SPOILER ALERT! TODAY’S RECAP WILL BE PRESENTED IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE SHUT UP, THAT’S WHY! SPOILER ALERT!
THIS WEEK’S EPISODE WAS THE SEASON FINALE AND I’M GLAD, BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I WOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE.
AND, NOW, HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT I YELLED AT THE TV WHILE THE EPISODE WAS AIRING:
THE BLUE FAIRY MADE A LAST-MINUTE POTION THAT CAN RETURN PEOPLE’S MEMORIES TO THEM? THAT’S GODDAMN CONVENIENT.
GRUMPY IS GOING TO RETURN SLEEPY’S MEMORIES TO HIM AGAINST HIS WILL? MAGIC ASSAULT!
WELL, I WAS WRONG. THE WRITERS DID FIND A WAY TO RETURN SLEEPY’S MEMORY TO HIM BY THE LAST EPISODE. THEY FOUND A VERY HALF-ASSED, HAND-WAVEY WAY TO RETURN SLEEPY’S MEMORY TO HIM. GOOD FOR THEM.
BAELFIRE HAS THREE DADS NOW! RUMPELSTILTSKIN, MR. DARLING AND CAPTAIN HOOK! WHAT A LUCKY BOY!
HOW IS CAPTAIN HOOK EVEN A PIRATE? WE NEVER SEE HIM PILLAGING EVER. DOES THE EYELINER MAKE HIM A PIRATE?
THEY MENTION CURSED MERMAIDS A WHOLE BUNCH AND WE NEVER SEE THEM. I FEEL CHEATED.
THE SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON FOR STORYBROOKE IS UNSTOPPABLE… NOT! IT ONLY NEEDS TWO MAGIC USERS TO STOP IT. EMMA HAS BARELY HAD ANY PRACTICE AT USING MAGIC AND THEY STILL STOPPED IT. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE DIED AND THE DESTRUCTION WAS MINIMAL. WEREN’T THEY ADVERTISING THAT THE SEASON FINALE WAS GOING TO BE DEVASTATING?
SOMEHOW GREG AND TAMARA MANAGE TO BE COMPLETELY SILENT AND INVISIBLE TO KIDNAP HENRY WHEN HE WAS RIGHT BESIDE HIS MOMS AND HIS GRANDPARENTS. THEY ALSO GAIN A LARGE LEAD ON THEM DESPITE ONLY JOG-WALKING AWAY.
GREG AND TAMARA ARE, YET AGAIN, EXTREMELY VAGUE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE WORKING FOR AND WHAT EXACTLY THEIR CAUSE IS. I SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT THE WRITERS THEMSELVES DON’T KNOW AND THEY’RE USING VAGUENESS TO BUY THEMSELVES SOME TIME. THEY KEEP USING WORDS LIKE “HOLY” AND “SACRED”, SO I’M JUST GOING TO PRETEND THAT THEY’RE WORKING FOR THE POPE, UNTIL I’M TOLD OTHERWISE.
EVERYBODY IS FRIENDS NOW! EMMA, REGINA, CAPTAIN HOOK, MARY MARGARET AND DAVID PUT ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES IN ORDER TO FORM AN ELITE TEAM AND GET HENRY BACK. THEY HATED EACHOTHER JUST FIVE MINUTES AGO, BUT WHO CARES? SHUT YOUR BUTT!
AAAAAANNNNDDDDDDD…IT LOOKS LIKE THE BIG BAD FOR NEXT SEASON IS GOING TO BE PETER PAN. THEY BETTER GET A MICHAEL JACKSON LOOKALIKE TO PLAY PETER PAN.
GRAGH! *SMASH* *STOMP* NARG! *SMASH* SNARGH! *STOMP*