Recap: Game of Thrones S07E01 “Dragonstone”

Hey, remember when I used to do terrible recaps of television shows? Those sure were the days.

I’m getting back into writing. I used to really like writing. Too bad some obsessive weirdo made it not fun for me anymore.

But, hey, how better to get back into writing than to write about HBO’s Game of Thrones? Well… Actually, there’s probably many, many better ways to get back into writing. But this is the way I’ve chosen, so nyah.

Well, D&D are almost entirely out of book to adapt, unless they want to finally cover Lady Stoneheart, so we’re pretty much in full-on fanfiction territory, now. Can D&D stand all on their and bring this thing to an exciting conclusion with just their combined powers of creativity? Probably not. But I’ve already sunk 7 years into this show, so I might as well ride it out to the end.

a screencap of a poisoned frey vomiting

So, to start with, we have Arya finally exacting her revenge against Walder Frey and company. I think this moment would have been a lot more poignant if it wasn’t D&D’s goto solution for every dangling plotline to just kill off everyone involved.

What purpose does Rickon serve? Dead! What are we going to do about Stannis and his army? Dead! How is Cersei going to escape the Faith Militant? Dead!

What happened to Benjen Stark? Dead! Well… sorta.

At least they’ve remembered that Beric Dondarrion is a thing.

One of these days, maybe Gendry will dock his boat somewhere.

Remember that whole thing about Robert Baratheon and his many bastards? The North remembers.

Pepperidge Farms remembers.

Hhmmm… What else happened? Well, Samwise Gamgee… Er… I mean, Samwell Tarly has to perform menial tasks for the greybeards at the Citadel in order to move up ranks in the Order to gain access to the secret books of arcane knowledge. This leads to very long montage of Sam cleaning up diarrhea and serving stew. It was very important for the viewer to make a permanent connection between diarrhea and stew. D&D have a vision, you see.

a screencap of a chamber pot full of diarrhea

But, whatever, Sam gets impatient, so he just steals the key to the Hogwarts’ Library’s Restricted Section. There, he discovers a book with a map to a cache of dragonglass on Dragonstone.

You know, the first place I’d look for dragonglass would be Dragonstone, because duh, but nobody in Westeros has any common sense, so they have to be told obvious things.

Jorah the Friendzoned is also at the Citadel. He’s there for treatment for his greyscale (magic rock AIDS).

a screencap of ed sheeran playing a lannister soldier

Later, Arya happens upon some genuine Lannister Soft Boys™. One of them is Ed Shereen for no reason and he’s singing the hit single off of his new album. It’s the stupidest thing ever!

And, man, do they really hammer it home that these are the nicest boys ever. They offer Arya some food, talk about how much they miss their families back home and just generally act too cute for words.

Obviously, they’re all going to die horribly.

a screencap of daenerys targaryen (played by emilia clarke) preparing to climb the steps of dragonstone
So Many Steps

And then, Daenerys arrives at Dragonstone. We have to watch her climb the stairs for, like, half an hour to swelling music. It was epic and such.