Recap: Game of Thrones S07E03 “The Queen’s Justice”

SPOILER ALERT! Jon Snow is a butt!!!

Last week, Daenerys Targaryen lost most of her ships by being terrible at strategy and she continues that trend this week.

daenerys (played by emilia clarke) and jon snow (played by kit harington) meet for the first time

Daenerys and Jon Snow finally meet and Daenerys acts as haughty as she can possibly be. Either Jon Snow bends the knee to her and swears complete loyalty, or he is her enemy. Jon refuses.

Directly after this conversation, Varys informs Daenarys about Euron ambushing their ships and that Yara, Ellaria and the Sand Snakes are either captured or dead. She’ll probably need Jon Snow’s help and not the other way around. Whoops.

She gives Jon permission to mine the dragonglass, because she really, really needs him as an ally.

She should be nice to Jon Snow, anyway. He is her nephew, after all.

melisandre (played by carice can houten) prepare to leave westeros

Melisandre is leaving Westeros for Volantis. I hope that she is gone for a long time and stops trying to bang princes.

euron greyjoy (played by pilou asbæk) leads the sand snakes and yara to the castle

Euron drags Yara and the Sand Snake through the streets of King’s Landing in a scene remeniscent of Cersei’s shame march.

Being given Ellaria, the woman who killed her only daughter, as a gift is enough for Cersei to agree to marry Euron, after the war is over.

euron greyjoy (played by pilou asbæk) asks jaime lannister (played by nikolaj coster-waldau) if cersei like butt stuff
Bum Bum Bum

Euron asks Jaime if Cersei likes a finger up her bum. Euron is the worst.

Go away, Urine. Nobody likes you.

tyene sand (played by rosabell laurenti sellers) is poisoned by cersei

Cersei poisons Tyene Sand with the same poison lipstick that Ellaria used to kill Myrcella. Ellaria will be forced to watch her daughter die and rot.

Cersei’s brain is broken.

sansa stark (played by sophie turner) hugs bran stark (played by isaac hempstead wright)

Brandon Stark finally returns to  Winterfell and is reunited with his sister Sansa, but he’s some sort of creepy weirdo who can see all the timelines at once. His best friend is the creepy face tree.

Puberty hit Bran so hard, he has PTSD now.

jorah mormont (played by iain glen) is completely cured of greyscale
Gross No More

Jorah Mormont has been completely cured of greyscale, so he can return to his life’s mission of beta-orbiting around Daenerys.

This whole greyscale plotline seems like a pointless waste of time.

I mean, Sam’s master was kinda mad about him disobeying orders and almost fired him from school, but he didn’t, so I guess nobody faced any consequences or learned anything.

the unsullied lay seige to casterly rock

The Unsullied attack and capture Casterly Rock, but there was only a bare bones army there, because Casterly Rock actually isn’t that important, why protect it? Whoops.

And while the unsullied are dinking around the castle, Euron comes by and ganks all their ships. The unsullied are going to have to walk home. Whoops.

So where is the Lannister army? They’re laying siege to Highgarden. Whoops.

queen olenna tyrell (played by diana rigg) prepares to die
The Queen

Now, this is simply unacceptable.

Jaime gives Olenna poison to kill herself out of mercy, so that she won’t have to die by beheading or torture.

This is terrible! The quality of the banter is going to plummet, now.

At least she got to call Joffrey a cunt before she died.

So, there you have it, Daenerys got all her allies killed because she forgot that other countries have boats and for some reason she thought the Casterly Rock was important, despite the fact that all the Lannisters were in King’s Landing. Yeesh.

Recap: Game of Thrones S07E02 “Stormborn”

SPOILER ALERT! Why are you reading a recap if you want to avoid spoilers?

What even happened last week? Something about diarrhea and Ed Sheeran or something? Whatever.

On to this week!

There’s a lot of standing around and talking in this episode.

melisandre (playd by carice van houten) speaks to daenerys

Melisandre, who keeps escaping death, shows up to tell Daenerys that she’s “the prince that was promised”, or maybe not. Maybe it’s Jon Snow. R’hllor doesn’t communicate his prophecies very well.

I’m not really sure why anybody would still listen the “Lord of Light” at this point. He mostly just makes a lot of people get burnt alive and… not much else.

Despite the fact the Melisandre is always wrong and stupid, Daenerys sends a message to Jon asking him to come to Dragonstone.

sansa stark (played by sophie turner) and davos seaworth (played by liam cunningham) read a message from tyrion
Reading is Fundamental!

Even though the north obviously needs Daenerys’ dragons and dragonglass to defeat the white walkers, Sansa and Davos tell Jon not to meet with Daenerys.

They needed to give Sansa and Davos something to do, so they had them complain and waste time for the whole episode.

I mean we all know that Jon has to meet up with Daenerys, eventually. Just shut up and let him do it.

maester gyburn's giant, dragon-killing crossbow

Dragon fire can defeat a wight, but what can defeat a dragon? A giant scary crossbow invented by that madman Maester Qyburn, that’s what.

daenerys (played by emilia clarke) meets with her war council
Nice Table!

