My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S02E16 “The Miller’s Daughter”

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WARNING! This post contains spoilers for the sixteenth episode of the second season of Once Upon a Time, The Miller’s Daughter. If you haven’t seen that episode, then don’t read this post, lest you be spoiled for all time. Also, I may get a little blue this time round.

This episode made me feel dirty and not in a fun way. It was more of a “why is this network TV show turning all softcore-porny” dirty.

This episode seemed like 12 hours of a creepy imp hardcore macking on Rose McGowan. That’s because that’s what it was. Robert Carlyle’s sexual aura bent time and turned an hour show into 12 hours. This has been proven by finest hobo physicists in the field of hobo physics.

rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) kissing a young cora (played by rose mcgowan)
First he was like…
rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) kissing a young cora (played by rose mcgowan) again
Then he was like…
rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) kissing a young cora (played by rose mcgowan) yet again
And then the fangirls grabbed their torches and pitchforks and marched on the ABC studios.

I don’t think Robert Carlyle was even acting here. I think this was for real. This wasn’t family-friendly. But, hey, you get the chance to get kinda nasty with Rose McGowan, you take it.

Er… So, anyway, I guess I should walk about the plot and stuff.

  • Cora was a miller’s daughter
  • Eva, Snow White’s mom, was mean to Cora because of Cora’s low social standing
  • Rumpelstiltskin helps Cora learn magic through the power of hot making out
  • Cora becomes a duchess or something

Remember how I said that I didn’t think that Rumpelstiltskin was Regina’s father? I think that this episode confirms that. See, Cora and Rumpelstiltskin’s deal was that their first child together would belong to Rumpelstiltskin, but Cora decides to end her relationship with Rumpelstiltskin and marry Henry. Also, if Regina was Rumpelstiltskin’s daughter, he’d have power over her, right? He can’t seem to control Regina at all.

Of course, we’ve seen shapeshifting on this show. Rumpelstiltskin could have just made himself look like Henry and… Doesn’t it count as rape by fraud if you use your magic powers to make a person think that you’re someone you’re not? We need a magic lawyer to sort these things out. Anyway, if he did shapeshift into Henry, then it would be possible for Regina to be his daughter.

Oh, wait, wasn’t it implied in a first season episode that Jefferson was Regina’s half-brother? Maybe, Regina is the child of Cora and Henry, and, Jefferson is the child of Cora and Rumpelstiltskin. It would explain why Jefferson was working for Rumpelstiltskin.

The family trees on this show are already pretty complicated. Would the writer’s want to complicate them even further?

Also, I wish that there weren’t two character’s named “Henry” on  this show. A couple of those above paragraphs are really gross, if you’re thinking about the wrong Henry.

I need to go have myself a lie-down. I’m getting weird.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S02E15 “The Queen is Dead”

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WARNING! WARNING! This post contains spoilers for episode fifteen of season two of Once Upon a Time, The Queen is Dead. Stop reading now, if you haven’t seen the episode. (I don’t actually care if people get spoiled or not. I just like making these annoying disclaimers!)

I actually liked this episode quite a bit. The one thing that I did find irksome was Queen Eva, while wearing a dress that must have been encrusted with enough diamonds to buy a small country, giving a young Snow White a lecture about how everyone is equal.

queen eva (played by rena sofer) wearing a red dress covered in way too many diamonds
Seriously, how do you even wash this thing?

They thing I always like to remember when I’m being told by a work of fiction to root for royalty, is that all their stuff is paid for by taxing their subjects. So, this dress, with its insane amount of jewels, was paid for with money that could have gone to improving sanitation or building a school or any number of public works projects that would have improved the lives of the entire kingdom and not just the queen. Anyone that wastes their people’s money on expensive clothing, lavish balls, multiple castles, tapestries and all the other gaudy royal accoutrements can’t be  a good person in my book.

And they can’t say everyone is equal when they became the leader of a country through nepotism, or, if you will, Divine Right. The system of government in Fairy Tale Land is extremely unfair and often the leaders it produces are unfit for ruling. Being the child of a good ruler doesn’t mean that you will be a good ruler… or maybe it does because of magic and true love and fairy farts. What do I know?

Anyhoo…

DEMOCRACY FOR FAIRY TALE LAND!

Seriously, the characters in Storybrooke have now experienced what it’s like to live in a free democratic society. I don’t know why so many of them seem to want to back to a land filled with autocracies and monarchies.

johanna (played by lesley nicol) trying on snow white's tiara
Enjoy that crown, Johanna, you’re never going to be seen again after this episode!

Actually, I just remembered one other thing that bothered me about this episode, they introduced yet another new character, Johanna, only to have her die in the very same episode. This is like the 20th time that they’ve done this. I think they have to find more uses for existing characters and stop murdering so many guest stars.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S02E14 “Manhattan”

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This post contains spoilers for the fourteenth episode of the second season of Once Upon a Time, Manhattan. If you haven’t watched this episode yet, then you might not want to read this.

Hey, the plot actually progressed in this episode.

I am really tired of the stupid kid.

Anyway, here are some things we discovered in this episode.

  • Rumpelstiltskin busted his own leg
  • Baelfire is Neal Cassidy
  • Henry can’t stay in another room for more than 2 minutes
  • Emma is a “no fate but what we make” type of guy

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S02E13 “Tiny”

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Warning! This post contains spoilers!

anton the giant (played by jorge garcia)
I WANT TO BE BIG!

So, in this episode, we learned that the giant’s name is Anton, his entire family is dead and he’s the last giant, because he is an idiot, just like all the other characters on this show.

