SPOILER ALERT! Why are you reading a recap if you want to avoid spoilers?
What even happened last week? Something about diarrhea and Ed Sheeran or something? Whatever.
On to this week!
There’s a lot of standing around and talking in this episode.
Melisandre, who keeps escaping death, shows up to tell Daenerys that she’s “the prince that was promised”, or maybe not. Maybe it’s Jon Snow. R’hllor doesn’t communicate his prophecies very well.
I’m not really sure why anybody would still listen the “Lord of Light” at this point. He mostly just makes a lot of people get burnt alive and… not much else.
Despite the fact the Melisandre is always wrong and stupid, Daenerys sends a message to Jon asking him to come to Dragonstone.
Even though the north obviously needs Daenerys’ dragons and dragonglass to defeat the white walkers, Sansa and Davos tell Jon not to meet with Daenerys.
They needed to give Sansa and Davos something to do, so they had them complain and waste time for the whole episode.
I mean we all know that Jon has to meet up with Daenerys, eventually. Just shut up and let him do it.
Dragon fire can defeat a wight, but what can defeat a dragon? A giant scary crossbow invented by that madman Maester Qyburn, that’s what.
Daenerys and her war council meet. They decide that the armies of Dorne and Highgarden are going to surround King’s Landing while the Dothraki army attacks Casterly Rock. Since Tywin Lannister died is there even anybody at Casterly Rock? I’d think that most of the Lannister army would be at King’s Landing protecting Cersei, now.
Whatever. They need to separate Daenerys’ army from everybody else for contrived plot-related reasons that will soon become apparent.
Well, we have confirmation: Despite being a eunuch, Grey Worm fucks.
Yay! Sam discovered a cure for greyscale! Oh no! It involves ripping all of Jorah’s skin off!
I’m not really sure why they gave Jorah greyscale, if they they were just going to cure it right away.
Did they need to get Sam and Jorah together so Sam could be all like, “Hey, I knew your dad!” for some reason?
Hey, kids, it’s Hot Pie! Remember Hot Pie!?
Hot Pie is here to tell Arya that her brother, Jon Snow, is King in the North, now.
So, Arya decides to travel North. She wasted all that time travelling South and hanging out with Ed Sheeran for nothing!
(When do we get to see Ed Sheeran die?)
On her journey northward, Arya is briefly reunited with her lost direwolf, Nymeria, but Nymeria decides to run back off into the wilderness.
I guess the show only has so much budget to devote to direwolves and most of it’s going to Ghost this season.
Whoops! While everyone was strategizing, they totally forgot that Euron Greyjoy was a thing. You’d figure that when they were making a plan that involved a bunch of sea travel, that they’d take into account the crazy guy with thousands of ships, but nope.
So, Euron Greyjoy goes berserk, murders the Sand Snakes and burns Asha’s entire fleet.
I guess D&D didn’t know what to do about Dorne, so they just killed everyone like they always do.
Good thing Daenerys’ impenetrable plot armour managed to protect her army from any harm.
At least Theon Greyjoy managed to escape by jumping into the water like a dork. But who is going to save him from the water? If only we knew somebody with a boat. (Gendry)