Daenerys and her war council meet. They decide that the armies of Dorne and Highgarden are going to surround King’s Landing while the Dothraki army attacks Casterly Rock. Since Tywin Lannister died is there even anybody at Casterly Rock? I’d think that most of the Lannister army would be at King’s Landing protecting Cersei, now.

Whatever. They need to separate Daenerys’ army from everybody else for contrived plot-related reasons that will soon become apparent.

grey worm (played by jacob anderson) and missandei (played nathalie emmanuel) get naked and prepare to make love

Well, we have confirmation: Despite being a eunuch, Grey Worm fucks.

jorah mormont (played by iain glen) has his greyscale skin removed by samwell tarly

Yay! Sam discovered a cure for greyscale! Oh no! It involves ripping all of Jorah’s skin off!

I’m not really sure why they gave Jorah greyscale, if they they were just going to cure it right away.

Did they need to get Sam and Jorah together so Sam could be all like, “Hey, I knew your dad!” for some reason?

hot pie (played by ben hawkey) serves arya some food

Hey, kids, it’s Hot Pie! Remember Hot Pie!?

Hot Pie is here to tell Arya that her brother, Jon Snow, is King in the North, now.

So, Arya decides to travel North. She wasted all that time travelling South and hanging out with Ed Sheeran for nothing!

(When do we get to see Ed Sheeran die?)

arya stark (played by maisie williams) is reunited with her direwolf, nymeria

On her journey northward, Arya is briefly reunited with her lost direwolf, Nymeria, but Nymeria decides to run back off into the wilderness.

I guess the show only has so much budget to devote to direwolves and most of it’s going to Ghost this season.

euron greyjoy (played by pilou asbæk) screams as he leap from his boat

Whoops! While everyone was strategizing, they totally forgot that Euron Greyjoy was a thing. You’d figure that when they were making a plan that involved a bunch of sea travel, that they’d take into account the crazy guy with thousands of ships, but nope.

So, Euron Greyjoy goes berserk, murders the Sand Snakes and burns Asha’s entire fleet.

I guess D&D didn’t know what to do about Dorne, so they just killed everyone like they always do.

Good thing Daenerys’ impenetrable plot armour managed to protect her army from any harm.

At least Theon Greyjoy managed to escape by jumping into the water like a dork. But who is going to save him from the water? If only we knew somebody with a boat. (Gendry)

Recap: Game of Thrones S07E01 “Dragonstone”

Hey, remember when I used to do terrible recaps of television shows? Those sure were the days.

I’m getting back into writing. I used to really like writing. Too bad some obsessive weirdo made it not fun for me anymore.

But, hey, how better to get back into writing than to write about HBO’s Game of Thrones? Well… Actually, there’s probably many, many better ways to get back into writing. But this is the way I’ve chosen, so nyah.

Well, D&D are almost entirely out of book to adapt, unless they want to finally cover Lady Stoneheart, so we’re pretty much in full-on fanfiction territory, now. Can D&D stand all on their and bring this thing to an exciting conclusion with just their combined powers of creativity? Probably not. But I’ve already sunk 7 years into this show, so I might as well ride it out to the end.

a screencap of a poisoned frey vomiting

So, to start with, we have Arya finally exacting her revenge against Walder Frey and company. I think this moment would have been a lot more poignant if it wasn’t D&D’s goto solution for every dangling plotline to just kill off everyone involved.

What purpose does Rickon serve? Dead! What are we going to do about Stannis and his army? Dead! How is Cersei going to escape the Faith Militant? Dead!

What happened to Benjen Stark? Dead! Well… sorta.

At least they’ve remembered that Beric Dondarrion is a thing.

One of these days, maybe Gendry will dock his boat somewhere.

Remember that whole thing about Robert Baratheon and his many bastards? The North remembers.

Pepperidge Farms remembers.

Hhmmm… What else happened? Well, Samwise Gamgee… Er… I mean, Samwell Tarly has to perform menial tasks for the greybeards at the Citadel in order to move up ranks in the Order to gain access to the secret books of arcane knowledge. This leads to very long montage of Sam cleaning up diarrhea and serving stew. It was very important for the viewer to make a permanent connection between diarrhea and stew. D&D have a vision, you see.

a screencap of a chamber pot full of diarrhea

But, whatever, Sam gets impatient, so he just steals the key to the Hogwarts’ Library’s Restricted Section. There, he discovers a book with a map to a cache of dragonglass on Dragonstone.

You know, the first place I’d look for dragonglass would be Dragonstone, because duh, but nobody in Westeros has any common sense, so they have to be told obvious things.

Jorah the Friendzoned is also at the Citadel. He’s there for treatment for his greyscale (magic rock AIDS).

a screencap of ed sheeran playing a lannister soldier

Later, Arya happens upon some genuine Lannister Soft Boys™. One of them is Ed Shereen for no reason and he’s singing the hit single off of his new album. It’s the stupidest thing ever!

And, man, do they really hammer it home that these are the nicest boys ever. They offer Arya some food, talk about how much they miss their families back home and just generally act too cute for words.

Obviously, they’re all going to die horribly.

a screencap of daenerys targaryen (played by emilia clarke) preparing to climb the steps of dragonstone
So Many Steps

And then, Daenerys arrives at Dragonstone. We have to watch her climb the stairs for, like, half an hour to swelling music. It was epic and such.