyrus. For example: she was so fixated on getting to the bottle as fast as possible, that she stabs and threatens a poor giant mock turtle to take her to it. The poor turtle was just hanging out in a lake, seemingly asleep, and a crazy girl wakes it up by stabbing it in the neck. USE YOUR WORDS, ALICE!

Poor Knave of Hearts, too. He has to hear constantly about Alice’s epic romance and apparently he lost a love named Anastasia, in the past. I hope that this “Anastasia” is actually Anastasia Romanov, daughter of Tsar Nicolas II of Russia, and we get some sweet Rasputin action. Maybe, Jafar is also Rasputin. Everybody must be at least two things!

Anyway, long story short, the Red Queen ends up with the genie’s bottle, because the White Rabbit was randomly hiding behind a bush when Alice and Cyrus were burying it. Yep.

Oh, and one other thing, Alice says that her mother died in childbirth. I never trust these shows when somebody dies off-screen, hell, not even when they die on-screen. I bet that Alice’s mother isn’t really dead and that her mother’s disappearance has something to do with why Alice was led to Wonderland in the first place.

*UPDATE* I just remembered that one of the evil stepsisters from Cinderella was named “Anastasia”. That’s a possibility for the Knaves of Hearts lost love as well. I hope they wouldn’t be as obvious as that, though.

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