Arlo: “Hey, Anton, we have these magical beans that can open portals to other worlds and, thus, unleash horrible destruction on said worlds. Please don’t tell any outsiders where to find the beans.”

Anton: “Shut up Dad! I do what I want. You don’t know me!”

jacqueline the giant-slayer (played by cassidy freeman)
OMG IT’S A LADY! TELL EVERYONE!

Also, OMG, it turns out that Jack the Giant-Slayer is really a lady named Jacqueline. How progressive! Too bad she’s another one of those characters that is introduced and then killed in the very same episode, just like: Gus, Cindarella’s Fairy Godmother, Anita, Milah and probably some others that I’m forgetting. They really need to find some other way to get rid of characters that they don’t need anymore.

So, anyway, since Anton is smaller than giant’s usually are, he is considered a “dwarf” and becomes one of the seven dwarfs. Screw Sneezy and his lost memories. We hate Sneezy now. Just forget that Sneezy ever existed.

Rumpelstiltskin has crossed the townline. He is now magic free and very angry at toilet seat cover dispensers. The modern world frightens and confuses him.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time S02E12 “In the Name of the Brother”

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SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen episode 12 of season 2 of Once Upon a Time, In the Name of the Brother, then you might not want to read this.

We learned something important about Dr. Whale/Victor Frankenstein in this episode. We learned that he is much more fun when he is drunk.

Also, he turned his brother into a sexy monster, or something, and it ended up traumatizing him.

Everything is sexy on this show, especially Sexy Igor.

sexy igor (played by yurij kis) in the black and white land
What hump?

Why does everything on this show have to be so sexy? Igor can’t have a hunch on this show? No, everyone must be beautiful!

Victor Frankenstein (played by
Good as new!

Even when Victor Frankenstein brings his brother, Gerhardt, back from the dead, he’s still sexy. He’s hardly rotten or scarred-up or anything. Methinks you shouldn’t be able to look at Frankenstein’s monster and think, “Hey, that guy’s kind of cute!”, but that’s just my opinion.

rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) kisses belle (played by emilie de ravin) while she is unconscious
Dude! Not cool!

Rumpelstiltskin kissed Belle while she was unconscious and she freaked out.

How does consent for unconscious fairytale kissing work? Is it implied consent if your kiss wakes the person up? Well, Rumpelstiltskin is in the real world here and he should obey the law of the land and the law says that molesting unconscious people is uncool.

rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) kiss cora (played by barbara hershey) to seal a deal
Ew.

Rumpelstiltskin also kisses Cora, because that’s apparently what they used to do in the old days.

The People that make this show want us to think that Rumpelstiltskin is Regina’s real father, but my money is on Rumpelstiltskin not being her father and also having been involved in a romantic relationship with Regina. You know, for that extra “ew” factor.

rumpelstiltskin (played by robert carlyle) pours a pile of gold on the floor of the black and white laboratory of frankenstein (played by david anders)
IT’S THE WRONG COLOUR!

THAT GOLD IS THE WRONG COLOUR FOR THIS UNIVERSE! GOLD IN THIS UNIVERSE IS GREY! EVERYTHING IS GREY! IF YOU TRY TO SPEND THAT GOLD IN THIS UNIVERSE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FREAK OUT BECAUSE THEY ARE SEEING COLOURS THAT THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!

I really don’t know why Victor Frankenstein wasn’t freaking out in this scene. And, really, that gold is unspendable in the black & white universe, seriously.

There was also some jazz about an outsider coming to Storybrooke and everyone is afraid that he’s going to tell the outside world about the town. But, hey, wouldn’t outsiders have had to have been to Storybrooke before, when they were checking on Regina to see if she was a suitable parent for Henry, right?

Why do I keep questioning the logic on this show? It’s pointless. I’m so ashamed of myself.

My Thoughts On: Once Upon a Time Episode S02E10 “The Cricket Game” & Episode S02E11 “The Outsider”

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OI! If you haven’t seen episodes 10 and 11 of season 2 of Once Upon a Time, then you might not want to read this.

I don’t really have much to say about these episodes, other than that they seemed to be mostly about time-wasting and stalling the storyline.

The Cricket Game stalls the “Regina’s Redemption” storyline, by making it look like she murdered Archie/Jiminy, but she really didn’t and everyone finds out that she didn’t really commit murder in the very next episode thereby making this episode completely pointless. But, I guess we have to see Regina suffer a bit more because DRAMA.

The Outsider stalls the “Rumpelstiltskin and Baelfire Reunion” storyline, by first taking Rumpel’s magical macguffin that lets him leave town and keep his memory and then having Captain Hook shoot Belle across the town border and having her lose her memory. So, now Rumpelstilskin has to stay in Storybrooke and look after Belle for a couple of episodes, instead of looking for Baelfire, I’m betting.

Some Problems:

  • Hook has never seen a modern gun before. How was he so sure that the bullet would only make Belle stumble over the townline and not, in fact, kill her?
  • How come nobody seems to care anymore that Sneezy the dwarf has lost his memory? They seemed really keen to fix that earlier and now nobody seems to remember it even happening.
  • Why do the characters on this show always leave their enemies alive? They mow through various underlings, henchmen and mooks without a care in the world, but when it comes to taking the big boss down, they always develop morals, all of a sudden. Hey, henchmen have families too, you know?

Anyway, next episode looks like it’s going to be a Victor Frankenstein episode. I hope that they bring back Sexy Igor!